The Boston Phoenix January 4 - 11, 2001

[Features]

The year ahead

Bush boozes, Whitey kills, Everett fulminates, and a German funnyman takes America by storm. Don't say we didn't warn you.

by Chris Wright

If there's one thing this last year taught us, it's that predicting the future is a tricky business.

At the beginning of Y2K, pundits and prognosticators were auguring a technological glitchkreig, terrorist attacks, maybe even the end of the world. Nope. Later, the savants at Sports Illustrated named the Red Sox world-champions-in-waiting. Another emphatic nuh-uh. And where are all those nascent dot-com millionaires we heard so much about? Sitting in Starbucks, sipping chai, poring over the Help Wanted section, that's where. And let's not even go into the election. Let's not go there.

If calling the future were an easy task, we'd have run Ralph Nader out of town on a rail a long time ago. Try to talk about tomorrow in terms of today, and it will invariably come back as yesterday and bite you in the ass. Ask Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw, and Peter Jennings. Ask Tim Russert. If the all-encompassing minds of America's anchormen can be foiled by the capriciousness of time, what hope for us mere mortals?

Still, it can be done. To predict the future, one need only view past, present, and future as one long shoelace, tying up the footwear of history, crisscrossing the tongue of daily existence, and ending in a knot somewhere far, far away in an ineffably distant hereafter -- possibly when the Red Sox win the World Series. If you can undo this shoelace, spread it out before you, and see it in its entirety -- its interconnectedness, its continuity -- then the power of prophecy will be yours.

This is precisely what we tried to do when casting our predictions for Y2K+1. With any luck, our shoes won't fall off.

January

4 Braintree resident Arthur Stimp lodges a formal complaint with the City of Boston over what he calls "vulgar" First Night activities. Stimp later retracts his complaint after realizing that he had inadvertently wandered into the Ramrod nightclub, which was hosting a "Fist Night" celebration.

8 Surgeons go on a rampage in Paris following efforts to ban cigarettes in French operating rooms. The streets of the French capital ring with cries of "Liberté, Fraternité, Emphysemé."

11 Radio personality David Brudnoy stuns his audience by responding to a guest's statement with "Really? I never knew that."

16 Smith & Wesson rankles the gun lobby once again as it introduces its latest pistol, which when fired produces a little flag with the word "BANG!" written on it.

20 The inauguration of George W. Bush is thrown into turmoil as the teetering president-elect throws up on Chief Justice Rehnquist's shoes.

22 Seattle introduces the toughest anti-smoking laws in the country, making it a crime to "buy, sell, or discuss" cigarettes in the city.

24 George W. Bush gives a press conference, in which he vehemently denies having a drinking problem. The president's otherwise eloquent speech is undermined after he dry-humps the leg of a Washington Post reporter.

25 Al Gore's mental health is called into question after he changes his first name to "President."

28 Raiders win Super Bowl.

29 Vikings win Super Bowl.

30 Super Bowl "too close to call."

February

2 Calls to ban Palm Pilots intensify after a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that the hand-held organizers can make their owners "smug."

7 Globe columnist David Nyhan unveils his new Sunday column, "Thoughts While Thinking of Shaving."

12 Ralph Nader stuns supporters by announcing that he has accepted a post in the Bush administration. Later, the former consumer advocate rails against those who question whether "Chief Gore Screwer" is a legitimate office.

13 Red Hot Chili Peppers lead singer Anthony Kiedis causes a stir when he appears onstage wearing only a sock -- on his foot.

14 A terrible cold snap grips the Northeast, killing 60. George W. Bush holds an emergency press conference, during which he announces plans to "stay indoors" until the weather improves. Pushed for a more tangible solution, the president vows to "step up" global warming.

16 Fleet Bank launches its "Up Yours" advertising campaign, announcing plans to charge its customers a fee for even thinking about using an ATM.

23 NBC's latest reality-based TV show, In the Can, hits a snag as FCC censors order it taken off the air. NBC executives defend the show's use of a "Crapper-Cam," calling the dispute "a First Amendment issue."

