by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am in a quandary. I met the most beautiful women the other day and asked her to have a cup of coffee. I was naturally quite nervous, so I don't think I came off so well. I also happen to be married, and she knows this. She was not sure it would be a good idea, but did not outright say no, and asked my name after I gave her my number. Although I am attracted to her, I don't want to have an affair. That is not fair to anyone. I know I need to decide what I want, but I am afraid I might lose contact with this woman before that. Help. What do I do?

-- Seamus

Dear Seamus,

You're playing with fire. You say that you don't want to have an affair, but you're setting yourself up for one. At present, however, you haven't done anything wrong, behavior-wise. Your worrying about keeping your options open with this woman belies your statement that you don't want to get involved with her. Fortunately, this woman has already revealed good judgment by indicating that she is leery about merely having a cup of coffee with you. She knows that you're married, and seems to also know what is going on in the reptilian reaches of your mind.

What you do is nothing. She has your phone number. If she calls for the cup of coffee, you could go and tell her that, although you find her very intriguing and attractive, you are married. However, I don't think that this is what you are likely to do.

The problem is that, while your better, more thoughtful self is telling you not to get involved, your loins are telling you something different. You're trying to listen to both at the same time even though you consciously realize that listening to Little Elvis will get you in trouble. The more you listen to Little Elvis, the greater the likelihood of trouble. Even if you don't consciously pursue an affair with this woman, you will have to deal with the guilt of continuing with the idea, an idea that you know you shouldn't be toying with. Do the right thing and fuggetaboutit.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I are always fighting about something. We have only been together eight months. We talk marriage but can never seem to stay happy for more than three days at a time. I am only 21. Please help.

-- Miss X

Dear Miss X,

Sounds like the talk of marriage is a little premature. Couples will fight about things, but you have to gauge the quality of the fights. For some people, it is in their nature to be naturally combative. They enjoy arguing and, if there are boundaries, the whole experience can sometimes be exhilarating. The frequency of your fights and the fact that you are concerned, however, indicates to Dr. Lovemonkey that you aren't enjoying this level of agitation.

Number one, of course, is the issue of physical abusiveness. If there is a physical element to these fights, this is serious and you should immediately break off with this guy. If it is all verbal, then you have to ask yourself about the type of arguing. What are the fights about? Is he as upset about the fighting as you are? Are the fights about differing points of view on certain issues, or are they of a very personal nature? Is what you say to each other abusive? If they are of a personal and abusive nature, then we have some deeper problems here.

If you truly care for and are committed to this relationship and each other, I would suggest you look into joint counseling. This might shed some light on why you're fighting so frequently. It could be a bad habit that one or the both of you have relied on for years. There will always be conflicts in your life, but fighting is usually one of the worst methods of conflict resolution. There are other, better ways to mediate different points of view, and counseling is a good way to learn about these techniques.

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