by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Oh what a tangled web I weave. I recently became involved with a guy we'll call "Amazing." I'd had a crush on Amazing since August and never thought that he would notice me. But I have never gotten along so well with another guy. We make jokes, watch movies and go to shows. We love the same music and books. We both like each other a lot, and I am still trying to get over the shock that he even noticed me.

So, what's the problem? For the last four years, I have kept in contact with a woman we'll call "Absolute Angel." We used to talk all the time on the phone and even dated for a while, although we have never met. For the last four years, we have tried to meet, but Absolute Angel lives in Washington state.

Two years ago, she told me that she loved me, and I admitted to having deep feelings for her, too. Indeed, I would be lying if I didn't say she means everything to me. This isn't an Internet romance type of deal, despite how it sounds. She was the pen pal of a friend, and we started writing to one another.

Well, last night she called to tell me she's moving over here to go to school. I fell silent on the phone and didn't have the heart to tell her that I was seeing Amazing, who makes me smile and melt when I think of him. Dr. Lovemonkey, I am the type of person who feels sick at the thought of hurting another. And the thought of hurting either of them leaves me nauseous. She isn't moving here until next year, but I have no idea what to do.

I want to tell Amazing, but I haven't been seeing him for all that long and I wonder if it's too early to talk about anything remotely serious. I don't know where things will be in a year with him, so should I bother to tell Absolute Angel? I feel that she should know, seeing that she's making the decision to move up here to be closer to me. Please help me. I'd rather hurt myself than either of them.

-- Spider Woman

Dear Spider Woman,

There are a few problem areas in your missive that Dr. Lovemonkey. First is the statement, "[We] even dated for a while, although we have never met." How does one date someone in this way? Dr. Lovemonkey's concept of dating is that the people in question spend time together in each other's company, which would seem impossible if you two have never met.

The other problem area is the assertion that "this isn't an Internet romance type of deal." If you have never met and have communicated by letter and phone, I can't see the difference between this and a relationship typically known as an Internet romance.

Initially, Dr. Lovemonkey also was confused about the gender issue in your letter, but I assume you are bisexual, meaning that you are open to romantic opportunities with either gender.

All that aside, the fact is that you will need to make a decision, and, undoubtedly, it will cause some pain. If, as you say, you have never met Absolute Angel, it probably would be a good idea to explain your relationship with Amazing to her.

She said that she was coming to your neck of the woods specifically to attend school. But presuming that her decision was also influenced by the fact that the school is close to where you live, you are obligated to tell her about Amazing. Assure her that you wish to remain friends, but what you don't want to do is lead anyone on, as this will only cause more stress, misunderstanding and guilt.

At some point, you will need to make a choice. And it would seem to Dr. Lovemonkey that you are already involved with Amazing in a tangible relationship, while your relationship with Absolute Angel is a bit more abstract. This is why I'd be more inclined to stay with Amazing.

But I can't tell you what is in your heart, Spider Woman. You'll need to evaluate that yourself. Since there is time before Absolute Angel moves into the neighborhood, I would not delay telling her that you are involved with someone.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with a man for more than a year now. We have a really strong relationship -- we spend a lot of time together, we have the same values and enjoy a lot of the same movies, books and other interests. The problem is that I am in my mid-30s and have never been married.

I want very much to marry and have children, but Larry has told me that he's not interested in starting a family. I think that his mind can be changed on this, but so far, that hasn't happened. It's not that he's seeing anyone else, it's just that when it comes to this issue, we are at loggerheads.

Should I just end this now, or should I hang in there? In every other way, we are completely compatible, and I do love him and he loves me.

-- Torn

Dear Torn,

There is no simple answer to your dilemma. Perhaps he will change his mind, perhaps he won't. Since it appears that you have a happy and fulfilling relationship in many ways, it might be best to establish a cut-off point for yourself.

Don't use this to pressure Larry -- just keep it to yourself. But if you are still at odds over the marriage and family issue within that time frame and it is that important to you, I would move on and search for someone who also wishes to establish a family.

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