March

3 Chad replaces Adolf as Florida's least favorite boy's name.

4 Celtics coach Rick Pitino follows up his bestseller, Success Is a Choice, with Failure Isn't. Rights for his next book, How To Manage a Ball-Hogging, No-Defense-Playing, No-Talent-Having Team, sell for two million dollars.

16 As Paul Cellucci goes to Washington to take up his position as Bush's movie czar, Acting Governor Jane Swift gives a rousing speech on Beacon Hill, in which she asks citizens to take up public service. To sustained applause, Swift concludes her speech with "Act now," adding: "I need a baby sitter."

19 Controversy haunts the Academy Awards as Tom Hanks, accepting his Best Actor Oscar for Cast Away, reveals that the role was actually played by Survivor winner Richard Hatch.

21 The Bush administration suffers a foreign-policy setback as the president, in England to promote friendly relations, licks the queen's ear, asks Prince Philip to pull his finger, and drop-kicks one of the royal corgis. Aides put the faux pas down to "an ill-advised sip of sherry."

24 Fleet Bank merges with the Catholic Church. Catholicism will now be known as "Fleet Roman Catholicism." Fleet CEO and Acting Pope Terrence "Pius" Murray announces new "confessional surcharge."

27 "Who's in charge here?" asks a New York Times editorial after Dick Cheney, responding to Bush's recent debacle in the UK, calls the president "a very, very naughty boy."

30 Ex-pope John Paul II startles the world's Catholics by announcing he'll be leaving the church to fulfill his "life's ambition" of becoming a porn star. His first film, Blessing the Bishop, meets with lukewarm reviews.

April

1 In a speech to board members of Texaco, George W. Bush pledges to end America's reliance on oil within five years. "Renewable energy," says Bush, "is excellent." Unfortunately, the president's closing "April Fools!" remark is drowned out by a chorus of boos.

2 The Red Sox suffer an early blow as Manny Ramirez is hospitalized with food poisoning after eating a "questionable" carpaccio sandwich.

8 In an effort to quell the controversy surrounding Bush's "renewable energy" speech, Dick "Papa" Cheney goes on the Today show, where he tells Katie Couric that the president was "shitfaced" when he made the remarks.

11 Sisqo releases his latest single, "The Wedgie Song." The sexy singer's new album, Chafed Cheeks, debuts at number one.

17 A contented middle-aged white male accidentally dials WEEI sports radio, promises to call back when he's feeling angry.

20 Narrowly defeated in their efforts to ban greyhound racing last year, local activists launch an anti-animal-crackers campaign. "If biting the head off of a hippo isn't cruelty," says PETA spokeswoman Shirley LaMoan, "I don't know what is."

24 George W. Bush's alleged drinking problem hits the headlines once more as the president moons a press contingent from the window of Air Force One.

26 Irate after mistiming a play, Red Sox outfielder Carl Everett unbuckles his pants and urinates on the Green Monster in the top of the third inning. General manager Dan Duquette tells the press that Everett "is a valuable part of this organization."

May

3 An archeological dig in Charlestown unearths the bones of three Pilgrims, seven Redcoats, and a stegosaurus. The remains are quickly identified as victims of James "Whitey" Bulger.

7 PR maven George Regan loses his hat on the subway. Next day, the front page of the Boston Herald reads: GEORGE NEEDS HAT BACK.

11 Frustrated by a three-strikeout day, Carl Everett rips a drinking fountain off the wall and uses it to smash the locker of teammate Darren Lewis. General manager Dan Duquette pooh-poohs Everett's tantrum, saying the mercurial outfielder "is the very cornerstone of the Red Sox franchise."

15 America's political landscape is thrown into uncertainty as Dick "Papa" Cheney is overheard saying to Bush, "You'll be the death of me."

17 German comedian Hans Fatsflich takes America by storm. His one-man show Ist Das Eine Schnitzel? packs Madison Square Garden for three nights running. "Du bist kranky-kranky!" replaces "Whasssuuup!" as the idiotic catch phrase du jour.

