by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a SWM, 22 years old, and currently dating two women. I am confused as to what I want. My ex-girlfriend, whom I was with for three and a half years, broke it off with me about seven months ago. Since then, I haven't been able to get close to the girls I have dated. If I feel that I am starting to like them, I back off and eventually stop seeing them. I am starting to really like one of the women I am dating, but I constantly find myself putting up a shield. What's up with that?

Joe

Dear Joe,

Nothing unusual here. You don't have to (and shouldn't) worry about "getting close" to anyone at this time. Basically, you're still licking your wounds from your last relationship, Joe.

After an intimate relationship, it can take a long time to eliminate emotional baggage and feel comfortable enough to start anew. Basically, you're not ready yet to enter into a significant, sharing relationship.

Explain to this woman you really like that you feel your defenses are still somewhat high. Slow down and retain your friendship. If she thinks you're really worthwhile, she will want to remain friends. On the other hand, if you rush into some sort of forced intimacy because you believe that you should be ready after seven months, you could botch future possibilities.

People constantly rush into relationships when they're not ready. Take your time, have fun, keep things casual. A successful intimate relationship will blossom only when both parties are ready. At the moment, you're not.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a friend who is very good-looking, but she apparently has no fashion sense. The problem is that for the last few years, she seems to have been studying me and eventually ends up wearing clothes just like mine, her hair just like mine, buying the same jewelry, everything.

Basically, she is a style thief. I find this more than a little irritating, but I don't know how to bring it up with her. Any suggestions?

Amy

Dear Amy,

When faced with an ongoing criminal enterprise, law-enforcement agencies frequently set up what is known as a "sting operation." Although not literally "criminal," stealing another person's style is serious effrontery.

To solve your dilemma, start affecting a look that is absolutely wrong and see if your friend bites. You may recall that after President Reagan left the White House, he had surgery that required him to shave the hair off half his head. This was a startling and dramatic look.

Seek out someone who does special- effects makeup and see if you can get a little latex covering for half of your head. Since your friend is so certain of your unerring fashion sense, convince her that the half-shorn look is in.

If your friend continues to exhibit blind faith in your fashion sense by getting her head shaved, convince her that the latest fashion accessory is a large ceramic ashtray worn around the neck and attached to a rope. (Crazy Glue will come in handy here.) Then tell her that the latest diet consists of eating cheese six times a day.

Document your friend's fashion progress with photographs and put them up on the Internet. Of course, if it turns out that the rest of the world embraces your friend's new look, Dr. Lovemonkey's gambit has obviously failed. Even so, you will have at least rid yourself of your friend's fashion sycophancy.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My 8-year-old really wants a Barbie, but I am cold to the idea. I think that Barbie represents all the wrong values. I don't know what to do. Most of her friends have the dreaded doll, and it's getting increasingly difficult for me to deny her without her whining all the time. Any ideas?

Stressed Mommy

Dear Stressed Mommy,

Guiding kids through the ever-voracious consumer culture is one of the true dilemmas of modern life, so my heart goes out to you, Stressed Mommy. The good news is that Barbie is presently undergoing a makeover.

According to the Wall Street Journal, the Mattel Company has decided to perform a little plastic surgery on the new Barbie line, giving the doll a breast reduction and an expanded waistline and closing her come-hither mouth. This means that the new Ms. Barbie will, at least physically, conform a bit more to what an actual human female looks like.

The bad news is that Barbie is still the same consumer-mad, upwardly-mobile nightmare who prefers to live in "Dream Houses" rather than in the real world.

Kids like make-believe, and Barbie is relentlessly make-believe. As a result, I'm not sure how much damage she actually does in the context of the funhouse world in which we all live. Still, if you are on the verge of getting your daughter the doll, you could consider some alternatives to her clothes-horse tendencies.

Try introducing your daughter to "Red Diaper Prole Barbie" by stitching together a few scraps of material. A burlap sack and scissors would be a good place to start. Then again, maybe you could convince your daughter that Barbie really digs the comfort of GI Joe's fatigues, that her Barbie is not really a party animal but a special, socially-conscious Barbie.

You and your daughter (and Barbie) could all dress in black and sponsor a "Beatnik Barbie" poetry reading. Invite some of her other playmates over. They will feel very un-hip, because while their Barbies still hang with lame-o's like Ken, your daughter's is engaged in an intense (yet chaste) long-distance pen pal relationship with Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---