by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A good buddy, one of my oldest friends, called me up with a request, and I'm not sure what to do. He knows that I work late a lot, so he asked if he could use my apartment some evening for a rendezvous with a woman he's hot to trot with. The problem is that he's been married for about a year. I'm friendly with his wife, too, and I just don't want to be involved. He's putting a lot of pressure on me. What can I do?

Raymond

Dear Raymond,

Since this guy is a good buddy of yours, I'll assume you attended the wedding ceremony. And as I recall, most wedding ceremonies include a part where the witnesses to the marriage pledge to support the couple throughout their lifetime. Here's your chance. Tell your pal to cut the shit. Tell him you think that marriage is serious business and that you can't be party to such despicable behavior. That's what you should do.

Dr. Lovemonkey realizes that it is sometimes difficult to tell a friend he's acting like an incredible heel. Accordingly, there is an alternative method for straightening out this clown. Call him and tell him that you'll let him use your apartment on such and such a date. Then, go out and obtain a number of photographs of his wife, including some shots of the bride and groom at their wedding.

While it is doubtful that you have access to a copy of his marriage certificate, you could always have a bogus one made up. After this, hang up all of the memorabilia throughout your bedroom and then get a number of chairs to place around your bed. On them, put some scorecards and pens.

A Bible on the nightstand next to your bed also would be a most attractive touch, along with bright lights in the bedroom and a video camera mounted high up on the wall in the corner. (The latter, of course, would be optional, as not everyone has a video camera.)

It's a lot of work, I know, but it is one way to deliver the message.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend's jogging is driving me nuts! He wakes up every morning, seven days a week, and jogs a couple of miles. Then he comes back all sweaty and takes a shower, waking me up again. I'm not opposed to good health, but every day? It seems like very compulsive behavior, and I wish he were a little more laid-back. Is there something wrong with me?

Caroline

Dear Caroline,

Yes, there's something wrong with you. Jogging a few miles everyday is not exactly evidence of a compulsive personality. Maybe there are a lot of other things that point to this conclusion, but you haven't mentioned any. Being health-conscious is what Martha Stewart calls "a good thing," and you don't have to be Martha Stewart to appreciate that.

But maybe you are Martha Stewart and writing under a fake name. If so, you're the one who's compulsive, Martha, but don't take that personally. (By the way, I have a design to make a faux Chippendale cabinet out of old paper-towel tubes -- but it'll cost you.)

Also, it's a definite plus that your boyfriend has chosen to take a shower after running. I know, it's part of that crazy health regimen that drives you nuts, but think of what life would be like without showers.

You may want to caution him, however, about wearing the type of baggy, yet skimpy jogging shorts favored by our president. It is Dr. Lovemonkey's opinion that they look good on virtually no one. It is also Dr. Lovemonkey's opinion that you may be a little too "laid-back" (i.e., wake up and smell the locker room). Please write again, Caroline, when you have something actually legitimate to gripe about.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a chronic eavesdropper, and I'm starting to feel a little guilty about it. I know all sorts of things about people that I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. Is this an invasion of privacy? Is there any kind of help I can get for this, or should I just forget about it?

Terry

Dear Terry,

Yes, it's an invasion of privacy, but having all sorts of information about people is so much fun -- especially about people you don't even know. Although the opportunity to listen in on other people's conversations is not the reason why buses were invented, it's a truly compelling one to keep them running.

You could always wear cotton plugs in your ears if you are wracked with shame over your unfortunate habit. You might even want to ask yourself, "How hard am I straining to hear the conversation between these two people?" In general though, I would advise you not to worry about it.

After all, if you keep all of this personal information to yourself, you really aren't doing anything terribly wrong, except being a nosy bastard. It's not like you are going out to discover the deepest, darkest secrets of people. Hey, they are communicating with other people. It's just that you weren't invited.

It's nice to know that you have a conscience, Terry, but I don't see any great harm in being a nosy bastard. Personally, Dr. Lovemonkey loves to listen in on other people's conversations in public settings. Especially exciting is listening to men trying to pick up (or, as they say, "hit on") women. This can be dangerous if you are of the male gender, however. The only time I actually considered an appointment for a sex-change operation was after prolonged exposure to men's pickup lines.

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