19 The remains of James "Whitey" Bulger's victims continue to be exhumed in locations as far away as Nuweiba el Muzeina, Egypt, and Pontypridd, Wales.

20 More questions arise about the sanity of Al "President" Gore after the bearded, filthy former vice-president is discovered living in a White House broom closet. "This," says House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt, "could really hurt him in 2004."

28 A woman who found a fried chicken head in her McDonald's meal last year files a lawsuit against the fast-food giant. NOTHING TO CROW ABOUT, blares a headline in the New York Post; BEAK MAC TO GO, announces the Daily News; FOWL! exclaims the Enquirer; WOMAN SUES AFTER FINDING CHICKEN HEAD IN MEAL, quips the New York Times.

June

3 Bill Clinton ends speculation over his future employment as he accepts a position as spokesman for McDonald's. He runs into immediate trouble when, commenting on the "McNeckets" scandal, he is quoted as saying, "Nothin' wrong with puttin' a pecker in yer mouth every now and then."

4 The city of Boston officially changes its name to FleetBoston. Fleet CEO and Acting Mayor Terrence Murray announces plans to implement a "sidewalk surcharge."

6 The Boston Globe's Paul Szep publishes a cartoon that is nearly intelligible. Following reports of somebody actually laughing while looking at the cartoon, Szep releases a statement calling the event "the highlight of my career."

7 More foreign-policy trouble for the Bush administration as media analysts scoff at the president's plans to settle the Middle East dispute with "a game of Jenga."

9 Commenting on the so-called Peace Games, Palestinian leader Yasir Arafat calls Jenga a "Zionist plot," demands that the game be changed to Yahtzee.

10 A furious Israeli prime minister Ehud Barak calls Yahtzee "a game for dogs," vows to boycott talks until Sorry is put on the table.

12 On Manny Ramirez's first day out of the hospital, Jane Swift, citing an obscure eminent-domain law, orders the Red Sox outfielder to reshingle her house.

19 The state considers cutting the cost of the Big Dig by combining the project with the search for victims of James "Whitey" Bulger.

25 Bill Clinton appears in TV spots for Ajax bleach. The ad is yanked, however, after viewers object to the line "I'm really coming into my own," uttered by the former president as he scrubs a replica of a White House sink.

27 Miffed at a caught fly ball, Carl Everett uses a pair of shin guards to bludgeon a seven-year-old leukemia patient, part of a Jimmy Fund tour visiting the Sox clubhouse. "That little bald-headed creep looked at me funny," he tells horrified onlookers. Sox GM Dan Duquette announces afterward that the outfielder "is a glittering Fabergé egg, encrusted with the most exquisite rubies and emeralds, and other gems of such singular rarity they have no names but such as we choose to give each one."

July

1 West Nile virus decimates the population of LA. As fatalities reach six figures, the newly reformed Bangles hit number one with their single "Die like an Egyptian."

3 Rage Against the Machine, in at number 2 with their single "I Hate My F***ing Blender," demand a recount.

4 Anglo-American relations suffer another blow as British prime minister Tony Blair, in Washington to attend Independence Day celebrations, is sexually assaulted by a "tipsy" George W. Bush.

In related news, Al "President" Gore has to be forcibly restrained after scaling the Washington Monument and singing "I Left My Heart in Tallahassee" at the top of his lungs.

9 With Manny Ramirez hospitalized again, this time from bad oyster bisque, every starting player in baseball's All-Star Game, in both the National and American Leagues, is a former Red Sox player.

12 Former Florida secretary of state Katherine Harris joins the Bangles, goes into studio to record "a tribute" to Aretha Franklin. "R- E- C- O- U- N- T" becomes an immediate hit with bald, bitter, middle-aged men.

15 A nationwide search gets under way as the Reverend Jesse Jackson goes missing. "This is a terrible day for all Americans," says President Bush. Asked by reporters why he was smirking during this announcement, Bush replies, "I was thinking about Chief Justice Rehnquist."

22 Angelenos breathe a sigh of relief as the Centers for Disease Control rule out West Nile virus as the cause of a spate of recent deaths in the city. "We believe this tragedy was caused by overexposure to body piercing, chai, and Jennifer Love Hewitt," says the CDC's Terry Peck. The phenomenon is immediately dubbed "The Perfect Fad."

