by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'd been engaged to be married for about six months when, virtually out of no where, my boyfriend called off the engagement. There is a long story behind this, but I won't bore you with the details, because what I'm writing about is very specific.

Some friends of mine have told me that it is appropriate now to give back the engagement ring. This is something that I really don't want to do. I would be interested in what you think about this.

Dear Anonymous,

The standard etiquette is that one returns the engagement ring if the engagement is called off. But, depending on the circumstances, Dr. Lovemonkey does not consider this ironclad.

Obviously, the ball is in your court, as it would be incredibly low-grade of your ex to demand the ring back. If he did, I'd immediately give it to him and wash my hands of the creep. I mean, what's he going to do -- give the same ring to his next girlfriend?

Although I'm aware of what is considered the standard etiquette in this matter, I believe that it emanates from a time when women were largely perceived as the property of the man. Since I assume that you were together for a substantial amount of time, I also assume that you gave each other a number of gifts. Are you both going to give them all back now? I don't think so.

Dr. Lovemonkey is inclined to see the engagement ring as another gift, given in that same spirit. I don't think that it's necessary to give it back. Of course, such advice flies in the face of the Emily Post school of etiquette, but that's the way I see it. I would be interested in hearing from those who strongly disagree with me, to see if there are better reasons to give the ring back. If you want to keep it, I suggest you do.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with a woman for only about two months now, and with Valentine's Day upon us, I've got a little problem about what to get her. The situation is that, although we've been together for a very brief time, I sense that she is far more interested in me than I am in her -- at this time.

I stress "at this time," because I would like to continue with this relationship and have some reason to believe that it could grow into something very good and very strong. Yet, I am still sorting my way through this thing, and I believe that she is much further along with her feelings toward me.

She has already hinted that she is getting me something very special for Valentine's Day, and I'm a little nervous about making the wrong move. Got any suggestions?

-- Hesitant

Dear Hesitant,

You certainly sound like a fellow who puts thought into gift-giving, and although I received your letter too late to include in the pre-Valentine's Day column, I have great faith that you "did the right thing." For future reference, let me just say that people do detect messages in the gifts they receive, so while you'd want to give her the sense that you care, you wouldn't want to overdo it.

Something personal but modest would be appropriate. A nice romantic dinner and a small gift (a book by an author you know she likes or perfume you know she uses) would seem like good ideas. A card that stresses humor rather than passion also would be a better way to go.

The thing you wouldn't want to do is get sucked into some sort of competitive realm in which you'd feel it necessary to outdo her gift. This is especially true when you sense an imbalance in your respective feelings for each other. It would send her the message that you are as far along in this as she is and that is what you are trying not to do.

There is always some sort of imbalance of passion in relationships, but I certainly hope that you either heat up or she cools down enough to get in sync. You have my best wishes that this relationship blossoms.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend has always wanted to be in a rock 'n' roll band, and now it appears that she and a bunch of her friends have actually put one together and are seeking to play in clubs. I don't like this. I've been in plenty of clubs over the years, and I know what goes on.

The thought of a bunch of lecherous guys ogling her is pretty revolting. And I'm sure that guys in the audience will be coming on to her, since she is definitely good-looking. How can I present the facts of life to her and get her to forget about it?

-- Not Jealous, Just Concerned

Dear Not Jealous,

Give me a break with this! Males have been doing the same thing for decades, and I've rarely heard of one who gave up his desire to perform in front of an audience because his girlfriend or wife was concerned about the women in the audience who were ogling him.

I suspect that there is jealousy involved here. If your relationship is solid, there is no reason to worry about the "lecherous guys" in the audience. If she's an attractive woman, she doesn't need to join a band to get laid. And if that's what she is interested in, you won't stop her.

If your relationship is good, then you should be pleased that she's pursuing something she's always wanted to do. Could it be that she really loves the music and just likes to perform? Your attitude about this is not good -- and probably sexist. You ought to get behind her decision to play with a band and support her effort.

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