by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I play in a local band and find I am attracted to a woman I frequently see at our gigs. Over the past few months I've talked to her many times. She's smart, funny and very sweet. So what's the problem? She's not good-looking. I mean, she dresses OK and has a nice smile, but she wears glasses and is overweight.

Appearances aren't important to me like they were a few years ago, but I still have a reputation to protect. I don't want to catch shit from the other guys for dating this woman when there are plenty of beautiful girls out there who are willing to do anything to date a guy in a band. On the other hand, I could be missing out on someone special. I'm in my late 30s and feeling like I might be ready to settle down.

--Undecided

Dear Undecided,

Go for it. Your friends' standards of beauty are just that, someone else's standards. Dr. Lovemonkey himself has a deep attraction to women with overbites. I also like glasses. Why this is, I do not know, but it certainly is not, to my knowledge, one of those things that seems to be inflaming the rest of the population. The reputation you should be trying to uphold is that of a good, kind and loving person. The reputation of stud and swordsman leads nowhere. Trust your instincts on this and not your friends and fellow bandmates.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a man for almost six months, and I'm very much in love with him. A month ago, he was the one that broke the "I love you" silence. I was avoiding saying it until he felt comfortable enough to deal with it, and then he popped it out of the blue.

Enter problem: as of two days ago, he is the only one of his friends who isn't married, engaged, or as good as. Since he found out that his buddy was going to propose to his girlfriend, we've had heart-to-heart after heart-to-heart . . . at his prompting.

He insists that he does love me, but he was burned extremely badly in his last serious relationship. He keeps saying that he's scared of falling in love and exposing himself to that kind of hurt again. He says that at his age and position in life (he's 29, nine years older than I am) he couldn't afford another heartbreak.

I'm willing to give him whatever time he needs to come to terms with his feelings for me. But this morning he rolled over, put his arms around me and said, "Honey, this is purely hypothetical, but if I started sleeping with other women, do you think you'd want to know or not?" I'm a levelheaded person, but I almost lost it. Is this just a manifestation of the realization that the people around him are getting their lives pulled together and he hasn't done this yet, or am I getting taken for a ride? Like I said before, I love him, but I'm not sure I'm willing to sacrifice my own mental/emotional health for his. I can't be the sad wife at home while hubby's out carousing . . . in fact, I don't want to even be the sad girlfriend. Is this worth my time? Am I setting myself up for a fall, or do I need to continue to be the support I am right now?

--L.C.

Dear L.C.,

Sounds to me like he's confused. Next time you have one of your "heart-to-hearts," tell him that you thought that your relationship was special, intimate and exclusive. You are there for him and, if this is to work, he must be there for you. It is not unusual for someone to have been burned in a past love affair. But he's got to get past that if he really wishes to reap the rewards of an intimate and lasting relationship. This doesn't happen without vulnerability to the things he fears.

What you are offering him is an opportunity to build a strong relationship. The fact that he would actually introduce the idea of going with other women indicates that he is already thinking about it, if not planning for it. He's unwilling to commit himself to you and I would lay it on the line with him that, while you wish to take it slow, there is a commitment here that you desire. If he's not willing to be exclusively with you, then he's not ready and you should move on. His floating the idea of seeing other women is a definite red flag and you should let him know, in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable to you.

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