27 A $1 million reward is offered to anyone who can reveal the whereabouts of Jesse Jackson. Meanwhile, fears rise that Jackson has fallen victim to James "Whitey" Bulger.

August

3 In a Talk magazine interview, Ally McBeal star Calista Flockhart reveals the secret of her trim figure: "Healthy food, exercise, and nightly crack-smoking sessions with [co-star] Robert Downey Jr."

6 The nation breathes a sigh of relief as Jesse Jackson is discovered waving a banner outside a Tallahassee courthouse.

13 Offended by manager Jimy Williams's decision to give Darren Lewis a start in center field, Carl Everett attacks Williams and Lewis with a nail gun, leaving the manager with 40 stitches and Lewis with a fresh set of stigmata. Dan Duquette, standing in the blood-spattered clubhouse, notes that Everett "is a historical figure on par with Saladin the Magnificent."

15 Having voted for a tax rollback last year, Massachusetts voters rally behind the newly formed "Free Stuff" party. "Why should hard-working Americans have to pay for stuff?" argues party spokeswoman Ambrose Twill from her jail cell, where she awaits trial on a shoplifting charge.

15 Bill Clinton defends his decision to pose nude in Playgirl magazine. Political analysts call the former president's "Livin' Large" spread "disturbing."

20 Style maven and Puff Daddy admirer Martha Stewart continues her search for street credibility, publishing a Living spread called "Ho's D'oeuvres" and appearing on her TV show wearing a do-rag.

September

2 Following an anonymous tip, the hosts of an Attleboro dinner party are arrested for touching a wooden spoon to a rump roast.

7 The stock market gets jittery following reports that Alan Greenspan has jumped off a Washington, DC, bridge. In a suicide note found at the scene, the former Federal Reserve chairman admits to having spent "quite a lot of the country's money" on "personal stuff, mostly women's underwear."

9 James Baker, angered by a Harper's article criticizing George W. Bush for "hiding behind his father's cronies," threatens to sue the magazine.

11 In an attempt to halt the stock market's precipitous slide, Bush's new Federal Reserve chairman, Dan Quayle, calls on Americans to overlook the fact that $96 trillion has disappeared from the American economy; offers free panties to anyone who invests more than $25 in NASDAQ.

16 Newbury Street business leaders continue to push for "homely laws," which will prohibit overweight, poorly coifed, or bad-skinned people from walking down the street between the hours of noon and 10 p.m. "All ugly people should be diverted to Boylston Street," one business leader declares.

19 Firestone launches its line of No Slip condoms. Almost immediately, 105,000 pregnant women file a lawsuit claiming to have had an accident with the product.

22 Following a report revealing that 25 percent of Americans have a DVD, George W. Bush pledges a massive health drive to end the "epimedic."

26 With Manny Ramirez finally out of the hospital and set to join the Red Sox, who are only one game out of the final playoff spot with four games to go, the outfielder is sidelined for the rest of the season in a freak accident involving Carl Everett and a machete. Sox GM Dan Duquette defends Everett, saying he is "the sun, and the moon, and the planets, and even other suns and moons and planets; he is as vast and mighty as the universe itself."

October

2 Despite criticism from Catholics, American moviegoers line up to see Jim Carrey's latest movie, I Can See Your House from Up Here, which depicts Jesus as a wisecracking Jewish comedian. "The Lord Savior's last words were not `What a way to spend an Easter,'" says Ernest Prigge of Mangonut, Florida.

17 A "Stock Market Aid" benefit erupts into chaos after members of Everclear, Smash Mouth, Everlast, and the Goo Goo Dolls get into a fistfight. Police respond to the violence swiftly and firmly, arresting Dr. Dre, Ol' Dirty Bastard, and the members of Boyz II Men.

19 Former Big Dig chief James Kerasiotes's new career as a dentist takes a nosedive after a patient tells the Herald that a root canal performed by Kerasiotes took three months to complete and cost $110,000. In a press conference, Kerasiotes responds to the allegations with "I shoulda killed the bad-toothed bastard."

