Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

I have nothing against e-mail, nor do I have a problem with computers, word processors, typewriters, or modern technology in general. In fact, I use a computer myself. I'm no Unabomber.

I say this up front because I must tell you that Dr. Lovemonkey feels that there are certain advantages to receiving handwritten mail. Take the letter below, for instance.

It came via the US Postal Service in a business-sized envelope. Dr. Lovemonkey's address had been written on the envelope -- block letters in a childish scrawl -- and I was not surprised to find that the missive lacked a return address. Inside was one sheet of paper on which the letter had been written in the same scrawl. The writing instrument appeared to be Bic.

Over the years, Dr. Lovemonkey has received mail of a similar physical appearance, and these letters usually fall into one of three categories: death threat, angry tirade (replete with the always curious misspellings of maledictory expletives), or incoherent babbling.

As for the letter below, I initially thought it should have been written in crayon, which would've signaled an affectation. Upon further reflection, though, I realized that the writer of this letter is one not given to affectations. Nor irony.

No, I believe that the writer may very well be totally on the up and up, exactly the person he appears to be. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Dear Doctor Lovemonkey,

I've got this fetish for pleasingly plump women with thick thighs. I don't know why I'm like this. It's just that I get highly aroused every time a woman with big legs walks buy (sic) especially if they wear anything that's short and tight. I would like to know your opinion.

Man with Fleshy Thigh Fetish

Dear Man with Fleshy Thigh Fetish,

I do detect a certain "cry from the wilderness" quality about this curious communication. I don't know whether the writer is proud of this arousal, ashamed of this arousal, or just needs to tell me (and you, unfortunate readers) about this arousal.

Is the writer concerned because that which he finds erotically stimulating is not comfortably "in the mainstream?" Neither is the grammar school-remedial-reading-class manner in which he sent his letter. If I were him, I'd be a lot more concerned about the manner of my correspondence than why I find myself pitching a tent over a woman's heft.

If I try very hard, I can suspend, for a time at least, my suspicions that the writer is what we used to call in less politically-correct times, a moron. Then Dr. Lovemonkey can confess that, for some unknown reason, I find overbites to be erotically attractive.

But so what? Erotic attraction is very nice and, it seems to me, an important and necessary element in any intimate relationship. But there are other matters (shared trust, shared values) that seem far more important than whether one possesses (or lacks) an overbite or thick thighs.

Then again, our writer may not be the type of person who is interested in cultivating intimacy or exploring another person's uniqueness in great depth. He may merely want to dunk his John Thomas in a succession of Roseanne clones. From now on, positive proof of IQ will be requested with all submissions.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently broke up with a woman who, as it turned out, was primarily interested in hooking up with someone with money. I'm reasonably attractive, middle-class, well-educated, but I find that this isn't enough for the women I meet. Less than a month after we broke up, my ex had practically moved in with this guy who was a millionaire. This has happened to me before. Are all women just out for money?

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

I'd never thought of putting it that way before, but you're absolutely right: all women are interested only in money. Coincidentally, there's that other great truth: all men are interested only in the way a woman looks (i.e., the arrangement of her bodily parts).

Seriously, Andrew, there are women who apparently have decided that their romantic life is a function of their need to acquire wealth, status, comfort, and all the other benefits that go with piles of money, just as there are men whose interests are narrowly carnal -- they have little interest in sharing anything but their one-eyed trouser snake. There are also men who lust for money and women who just plain lust.

Then again, there are many, many people (the vast majority, I believe) who are not overly acquisitive or irresponsibly promiscuous, people who have values and beliefs closer to your own.

You could always go to lectures or poetry readings, or you could visit a church or a temple or a mosque, or join a community organization, etc. These are places where you might find people who will generally have more on their mind than hooking up with a millionaire.

Mainly it should be something you are interested in. You meet people you might get along with in places where you do things you like to do.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---