Dr. Lovemonkey

by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a 36-year-old woman and my breasts have begun to comply with the laws of gravity. I'd really like to have something done surgically, not necessarily implants, but something to "lift my spirits," so to speak. The problem is that every time I bring this up with my husband, he pooh-poohs the idea and tells me that I look just fine. I'd really like to do something about this. How do I convince my husband?

Joan

Dear Joan,

You need to explain to him that you're not doing it for him but for yourself. If your breasts are causing you some discomfort, that should be an easy sell, but if this is merely an "appearance thing," I've got to plead insensitivity to your plight as well.

Dr. Lovemonkey is not a big fan of cosmetic surgery unless some sort of terrible deformity is involved. I would think very carefully before agreeing to have my body cut into, particularly if it's merely because I don't like the way I look.

Penis enlargement, for instance, is not my idea of a great advancement in medical science, nor has it resulted in any great improvement in my love life. When Dr. Lovemonkey had his penis enlarged to its present 37 inches, all I got were offers from the circus. I don't mean to knock the circus life (lots of free peanuts, many interesting tattoos, etc.), but the clowns and midgets can never live up to those romantic images you have of them.

I realize that I'm way out of step with "modern thinking" on this issue, but I implore you to embrace your body and your wrinkles as you grow older. We've been whipped enough by the worship of youthfulness and the perfect look. Wanting to be healthy and attractive is one thing, but far too many people have an overly idealized sense of what that is.

I find it hard to believe the appearance of your breasts is what's causing you great sorrow. Next you'll want an eye tuck, a nose job, and complete leg liposuction because your gams don't measure up to Tina Turner's. If it's really important to you, then go ahead, but Dr. Lovemonkey is convinced that cosmetic surgery is not a reliable road to self-esteem.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I own a house and my boyfriend of a few years is about to move in with me. Although he hasn't said anything about it, I have a number of photographs around the place of my ex, who died about five years ago. Should I leave these out and visible or should I pack them up? I can see where they may be a source of constant irritation to him. I'd like some advice.

Arthur

Dear Arthur,

This is somewhat of a no-brainer. Your ex has passed away. You're getting on with your life. We all have pasts, and it seems appropriate that we honor those who mattered to us, especially if they're deceased.

If your ex was an important part of your life then, it is perfectly appropriate to have remembrances of him around. Of course, if what we're talking about here is photographs all over the place, resembling a shrine, that could be a little much for your new lover to take.

I assume that you talk to your new boyfriend about your life. People must accept other people's pasts. As long as you're living in the present and not dwelling obsessively on your former life, there is nothing wrong here.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm an agnostic and my boyfriend is a regular churchgoer. At times, we have big quarrels over religious issues. I love him very much, but I think that his religious beliefs are a little naive. Is there anything I can do about this?

A non-believer

Dear non-believer,

If you really love this guy, then you should understand that his spiritual beliefs are important to him. This, in Dr. Lovemonkey's estimation, is serious business. It's important that you come to some accommodation in which you not only accept his beliefs but respect them, as he should respect your agnosticism.

Being an agnostic indicates that you believe that if there is a God, that God is either unknown to you or unknowable. An atheist, on the other hand, rejects the existence of a deity. If you are indeed agnostic and not an atheist, you should be able to accept the fact that your boyfriend does have faith in a God. This is not easy, but it's not impossible either.

Good relationships demand understanding and trust. If you can't understand why your guy has belief or if you don't trust his intelligence, chances are that this will continue to be a big issue between you and that the future will be bleak.

Dr. Lovemonkey believes that if your relationship has any importance whatsoever, there must be some spiritual synchronicity between you. It really is an important thing, and you should try and discuss this in a respectful and rational manner. If you can truly respect each other's differences on this, then you should be able to work things out. If you can't, I would suggest that this relationship ain't gonna build.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Do you think that the United States should officially apologize for slavery?

Joe

Dear Joe,

How did this letter get in here? I won't consider apologizing for slavery until you apologize for this letter. After that, I think that bell-bottoms should be next on the apology list.

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