22 A White House Thanksgiving celebration turns sour as George W. Bush breaks with tradition and refuses to pardon the turkey.

25 Evidence emerges that it was Carl Everett, not O.J., who killed Ronald Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson. Sox GM Dan Duquette, having also fallen victim to the bad-tempered but indispensable outfielder, is unavailable for comment.

28 Following the demise of Heroin Chic, Heron Chic grips America. Thrill-seekers flock to the Everglades to capture the graceful, endangered birds. Speculation abounds after Chelsea Clinton is seen at a rave in Palm Beach with beak marks on her forearm.

30 Washington's newfound bipartisan spirit hits a snag as Democrats accuse their Republican counterparts of "fiddling" House snack machines. "One person, one Twix," says Minority Whip David Bonior.

November

4 Tragedy strikes as a New York City resident spontaneously combusts while using an instant messenger, a cell phone, and an MP3 player at the same time. Scientists dub the catastrophe "The Perfect Glitch."

6 Hillary Clinton, who last year sold the rights to her White House memoirs for $8 million, sells the rights to a movie adaptation of the book for $11 million, and the rights to the TV adaptation of the movie adaptation of the book for $54 million. When challenged about possible ethics violations, the former first lady says, "Speak to my publicist."

10 A disgruntled Duck Tours employee leads police on a dramatic high-speed chase through downtown Boston. The incident ends in tragedy as the bus plunges into the frigid waters of the Charles. "It was horrible," says witness Nelly Smaggit. "If I live to be a hundred, I'll never forget that tortured quacking."

20 MIT geneticist Larry Hahfahfah claims to have discovered the gene that causes some people to exhale loudly after every sip of coffee. "This could save countless marriages," Hahfahfah says at a press conference.

25 The Bush administration reacts with anger at the release of a new bio-pic about George W.'s rise to power: Ernest Goes to the White House.

19 Continuing its clean-up of Kenmore Square, Boston University shuts down local Gap franchise, complaining that the store attracted the "wrong element," including "people who liked pleats" and "thousands of students without trust funds."

26 In an effort to climb aboard the Geek Rock bandwagon, Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst gets fitted with a solid-gold retainer and has his eyes surgically crossed. Geeky rapper Eminem calls the move a "bleep bleepety bleep-bleep-bleep," releases his single "OG (Original Geek)."

30 An unhip person accidentally moves into Jamaica Plain.

December

3 Local figures Jane Swift, Rick Pitino, and James Kerasiotes convene in Washington to compete for the coveted "Nice Work, Fuckwit" award. The three are eventually beaten out by Monday Night Football commentator Dennis Miller.

6 In an incident that calls to mind last year's beating death of a hockey dad, a Charlton grandparent is arrested for bludgeoning a fellow octogenarian with a prize-winning tomato.

10 Boston magazine's latest issue, with the cover story "The Top 50 Towns To Find Boston's 200 Most Eligible Pastry Chefs Who Have Invested in the State's 75 Hottest Internet Companies," hits the newsstands.

18 Boston magazine's latest issue is pulled from the newsstands after 23 readers puke to death.

21 Retailers wince as 500,000 Firestone rubber-soled sneakers are recalled. Celtics coach Rick Pitino says his team has performed "just fine" while wearing the shoes.

25 A freak Christmas snowstorm buries much of Florida under a half-foot of snow. Al "President" Gore holds a press conference to announce that the Sunshine State's "non-sunshine-ness" renders the election results void. The Supreme Court agrees, dubs Gore the 43rd president of the United States. George W. Bush reportedly "relieved."

28 The remains of James "Whitey" Bulger are discovered buried under seven feet of lime just outside Portland, Oregon. Police call it a suicide.

31 Fleet Bank announces that New Year's Eve will now be called New Year's Fleet. Deterred by the bank's "fun surcharge," most people see out 2001 in front of the TV. Hans Fatsflich's A Kranky-Kranky Christmas rates the highest viewership in network history.