by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I had been going together for a few years, and we recently broke up. It's partly my fault, because I started seeing someone else after we'd had a number of fights. Still, I think that it's only fair to point out that we were both to blame for the arguments.

Anyway, during the time that we were together, I gave her a lot of expensive gifts. One was a really nice microwave oven. I don't want any of the jewelry or anything else back, but I could really use that microwave. How can I convince her that it would be only fair if she let me have it?

Rob

Dear Rob,

Don't worry about figuring out a way to convince her to let you have it, because I'm going to let you have it. A gift is a gift. You don't ask for one back, and, unless your relationship ended amicably, you don't negotiate on divvying things up.

I mean, we're talking about a microwave oven here, not a villa in the south of France or a brand-new BMW. Even then, if it was a gift, it was a gift. Basically, when things end, you walk away and put your own life back together.

Arguing about possessions after a breakup is one of the dumbest things that people do. It's not unusual for Dr. Lovemonkey to run into someone who, five years after the fact, is still badmouthing a former boy/girlfriend for taking their favorite Kenny G. CD.

Of course, the fact that someone would actually have a "favorite Kenny G. CD" means they probably deserve to suffer, but I'm sure that you get the point, which is that Kenny G. sucks . . . no, that's only the "sub-point."

Was your intimate relationship with your ex worth more to you than a microwave oven? I certainly hope so. If you must indulge in "who's to blame" thoughts, focus on what you did wrong and see if you can't learn from past mistakes. Guilt can be worthwhile if you learn from it, but it is only excess baggage if you don't.

Focusing on possessions and "what should rightfully be mine" only creates more anger and resentment, and you don't really need to cultivate those feelings anymore. The relationship is over. Go check out the sales on microwaves at any number of stores.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What's the best way to meet a guy? I know that this is a pretty general question, but I'm frustrated, and I'm just not too good at it.

Marsha

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha,

Hang around guy places: gas stations, armed forces recruitment centers, rodeos, arm wrestling competitions, etc. Wear as little clothing as possible. The best scanty outfit is probably the "naughty French maid" number, which indicates that you are not only a "loose woman" but willing to serve a man by cleaning up after him. Do these things and you'll meet a guy. Even better, your life will be a living hell.

Dr. Lovemonkey's does have some standard advice for happiness, however. It has to do with doing the things you enjoy and sharing them with other people. It may not be a sure-fire way to meet a potential romantic interest, but the people you do meet will usually be those with whom you have something in common, and the friendships that might evolve will more than likely flow naturally.

One of the reasons why relationships originating in the traditional singles spots (bars, nightclubs) often turn into disasters or have a short shelf life is that the atmosphere is purposely artificial. Some people thrive in artificial environments and feel comfortable there, but I suspect that this is a rather small percentage of folks that doesn't include you.

Also consider this: hanging out at nightclubs means your chances of running into Andrew Cunanan are greater. Please don't think that Dr. Lovemonkey is advocating against clubs (I like 'em), because they are great for a number of things. I just don't think finding your true love is one of them.

Actually, go back to the first paragraph of this response. That's your best bet.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a married man who is incredibly brilliant and charming, but a hopeless Lothario. I just can't bring myself to break it off. Am I being foolish, or do you think that I should hang in there?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

C'mon, you know the answer. Leave our President alone. He's got enough problems.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What is the difference between stalking and aggressively pursuing a relationship with someone?

Larry

Dear Larry,

The key word is "unwanted," as in "unwanted attention." If someone has told you, in no uncertain terms, that your attention is unwanted, back off.

While it's true that there are many people who "play games" or hard-to-get, the reasonable human being must always assume that when someone tells you that your attentions are not appreciated, that person is telling you the truth. If the object of your desire changes his/her mind, you must also operate on the assumption that he/she will let you know.

By the way, the fact that you're even asking the question leads Dr. Lovemonkey to believe that you are a potential (if not actual) stalker. Seek counseling or turn yourself in to the police immediately.

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