by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

After five years of ups and downs with my girlfriend, I have decided to propose to her. My plan was to clean away the slate before I made this step and to tell her a couple of my secrets. In the past, I have had to lie to her in order to keep her from being hurt about some of the decisions I've made.

I told her about several trips to the local gentleman's bar (what an oxymoron!), where she had strictly forbidden my presence. I let her know that although I once told her I would not purchase pornography, I have not stopped and would not in the future.

But the biggest lie of all was one that concerned an indiscretion with another woman during a short breakup of our relationship. At the time, I told her nothing had happened, because I knew if I told her about it, we would not get back together.

I now feel like it might have been a big mistake to tell her these things. Now, all the trust that has been built over five years will be destroyed because of the lies told to protect her from the harsh reality that is me. I love her with a passion that few can fathom and even fewer have experienced. But now it would appear that my gesture to start off a marriage with 100-percent honesty may jeopardize all that I truly desire.

I know that I was wrong to lie, but I feel worst about telling the truth. Did I do the right thing? How can I show her that I told her these things because I want nothing to ever come between us, especially a lie.

-- Typical Male

Dear Typical Male,

Doing the right thing does not necessarily mean that one then gets what one desires. Yes, you did the right thing if you admitted to lying, although, judging from the tone of your letter, I am not certain whether you have done this yet. Now comes the hard part: you must be able to accept the consequences of your actions.

You see, there are a few flaws in your thinking. When you refer to "all the trust that has been built over five years," you are talking about a trust that has been predicated on deception, so there is no real trust. What's more, the lies you told were not "to protect her from the harsh reality" that is you but to protect you from the harsh reality of your behavior.

It is good that you understand that the foundation of a marriage cannot be built on deception and falsehoods, but it also cannot be based on escaping judgement. That line of thinking reminds me of public officials who say that they are going to "take responsibility" for their actions, not realizing that the truly difficult part about this is not acknowledging wrongdoing but facing the consequences.

For you, the consequences are that the object of your affection is now likely to pull back again. This is not entirely tragic, because although you believe that you are ready to get married, I think you two are not. Maybe you will be able to work things out between you, but this will take time.

I do hope that you have decided to dedicate yourself to being honest with your girlfriend and that she will forgive you and you can start anew. But if your dedication to pornography and trips to the "gentleman's bar" are necessities for you and your girlfriend cannot accept them, you may be with the wrong person. That is harsh reality.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a problem that often recurs. I am a fairly attractive, very outgoing, friendly, affectionate, funny, and vivacious woman of 30. On more than one occasion, I have met a man at a club, party, or through friends and struck up a reasonably interesting (or at least humorous) conversation with him.

We have what I consider to be a lively or interesting chat for anywhere from 20 to 60 minutes. It ends when the fellow gets up and leaves to go "do something" (bathroom, get a drink, say "hi" to a friend, etc.), and I am never sure what to do at this point -- look pathetic waiting for him to come back or try to find someone else to have a conversation with so that I look terribly in demand.

I usually go for the latter, because I am afraid of looking dorky and because it eases my feelings of discomfort. But it seems that whichever of these I select, the fellow frequently doesn't return, and further attempts to engage him in chatter don't work so well.

I don't see any evidence of these gentlemen not enjoying the conversation before they split. I am quite a popular person, outside of getting dates, so I don't think it is because I am a big, boring blowhard. But unlike other women I know, I am never asked for my phone number or out on a date as a result of these interactions.

This makes me wonder if I am scaring these men off by seeming too self-reliant. If so, how can I let men know that I am interested in them without scaring them away by being too aggressive or not true to myself? Acting dumb is hardly my style. Help me, oh monkey one -- you're my only hope.

-- All Dressed Up with Nowhere to Go

Dear All Dressed Up,

You are mixing apples and oranges here. At clubs and parties, the atmosphere tends to be one of diffused attention. This works against sparkling conversation, as many of the people there are caught up in the moment, drinking, soaking in the meat-rack potential, etc. You need to meet people in quieter, less frenzied settings, places more conducive to maintaining one's attention span. Clubs and parties actively work against this.

Seek out calmer surroundings to make connections with men, and I'll bet you'll do much better. And by the way, many men like it when women are a bit more forward, so don't worry about changing your style.

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