by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About five months ago, I met a girl and we decided to go on a date. She stood me up, told a few lies, and never called me again. A week ago, I bumped into her at the grocery store, and she came up to me all smiles and apologized, saying that a lot of shit was happening in her life at that time and that she was a bitch to all her friends and to me. I'd like to go out with her, but I am not sure if I should be the first to ask her out again or if I should wait for her to do so. Also, when I see her next, how can I convey to her that I'm still interested?

Ziggy

Dear Ziggy,

Very simple here, Ziggy. Apparently, you find her explanation for her unfortunate behavior believable. You are willing to overlook it and to see if you can establish contact. Hence, there's no need to play games, such as "hard to get" or "who'll make the first move."

Frankly, I've never understood what that is all about, this sort of gamesmanship that also goes on in the squalid world of commerce. If you, like the women who wrote the alleged dating guide The Rules, want your home life to be just another part of a business deal (i.e., predicated on lying, cheating, exploitation, and all the other fine qualities associated with the marketplace), then go right ahead and play games. You'll make "a good catch," and you can look forward to many exciting years of infidelity and Republican politics.

If, however, your concept of a relationship has more to do with honesty, trust, sharing, and mutual support (very unbusinesslike behavior), then start operating on these principles. You have decided to give this woman another chance -- so call her.

Assuming you are considering a possible relationship with this woman, what would be the point of playing hard to get? By calling her, you will convey that you are interested.

Of course, she could turn out to be evil, lying pond scum anyway, but you need to find out these things on your own. Always go with your instincts when it comes to giving someone a second chance. Unless, of course, you have incredibly bad instincts and are an exceptionally poor judge of character. In that case, find an Eddie Haskell-like Svengali/mentor and do everything he says.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was watching Gary Ley's weather report on Providence's Channel 10 the other day when they went into this special segment. I think it was called something like "The teacher's guide to TV weather." They asked a question that I guess was meant for school kids. It was, "Why is weather forecasting important?"

I couldn't believe this, and I went nuts screaming at the TV screen. What kind of question is that? I can see "What's a dew point?" or "How come tornadoes always show up at trailer parks?" But this seemed to be really stupid.

My girlfriend got really upset with me, and we are now on the outs. Should I apologize for my outburst? How can I get back in her good graces?

Ben

Dear Ben,

There is no future in having a girlfriend who is, in essence, an apologist for Gary Ley. Dump her immediately. Although it is acceptable to go out with someone who has a soft spot for Art Lake (who is much cooler, because he is a TV weatherman and not an actual meteorologist), you must keep in mind that your problem is not directly related to weather reports or even to the fact that television, in general, is an ongoing insult to the intelligence of most of those capable of walking on their hind legs for over an hour.

Your yelling at the TV would not be unlike your getting upset at the quality of food (or clientele, for that matter) at a New York System wiener joint at 2 a.m. Bad food and worse people are why you go there. On television, reports of water buffalos on the loose in Sandusky, Ohio, and health and consumer tips (cancer is bad, don't give your Social Security number to someone named Bobo who is selling magazines over the phone, etc.) are why you watch the local news.

As the writer Gore Vidal has pointed out, it's all just one big funhouse, and those who demand or are expecting big differences between what is called "the news" on television and your standard "Buttmaster" infomercial are too far out of the loop.

I suspect your girlfriend was already brooding about some of your other real or imagined deficiencies when she lost it over your reaction to an inane feature on a weather report. Get to the root of what's bothering her. If it is actually about how you responded to television, it's (as I said before) sayonara, baby.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm thinking of having a tattoo on a very private place (if you know what I mean). I hear that it hurts, but I'm up for it. Do you know anything about it so that you could calm down my main squeeze, who thinks this is not a good idea?

Eddie

Dear Eddie,

I take it that what you're telling me is that you are about to get your John Thomas (aka your male unit) tattooed. Although I hate to make snap judgements, I get the sense that you, Eddie, are just the sort of guy who should have this done. What's the design? If you haven't decided on one yet, allow me to suggest an image of Albert Einstein in a pensive mood. It's you, Eddie.

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