We will, we will stalk you
by Ellen Barry
Perhaps the most spellbinding feature of Joal Ryan's new e-zine Former
Child Star-Palooza is its regular dispatches from across the country
reporting sightings of former child stars. They may not be an accurate census
of prime-time alumni, but they do drive this point home: one little sitcom and
you're marked for life. A mixture of slack-jawed respect and thumb-screw
cruelty, the sightings below exemplify our strange fixation with marginal
Apparently, the only Brady man who never permed
"It's Amy in New York, with the ROBBIE (Cousin Oliver on The Brady
Bunch) RIST sighting. My source wishes to remain anonymous, but here is his
account of what happened:
"I was enjoying the on-stage band [at an alternative music club in NYC] when I
glanced to my right to see a familiar blond John Denver-style
bouffant. . . . I gasped to realize it was Cousin Oliver!
. . . The natural reaction is `Hey, it's Cousin Oliver!,' not `Isn't
that the great thespian?' Anyway, it was definitely him and he seemed to be
trying to pick up a girl at the bar who wanted nothing to do with him. I
believe he has a band of his own in the alternative vein but hanging onto the
haircut may not be the best musical image one could come up with."
Snap judgments can be fun!
"About two years ago, I walked past one-time cute and cuddly, now
rat-bastard ex-star, that kid [ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL] from `Sixteen Candles.'
And boy was he chubby! I think he lives near me. . . . He was with his mom and
neither looked very friendly."
Why children should never stick their tongues on poles, frozen or
"I don't know if you'd call this a `brush' with a child star but
. . . remember that kid in The Toy with Richard Pryor? He was
also in A Christmas Story, he was the kid [FLICK] that got his tongue
stuck to the pole. Anyway, he's a porn star now, and ugly-ass one that -- about
5'6", chubby, same face, freckles, pouffy hair. He was on Jerry Springer
(A spokeswoman for The Jerry Springer Show confirms that SCOTT [A
Christmas Story] SCHWARTZ appeared on a show about actors in the porn
industry in February. Schwartz told Jerry he made his first "adult" movie about
five months ago. -- The Editors.)
Reports from TV-land retirement village
"My Little Margie star [GALE STORM] seen in Ojai
launderia, I think. Red hair, right? . . . And then, also, Joan [JOAN
DAVIS], from I Married Joan. It was the big swirly skirt that gave her
Of course, there was that incident with the nunchuks
"The only child star I have ever met was RHADAMES PERA, who played
Young Cain in the TV-movie pilot of Kung Fu. My childhood chum was
Korean, and so he was one of the rubber bald-wigged extras in the castle
scene. . . . I got to wander around unsupervised on the Warners
lot. . . . I played cards with Pera [and] as I recall he was a
sportsman and did not cheat or cry when he lost the hand."
Has anybody out there not seen Gary Coleman?!?!
"Back when I was using a Commodore 64 I went to buy a 1571 disc
drive advertised in the Recycler. It was GARY [Diff'rent Strokes]
COLEMAN. He was upgrading to the Amiga."
"When I worked at The Good Guys two years ago, I heard that GARY
COLEMAN would go to the 24-hour Good Guys at the Beverly Connection [in Los
Angeles] in the middle of the night quite often and buy Nintendo games.
Apparently one day, he bought a big-screen TV and the guys (presumably the good
ones) who took it to his house said it was completely vacant except for one
room with a giant Nintendo set-up."
"A couple of years ago, I was at this coffeeshop -- Foxy's. GARY
COLEMAN and his bodyguard, I think, walked in and sat front-and-center at the
counter. When it came time to order, Gary turned on his booming voice. `How's
the pork sausage links?' he bellowed. The waitress's answer apparantly wasn't
to his liking, because he then announced that `I'D LIKE EIGHT STRIPS OF BACON,
Take a guess
To contribute, send sightings to this e-mail address: firstname.lastname@example.org.
"A friend of mine, a 6 foot tall female photographer was at a party
in the late '80s, snapping pix of the event when she saw [ACTOR WHOSE NAME
WE'VE EXCISED FROM THE ITEM IN FEAR OF BEING SUED]. She swears [ACTOR
. . . ] was standing next to her, looking UP HER DRESS!!!"