by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I met this guy Marco a year and a half ago. He lives in Maine and I live in Providence. We spent the night together, and in the morning, he insisted on giving me his number. I called, and we hooked up on several occasions. I was always the one who ended up making the plans and the trips. He always came up with excuses (i.e., car problems) for why he couldn't visit me.

One weekend, my girlfriend and I were partying in Maine. We met some guys, and they ended up partying with us in our hotel room. One of the guys passed out in my bed. I called Marco the next day, and he met me at the hotel. Later that night, I brought up the topic of the guys in our room. He thought that was very classless, and he told me he didn't want to see me again.

I got pregnant as a result of our passionate reunion earlier that day, and regret I was totally honest with him about the guys partying in our room. I decided to keep the baby but was not going to tell him. A few months later I had a miscarriage. The doctors told me I lost the baby due to stress. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise, because I would've been bringing the baby into the world without a father.

A couple of months later, I ran into Marco at a party in Providence. I was hurt because he was in town and hadn't called to say "hi." His excuse was that he thought it was tacky to call just because he was in town, having never made the effort from out-of-town (nice try!). I was very civil to him, and we ended up hanging out all night.

About a month ago, I found out from a mutual friend that Marco had cancer. I called to show my support. I also made plans with some friends to go and visit him, and he seemed fine with the idea that we were coming up (or so I thought!). He met up with us one night and blew us off for the rest of the weekend. Hurt and upset, I cried all the way home.

A few days later, I called him to see why he blew us off. He said he felt bad that he was going to ruin our weekend, because we wanted to party and he couldn't really party with us. Believe it or not, I still have feelings for Marco. Should I give it up? If so, how do I finalize the relationship? Or (better yet) how do I get him to be a man and confront me?

Desperate & confused,

Mia

Dear Mia,

From your letter, I don't have a very good understanding of what your relationship with Marco is all about. When I read something like " . . . we spent the night together and in the morning he insisted on giving me his number," I get the sense that this began as a fairly casual fling. Meanwhile, your frequent references to "partying" make me wonder whether the world of partying was the context of your relationship. If not for you, maybe it was for Marco. But, as I said, I can't get a clear sense of this from your letter.

Do know this, though, Mia -- having and raising a child is serious business. On top of that, single parenthood is incredibly tough, even for those who have chosen it. So be careful.

I suggest you take a good look at your life. To have a healthy relationship or to be a parent takes commitment, concentration, discipline, and a number of other qualities that have no known connection to the world of partying. My immediate advice to you concerning the Marco situation is to, as you say, give it up. My greater concern has to do with alerting you to avoid entangling "partying" with "profundity." And believe Dr. Lovemonkey when he says that there is nothing so profound as bringing another life into this world.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I are completely faithful to each other. In fact, we were both virgins before we started this relationship. Anyway, we would like to start having anal sex and are wondering if there is any long-term side effects. I mean, is there a possibility of loosening the anal muscle and causing problems after prolonged anal sex? Also, I plan on penetrating without a condom. Do either of us run a risk of some kind of infection since the tissue is so sensitive? Any insight would be helpful.

Thanks in advance,

Buttman

Dear Buttman,

This is the kind of question you'd want to take to an actual physician rather than to Dr. Lovemonkey, who is (in case you haven't figured it out) not an M.D. I am, in fact, a humor writer who, in this column, deals with the highly subjective area of matters of the heart and matters of behavior. You are in need of much more specific technical information. Allow me to offer a brief illustration of how I think you should deal with your question.

Let's say that you, Buttman, were indicted on a felony charge. This is not too difficult to imagine, because in Rhode Island, the state I live in, what you and your girlfriend are considering doing is a felony offense. (So, by the way, is any kind of oral sex, according to my state's anti-sodomy statute. And this is true for all consenting adults, legally married or not.)

So let's say that you are arrested and in need of some help. My guess is that you would very quickly deduce that in order to receive actual worthwhile advice, you would need to consult with what is known as a criminal defense attorney. As you came to this realization, you would simultaneously recognize that your first notion, to place a long-distance phone call to the head writer of NYPD Blue, could be placed in the "Waste of Time" file.

Dr. Lovemonkey believes that, when seeking information of a technical nature, it makes sense to consult with a professional. Therefore, let me suggest that you would be wise to check with an actual medical doctor.

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