by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm getting married soon, and my future husband's old buddies are planning a bachelor party for him. It will include a stripper and (I'm sure) much over-the-top drinking. My fiance is not so keen about the idea, and I think it's positively childish. Should he try to pull the plug on this? What do you think of bachelor parties in general?

Tina

Dear Tina,

Employing strippers, getting drunk, and throwing up to celebrate impending nuptials is a time-honored male ritual. It is also, without a doubt, a truly moronic tradition, a notion of "maleness" on par with "the fist fight" or the troglodyte bacchanal that frequently accompanies Super Bowl Sunday.

Reasonable men have been in a quandary for some time now, trying to find the middle ground between this type of Mr. Man infantilism and becoming a regular viewer of Martha Stewart. I would guess that visiting the sweat lodge, banging on a drum in the middle of the woods and then attending a confessional to gripe about how your father neglected to read poetry to you when you were a tyke is not that middle ground.

If your soon-to-be husband is in agreement with you on this, I'd encourage him to pull the plug on the event by refusing to attend. Have him tell his pals that while it would be great to get together with them, the "stripper and getting real drunk" elements of the evening are just too primitive for his human sensibilities.

If there is such strong sentiment among your fiance's pals to engage in atavistic ritual, maybe they could rent some old Three Stooges videos or arm wrestle.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I put an awful lot of work into my relationship. We've been together for about two years now and love each other a lot, but it seems to me that I'm always negotiating something with my girlfriend or working on trying to improve some area of our life together. I don't want to go into boring detail about all this, but I wonder if it's normal to have to put so much work into a relationship.

Ken

Dear Ken,

Maybe if you were the Ken of "Ken & Barbie" fame, things would just magically fall into place and you wouldn't have to put so much work into your relationship. But in the real world, this is the way it is.

"Putting a lot of work" into your relationship is precisely what you should do if you want to build on it and make it last. As for whether it is "normal," to put so much work into a relationship, it probably isn't, and that's why the divorce rate is so high and the peripatetic world of romance is so littered with casualties.

Far too many romantic relationships fall apart before they blossom into something deeper and more meaningful because one or both of the people involved are unprepared for the work involved. A truly good and strong relationship does, and should, take a lot of work.

The problem is that we get too many of our notions about romantic life from movies and television, which never show the give and take of life. What show biz gives us is the easy stuff: the initial attraction, the great romantic moments, and the dramatic passions. Although the bulk of life is not like this at all, too many of us have cultivated unreal expectations.

Just because you are committed to each other does not necessarily mean that things will come easily. There is always a lot of work involved. If you really love each other, relish the journey and keep working. Rest assured that you are doing the right thing.

---

A letter I received back in June from a "TMG" who was receiving unwanted phone calls from a former boyfriend prompted this letter:

This is a quick note in response to TMG. I had a similar experience, and if she wants to have any peace of mind, she MUST do the following:

1) Absolutely NEVER ever respond to this man in any way, not even to explain nicely to him why his calls are unwelcome. It will not work. No matter what you say to him, he will interpret your response as "negotiation." It will encourage him. If you get angry with him and tell him off, he will know that he is getting under your skin -- which is exactly what he wants. This man wants attachment and will settle for anything you give him. Stop giving it! Hang up without a word.

2) Sounds Draconian, I know, but get one of those little suction cup thingies from Radio Shack and a tape recorder and start recording all of your calls. There are also devices that give the number of where the call is coming from and keep a record of every call this jerk makes to you. Start now. If he continues to call you even after you have stopped responding to him, you will have a very solid case if you have to go to court.

3) Call the police. Call your local women's resource center, call a lawyer. Look up whatever statutes your state has about stalking. A stern official-looking letter from your district attorney may be all you need.

4) DON'T think, "Oh gee, I dunno if I need to go that far . . . ." It is tempting sometimes for victims in situations like this to have their own bit of denial about how serious the problem is. Honey, you are talking about FOUR YEARS (of unwanted phone calls). "Sociopath" was the word YOU chose to use. Ding! Ding! If you don't hear the warning bell, may I turn it up for you? Listen to your fear.

And get into therapy. You need all the support you can get in a case like this. I know how you must feel. I had a similar psycho in my life once, and it really did take the whirling blue lights on the police car to get him to lay off. Do whatever it takes.

Name withheld

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---