by Rudy Cheeks

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We've been having a technical problem with Dr. Lovemonkey's e-mail off and on for a couple of months. This has been repaired now, but if you sent e-mail to the Doctor during that time and have not seen your letter in print, it could be because we didn't receive your transmission and we encourage you to try again. Thank you.

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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm 18 years old and a freshman in college, and I have not had a whole lot of experience in the world of dating. So I want to tell you this story and see what you think I should do.

I was fixed up on a blind date by a new friend of mine from school. The guy was cute but pretty casual, wearing a sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers when he came to pick me up. We went out to a movie and then got something to eat. So far, so good -- he was kind of funny and the date was going well.

So when he suggested that we go back to his apartment for a while, I agreed. After all, it didn't seem like he was going to attack me or anything. He was very laid back about everything. Well, when we got to his place and he opened the door, right there in front of us was his roommate, who was completely naked.

More upsetting, my date didn't seem the least bit surprised or upset about this, and neither was the roommate, who said "hi" and then casually waltzed back into his room. Overall, the place was pretty dirty. It looked like these guys hadn't cleaned since they moved in.

Although I was shocked and sort of freaking out, I didn't let on that I was, because neither of these guys thought that there was anything out of the ordinary about the roommate standing around naked in front of a total stranger -- a female total stranger at that. Anyway, since that happened a couple of weeks ago, this guy has called me a few times, wanting to know if I'd like to go out. I've made up a few excuses, but I think he'll continue to call until I set him straight. Obviously, I don't want to see this guy -- or his roommate, Mr. Naked -- again.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. How should I handle letting this guy know that I don't really want to see him again without hurting his feelings?

-- L.T.

Dear L.T.,

I wouldn't worry too much about hurting this guy's feelings. I would presume that they are buried somewhere in his apartment beneath a pile of unwashed clothes. As a result, he may have misunderstood when you didn't register a complaint immediately after his roomie, the X-rated Tarzan, sauntered through your field of vision. Or it could be that while you actually looked unnerved, neither of these guys was perceptive enough to notice.

The Casual Brothers appear to be living in a quasi-human world of their own design, where all the generally accepted rules of human interaction are suspended. You are right to not want to see this guy again. Being totally oblivious to the sensibilities of others is not exactly a sign of maturity, and my guess is that going out with this guy would lead to disaster.

Unfortunately, your blind date has not learned that it is not advantageous to mistake real life for a Cheech and Chong movie. Among friends, there is nothing terribly wrong with embarking on a lifestyle of roaming around on all-fours, foraging for nuts and berries and having sexual relations with varnished knot holes. But these guys have not reached even this highly evolved state yet.

If you really think this young man is salvageable, the next time he calls, mention that you are not comfortable around naked people you don't know. Then, see if he agrees that this is a fairly reasonable perspective. If his thought is that he is exhibiting a cool nonchalance (albeit, to an almost sociopathic level), then you should disabuse him of this notion quickly. If that's not the case, we must assume he is socially brain-dead.

Regardless, you are only 18, and Dr. Lovemonkey can assure you that yours was not a typical dating experience and that these are not typical young men. Keep your eyes open for guys who have not embraced the nudist lifestyle and are familiar with how to operate a vacuum cleaner. I can assure you, they're out there.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend gets very worked up right before every Powerball drawing. Usually, we sit around and talk about what we'd do with the winnings. And while I guess this is pretty typical, what's not is that he gets depressed for days when his number is not picked. Is there some way to get him to brighten up and not get so wrapped up in this?

-- Realistic Gambler

Dear Realistic,

I'll take it on faith that your boyfriend has heard of the concept of "mathematical probability." This informs one that the odds of winning the Powerball drawing are roughly equivalent to those of having a rhinoceros fall on your head while out for a stroll in mid-town Manhattan. Obviously, those odds improve if your stroll occurs in downtown Pawtucket, where reported bands of ragamuffins are armed with giant slingshots and a penchant for B&Es at the local zoo, but that's another story. (Actually, the local zoo in Pawtucket closed some years ago [although the public schools are still in operation], but I just couldn't control myself.)

What can you do about someone who gives himself over to a fantasy? "I've called Henry Kissinger's office 20 times now and he hasn't called back yet." The only thing I can suggest is to continually point out to him that life goes on and that there are plenty of things to do that don't require a pile of money. And, as soon as you remind him of this, it's always effective to rip off your clothes and seductively preen on the bed.

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