by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Well I've been liking this guy for about a year now and I know he knows, but he said the only way he'd go out with me is if I gave him head!! But I'm 14 and he's 17. What should I do?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

Time for a history lesson. Remember that bygone era I like to call "1998?" If you were following that year in the newspapers or happened to catch a few minutes of it on television, you may have noticed this news story from Washington, D.C. While not exactly paralleling your situation, the story centered around another younger female who had been "liking" an older guy and decided that the way to proceed with the "relationship" was to fasten her lips around his one-eyed trouser snake. My recollection is that things did not work out too well in the romance department for this younger woman.

Of course, the fact that the "older guy" was married and the President of the United States did complicate matters somewhat. On the "up" side, young Monica did become an international celebrity, got invited to parties thrown by Vanity Fair, and stands to make some rather large piles of money in the always lucrative suck-and-tell industry.

My suspicion, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that the "older man" (i.e. the 17-year-old boy) in your story does not possess quite the celebrity cachet of a US President. This would be a mitigating factor in any perceived "up" side to fellating said boy. In other words, if you blow this guy, major publishing contracts and partying with Leonardo DiCaprio or, more realistically, Anthony Haden-Guest, do not necessarily follow. You get the stained blue dress, a trunk-load of regret for being stupid and precious little else.

Any 17-year-old guy trying to coerce a 14-year-old girl into performing fellatio on him is a user. Nothing good can come from this, so here is what you should do: see this guy for the manipulative, selfish and abusive person that he is and realize that you are more than just an instrument for his momentary gratification. Maybe you like him because he's "cute," but he's also an asshole and you should just wipe him out of your mind.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a very attractive woman in my early 30s. Many men approach me and want to take me out. My problem is that all the men I've been choosing are not ready for a real relationship. In the past year, I have taken to being very upfront and telling men that I am looking for a monogamous relationship. Some are honest enough to say they are not ready, and that is fine. Others tell me they want the same things as I do, but after a short time, start claiming work or whatever keeps them from calling or seeing me.

I caught the last guy out with another woman (there was no question it was a date), and immediately ended it. What on earth am I doing wrong? What should I do to ensure my next choice will be better?

-- My Own Worst Enemy

Dear My own worst enemy,

It's hard to say if you're doing anything "wrong" or if you've just had a recent run of bad luck. You might want to ask yourself how actively you've been involved in the selection process of the men you've been going out with. Maybe you should be more assertive in the process and not wait for men to approach you.

There are also people who seem to gravitate towards fun-loving, irresponsible types. Sometimes it appears that you're presented with either cool-seeming guys or men who appear a little insecure. "Insecure" is definitely not attractive and it is natural to find the cool guys more interesting. Sometimes the cool guys are able to exude an "I don't give a shit" attitude because, in fact, they don't give a shit. My only advice would be to be a bit more circumspect in deciding what guys to go out with. Give things a little more time and get beyond the first impression stage. There are some worthwhile guys out there who initially seem like incredible nerds.

Take Dr. Lovemonkey, for instance. Besides the fact that Dr. Lovemonkey is old, bald and not particularly good-looking, he gives a first impression that is frequently described as "self-absorbed." But Dr. Lovemonkey has incredible depth and wisdom and is exceedingly loyal and entertaining. This can only be realized after a woman has decided to throw caution -- and all her preconceived notions about youth and beauty -- out the window and consent to a roll in the hay with Dr. Lovemonkey. You would be surprised at how many incredibly attractive women have blown the opportunity of spending a few precious hours with Dr. Lovemonkey because of their narrow notions of what constitutes a great guy.

Whoops, Dr. Lovemonkey has apparently lost it. Pay no attention to that last, self-serving paragraph. But I would suggest that you think about what it is that you find attractive in men and see if those qualities have more to do with immediate excitement rather than endurance. Depth and values should count big time. There could be something to this or it could be that you've just had a run of bad luck.

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