by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I went out with a guy named Phil for a short time, maybe a couple of months. It was okay, but he wasn't like the love of my life, so we drifted apart. The problem is that Phil has a video camera and he used to set it up on a tripod and tape us making love.

At the time, it didn't seem like a big deal, but now I'm starting to wonder about those tapes. Should I get back in touch with him and demand that he hand them over to me? I have no idea of what he might do with them. At the time, we would sometimes watch them and get very hot, so I didn't think that this was such a bad thing.

-- Not a Porn Star

Dear Not a Porn Star,

Asking for the tapes back is not an unreasonable request. You should, of course, offer to replace the tapes with newly bought blank ones. The problem is that Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that Phil also knows about the miracle of blank tapes and could very well have made copies already. In other words, getting the tapes from him does not necessarily mean that you won't be embarrassed later on.

Having your sexual adventures filmed or taped is only a good idea if you don't mind sharing them with the rest of the world. Tonya Harding, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson can all attest to this fact (although, in Tommy and Pamela's case, Dr. Lovemonkey has the sneaking suspicion that the dynamic duo weren't all that upset).

There is an element of trust involved here, and it sounds like you don't fully trust old Phil. If Phil has his own Web site called "The Wild World of Naked Phil and His Harem of Chicks," I would suggest that you might be a little late trying to get the videos back.

Dr. Lovemonkey has always been rather reluctant to have himself videotaped in compromising situations, and if you would like to keep your love life private, I would suggest that you take this same conservative route.

The invention of the camcorder has made it a scary world out there. Just think about the unfortunate women who felt the call of nature and decided to use the rest rooms at Chuck Berry's amusement park in Missouri. Little did they know that Mr. Ding-a-ling had a hidden camera mounted in the ladies' room.

Dr. Lovemonkey considers the whole technological revolution a mixed blessing. For every Rodney King out there, I suspect there are a half-dozen women who just needed to use a bathroom in the general vicinity of Chuck Berry. There is, I believe, a lesson to be learned here. I just haven't figured out what it is yet.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

For many years, I was in an abusive marriage. When I finally got divorced, I pretty much stayed away from men for almost a year. When I finally started up a relationship with another man, it turned out that he was abusive as well. This mainly takes the form of verbal abuse, although, in my marriage, there was some physical abuse as well.

Now, I shy away from any relationships whatsoever, because I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. Not just that, but I am now very suspicious of all men and find myself pulling away from any potential relationships. I'm afraid that I'm starting to not like men.

The thing is that I'd really like to be in a relationship again, but I can't seem to get past these experiences and fear that it might be something in me that makes these men act the way they do. Please help me.

-- Shellshocked

Dear Shellshocked,

You sound like you have a good sense of yourself. It seems that you intellectually understand that all men are not abusive, but your own bad experiences have left you with suspicion and a tendency to back off. I would suggest that you seek some counseling for this.

One of the things that you will want to look into with a therapist is why you chose two men who were abusive. Maybe it was just bad luck or maybe there is a pattern here. Time and distance are helpful, but I believe that counseling to understand your own behavior would be the most beneficial thing for you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a woman for about six months now, and everything is going fine. The thing is that I have an attractive female roommate. We share a large apartment, and we don't have any kind of romantic relationship at all. What's weird to me is that my girlfriend is not jealous in the least. Is that normal?

I wonder if she really cares that much for me, because I would think that, if she did, she'd be at least a little bit uncomfortable about my living arrangement. Am I being paranoid about my relationship?

-- S.M.

Dear S.M.,

I don't know if you're paranoid, but the expectation that people should be jealous is, well, pretty stupid. Sounds like you're in a relationship with a healthy, intelligent, secure woman. Your notion that jealousy is somehow a sign of caring is what's wrong here.

Jealousy is a sign of insecurity, and the fact that your girlfriend doesn't play into her insecurity is great news. That you expect some sort of jealousy or misinterpret it as a sign of caring is bad news. I suspect that what you are worrying about comes under the heading of "transference."

You may be someone who has a tendency toward jealousy yourself -- and have justified it in your mind by believing that it is a sign of caring. It's not. Get these primitive notions about jealousy out of your system and consider yourself fortunate.

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