by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend seems to have an obsessive interest in photographs of naked women. He's got magazines all over his house, and although I've told him that I don't like it and he's told me that he's gotten rid of them and doesn't buy them anymore, I know he's lying. What should I do?

Annie

Dear Annie,

There are a couple of avenues to take in dealing with your boyfriend's hobby. One would be for you to start cultivating an interest in photographs of naked men. Not just any naked men, but naked men with lots of tattoos. Either that, or give your boyfriend an ultimatum -- donate the entire collection to Brown University's Rockefeller Library (but only if they'll guarantee a great tax write-off), or you'll join the circus.

Assuming that your boyfriend is older than 15 and is not a professional photographer studying these mags for reasons having to do with composition, lighting, etc., I don't find your cease-and-desist request all that unreasonable. Undoubtedly, this opinion of mine will serve as further fuel for those who find Dr. Lovemonkey to be intolerant and stodgy, but so be it.

Excessive interest in pictures of naked humans by those who have reached what is known as "adulthood" has always been something that I do not fully "get" (kinda like guys who wear toupees). But judging from the revenues generated by the "adult entertainment industry" (not to mention the Hair Club for Men), I am undoubtedly in the minority here.

Have you ever sat down with your boyfriend and discussed his interest in naked chix pix? Exploring why you find such a pastime unseemly and why he has such enthusiasm for it might bring you both closer to an understanding of the way your varying erotic desires manifest themselves. Maybe you're too weird for each other. If your boyfriend is a sexually mature and fine companion in all other ways, you could always say, "So what?" You should talk about it or start looking for those tattooed guys.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What's the deal with this cigar craze? My husband has become smitten with it, and I've told him that he can't smoke in the house. I'm not trying to get him to quit or anything, because I know that he enjoys them and I really don't mind that much. I just don't want him smoking in the house. Am I being too harsh?

Brenda

Dear Brenda,

You've come to the right person with this one, as Dr. Lovemonkey is also a cigar smoker. As one of my compatriots once put it, "It's a filthy habit, but it's our habit."

Not allowing cigar smoking in the house is just as big a craze as the actual cigar itself, and it makes complete sense. Cigars cause curtains, furniture, clothing, hair, and virtually everything else to reek of smoke. It's a totally acceptable compromise.

To get back to the "deal with this cigar craze," Dr. Lovemonkey gets exercised every time he sees a copy of Cigar Aficionado magazine. You can expect the popularity of cigars and cigarettes to increase for a while, but all the trend means to Dr. Lovemonkey is that there are now a whole lot of fairly good $3 cigars that cost $7 -- and an even greater number of not-so-good $1 cigars that cost $4. For the veteran cigar smoker, this really sucks.

There is hope, though. If your husband is merely riding the trend, there will soon be a backlash. Ridicule of cigar chic is already on the upswing, and the more that the insecure clowns of Hollywood and the assorted other big shots flaunt their stogies, the more uncool cigar smoking will become.

These things always come around in cycles. I can't wait for smoking cigars to become uncool, because then the prices will likely go down. Your husband should be grateful that you're able to tolerate his habit. There are plenty of commercial establishments that allow (even encourage) cigar smoking, and he can hang around there.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have seen a recent ad on television for free minutes on one of the psychic hot lines. Is this a good deal?

Larry

Dear Larry,

Are you the same Larry who used to work with Moe and Curly? Obviously, if "free minutes" on a psychic hot line are actually being offered, it's a variation on an old drug dealer theme -- they give you the free sample in order to get you hooked.

There are two ways one gets hooked on psychic hot lines: a) it's a lotta laughs and you don't mind paying an inflated phone bill to amuse yourself in this way or b) you are hopelessly insane.

The "psychic" who charts your future will, in all likelihood, be a recent high-school dropout who has discovered that talking to the likes of you is far less strenuous than scouring pots and pans at the local Chili's. All he or she needs to do is to keep you on the line for as long as possible in order to jack up that charge.

If you are so inclined to delve into the world of phone psychics, which would make you either one lonely puppy or somebody with too much time on his hands, you shouldn't bother discussing your future. It is already looking bleak.

Instead, you should try to engage the "psychics" in a discussion of their lives and what terrible misfortunes led to their manning the phones in a boiler room somewhere on the outskirts of Sandusky, Ohio. Possibly you could be of some service to them.

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