by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My lover of 18 years walked out on me in October. This all started in April of this year while I was in bed, sick. The things that were done crushed me. I am generally a strong person and very spiritual-minded. However, all my efforts to regain my spirituality, trust in God and faith have been slow to nil.

I have sought assistance for spiritual guidance and someone to assist me during these times of sadness and distress, but it seems as if every door I knock on is slammed in my face. I am desperately in need of something to guide me spiritually, because I know that only God can fix this for me.

Are you aware of any organization or anyone who could assist me? Sometimes, the pain is so great that I don't want to live anymore. I know that there is nothing that I can do to turn this around, that I must give it to God, who can. It is the most difficult thing that I have had to do.

I have seen doctors who recommend almost nothing. I went to my pastor, who recommended that I go to choir meetings. My brother, a minister, recommended some pastor friends of his for me to talk to, but none was available.

I pray daily, I trust God (as best I can right now), and I am attempting to keep the faith. Is there anyone out there who can help me through this? Practically all my friends have abandoned me since this began, and the sad expression on my face keeps me from going out and attempting to socialize with new people. Also, I don't go out in this city for fear of running into my lover with someone else.

Help me please

Dear Help me please,

I'm sure that you're aware that your need is far beyond anything that Dr. Lovemonkey can provide. I am not a licensed therapist or a counselor, so I am reluctant to suggest anything to someone who is so clearly depressed. There is an organization called the Samaritans that may be of some comfort to you. I suggest you call them. It also seems obvious that you should seek competent professional counselling.

Beyond that, your letter contains too little information. I don't understand why your friends have abandoned you, if they are truly your friends. Maybe they are frustrated because you seem unreachable in your sorrow. You need to reach out to them in a way that allows them to reach you. There must be someone you can talk to, but you have to open up.

If your lover acted as cruelly and thoughtlessly as you describe, then acknowledge it as such. You have every right to be angry after 18 years.

I do believe that you have to start working on your attitude, though. God can work through you, but to be truly receptive, you must do things for yourself. Keep trying. Remember that many people have worked through chapters in their lives far more devastating than yours. There are people who have had to face the loss of a child or the horror of a terrible illness at an early age.

Please get some professional help and know that you can get through this but that it requires summoning up the will to do so. Help from the outside can only be of use when you are receptive and working from the inside.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am working on creating healthy personal and professional relationships in my life through good communication, self analysis, etc. The problem is that I am a single, heterosexual female attempting to relate intimately with men on subjects beyond sports and music, and I continue to feel as though I am asking too much.

I believe that men and women have a lot more in common than our differences and that we have plenty to teach each other. However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to avoid this dark, cynical side of myself that likes to generalize and lump men into the "hopeless" category or "incapable of deep communication," etc.

Do you have any suggestions or encouraging insight that might point me in a brighter direction? Thanks.

Blue Christmas

Dear Blue Christmas,

I recently did a head count and discovered that there are indeed 23 men in southern New England willing to discuss subjects other than sports and music. Your challenge is to find one of these 23. Unfortunately, for reasons of confidentiality, I cannot reveal their names or addresses.

Keep in mind that "deep communication" does not generally happen overnight. It evolves. Also, when searching for the poet at the picnic, remember to try and make it to the right picnic.

Maybe the places where you have been meeting men are gathering spots for troglodytes. It could be that you need to search in other places. Either way, don't spend too much time at hockey games.

It has been Dr. Lovemonkey's experience that sparks tend to fly when you least expect them. How this does you any good, I really don't know, because you are "looking."

Relax. There are men who like women out there, but many of them are just too awkward to know how to go about it. It takes a little time to cut through all the foolishness.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I went out with this woman for about six months and we broke it off a couple of years ago because she said she didn't have time for a relationship. For the last 10 months, I've been seeing someone else whom I really care about. Now, all of a sudden, my ex has surfaced and indicated that she is available. I'd like to be friends with her, but I don't want to upset my current girlfriend. How can I do this?

Mr. Confused

Dear Mr. Confused,

You can't be intimate with two women at once. Sounds like your ex is looking for intimacy and getting friendly with her again is a bad idea. If you have a good relationship that you are working on, don't screw it up. This is "have my cake and eat it, too" syndrome. Keep your distance if you value your relationship.

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