by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I had been going out with a guy for about four months when he had an episode at work that was judged paranoid/schizophrenic. He ended up leaving his job and, because he was receiving a much smaller amount of money in disability pay, moved in with me. I basically paid the rent, bought the food, took care of him, etc., etc., for the next year or so.

Eventually, someone in his family died, and he stood to receive some inheritance money. Just a week or so before the inheritance money was to revert to him, he moved out (without informing me), and now I find out that he immediately moved in with another woman and is back at another job.

This has really impacted my self-esteem. Do you have any advice on how to deal with my emotional depression?

Helen

Dear Helen,

If this is really troubling you, it is never a bad idea to try some counseling. Apparently, you were conned by someone, someone you cared about and trusted. Maybe your self-esteem has been impacted because you feel you were naive or too trusting or something along those lines. Actually, you should be angry, because this guy sounds like (as we used to say in high school) a piece of shit.

When someone close betrays your trust, it always takes time to recover. Don't for a minute, though, blame yourself or start going over the whole thing in excruciating detail to see what you could have done differently. For all I know, this guy could have faked his mental problem, although I don't know how difficult that is to do. (Dr. Lovemonkey, after all, is not a real physician. The "doctor" is an honorific -- in short, I bestowed it upon myself). Just keep saying to yourself, "That guy sucked, and I'm okay."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I tell my girlfriend virtually everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly. I believe that it's important to be fully honest with another person if you're going to have a strong and meaningful relationship. The problem is that sometimes she gets angry with me because I am being so honest.

For instance, she got her hair cut not long ago and asked me what I thought of it. I told her that I didn't like it much. She didn't actually get angry, but she got really moody instead.

Don't you think that honesty is the best policy? Should I start lying to someone who is really important to me just because it would be more convenient?

Bennie

Dear Bennie,

Everything you believe, feel, or suspect is not so important that you should share it, even with your most intimate friend. Some things you should just keep to yourself. You'll never know another person completely (hell, you'll never know yourself completely) and vice versa, and to be bent on doing that can sometimes (regardless of intent) be destructive and hurtful.

One of the benefits of a good intimate relationship is support. When your girlfriend gets her hair cut and asks your opinion, she's probably not looking for an actual critique, just some support. In general, people need support more than they need "complete honesty."

Let's say you're walking down the street with your girlfriend, and you see someone else that you think is really attractive. Based on your standard of "complete honesty," are you going to mention to your girlfriend that that person is really good-looking?

Unless you're an idiot, you won't do this for a number of reasons. First of all, your girlfriend's initial reaction to a comment like that would likely be, "Why is he saying that?" And, it's a good question. Why are you saying that? What's the point?

The only reason why something like that would tumble from your lips is either thoughtlessness (and I don't think that is your problem, Bennie) or a lack of discipline. Relationships, after all, do take discipline -- the discipline to observe what your partner likes and enjoys so that you may help provide it and the ability to interpret the other person's feelings through his or her behavior and words.

It's not a matter of truth, Bennie, so much as a matter of what is and isn't important. To Dr. Lovemonkey's way of thinking, it is far more important and meaningful (and, I believe, honest) to respond to your girlfriend's query about the new haircut with a banality like, "I don't know, it's really different," rather than some bold truth like, "It sucks, it looks like you shampooed with pine tar and steroids."

Little facts or feelings pale in comparison to the greater, more important truth, which (if this is a good relationship) is, "I care about you, and I want you to feel good about yourself and your life." If your "truth" doesn't fit into that context, then it's probably not very important.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There's this guy I really like, but there is one thing that turns me off about him. He wears those bright slacks that you see on guys playing golf . . . you know canary yellow, peach, and bright-green pants. They are hideous. How can I convince him to burn them all?

Liz

Dear Liz,

How can I convince you that you are wrong? Dr. Lovemonkey has it on good authority that brightly colored golf slacks will be the cutting-edge clothing of the millennium, along with shirts made of plywood, clown shoes (three to four sizes too big), and giant rubber hats. Also, robots made of cheese will replace the US Post Office and deliver the mail, and Paul Anka will make a giant comeback, not as a singer but as the most famous brain surgeon in the world. Now who's worse, Liz -- this guy you've got your eye on or Dr. Lovemonkey?

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