by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am dating my best friend. It has been a little over a year now and everything is going swell. I love him much more than as just a friend. However, there's a problem. For a while now, I have been bi-curious. I have no idea what has driven me so strongly this way, but that's how I feel. I've never slept with a girl, but I'd like to try it (someone I know, of course).

I'm very attracted to men, that's for sure. But this sexual attraction for women just awoke inside of me. So what my question boils down to is, What should I do?

-- Bi-Curious

Dear Bi-Curious,

Dr. Lovemonkey receives quite a few letters from people who start off talking about their hearts and wind up wanting to discuss their loins. You are asking me whether I feel it is appropriate to pursue your carnal interests despite the fact that you are in a relationship that seems to make you happy and satisfied.

Well, the person you should discuss this with is not Dr. Lovemonkey but the man you are dating. It doesn't matter what the orientation of your interests are -- bi-sexual, homosexual, heterosexual. The essence of your quandary has to do with the parameters of your present relationship.

Is the nature of your relationship with your best friend one of intimacy and exclusivity? Is it one in which you implicitly give each other permission to engage in sexual activities with other people?

In general, when someone tells me that he/she is involved in a loving relationship, I assume that it is intimate and exclusive. If so, why would you jeopardize this and be willing to cause a great deal of hurt and confusion merely because you are curious about sex with someone else?

If your curiosity outweighs your feelings for this person, then you shouldn't be in an exclusive and intimate relationship with him. If your relationship is not exclusive, then there shouldn't be a problem in either of you acting on whatever impulses you might have.

The fact is that people who have an exclusive, intimate relationship with another (including those who are married) do not magically stop having sexual fantasies or cease finding others attractive and desirable. The reason they don't act on their curiosities, desires, or fantasies is that they believe the relationship they are engaged in is special and important and that loving that other person implies loyalty and commitment and something bigger than the two individuals involved.

The answer to your question is obvious. If you value your relationship, you honor it by not acting on your impulses outside of that bond. Otherwise, you dishonor the relationship. It's a simple matter of priorities.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm about to break up with my girlfriend. I don't really want to get into why I want to break it off, but believe me when I tell you that we both are to blame for things not working out. My main problem right now is where to stage this dramatic event.

I believe that it's best to do it at her place. That way, I'll be able to get the hell out of there in my own time frame and won't need to worry about broken crockery, long and torturous crying jags, or other histrionics. She can get rather emotional, you see. Does this make sense to you?

-- D.A.

Dear D.A.

Sure, this makes sense to Dr. Lovemonkey if I want to think solely in terms of my own comfort and feelings. But Dr. Lovemonkey would like to believe that you, D.A., are not so crass.

The fact is that you are the prime instigator of the breakup and, therefore, are already in the more controlling position. Consideration and comfort should cut both ways, and it would be unfair of you to orchestrate this scene in order to escape more than your share of the sorrow and sadness that accompanies such traumatic doings.

What about telling her on neutral turf? A semi-public place like a secluded booth at a restaurant might be best, as it might neutralize extremely emotional outbursts but still give you both an opportunity to discuss things with some degree of privacy.

In the long run, it is always better to be as thoughtful and concerned about your soon-to-be-ex's feelings as possible. Think about the reasons why you got together in the first place and what it is you value about her as a person. Does she not still possess many of the qualities that attracted you initially? If so, it's important that you let her know that you still recognize them, even though you are now firmly convinced that the relationship is not working.

If you do this in a way that is not designed to merely protect your own feelings, you may find that your friendship may return someday and endure. Being decent and fair means not pressing the advantage of being in the more powerful position. And, as the one who is initiating the breakup, you are in the more powerful position.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My best friend broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, and since I have always had a thing for her, I'm thinking about asking her out. I'm concerned that he might get pissed, even though they are now pretty angry with each other. What should I do?

-- Up In the Air

Dear Up In the Air,

If this is your best friend, discuss it with him before you do anything. Feel him out on the situation. Maybe he has strong feelings about this. Maybe he'll deny it. You need to read his feelings on it. If you sense that he's uneasy with the idea, you might want to back off, because this could indeed jeopardize your friendship. Be careful.

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