by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I just started seeing this guy and,unfortunately, we started having sex right from the get go. Now, after six dates where he couldn't take his hands off me, suddenly he's giving me the cold shoulder. Should I just write him off as too much, too fast, or is there anything I can say to him to rekindle his interest?

--Trishyknishy

Dear Trishyknishy,

After your experience, why would you want to "rekindle his interest?" Your instincts seem to be telling you that it was a mistake to commence playing "hide the salami" minutes after making this guy's acquaintance and your instincts are right. Starting out in wham-bam-one-night-stand mode frequently ends up this way. Chances are that this guy has now decided to move on to his next conquest.

When you let your loins lead in a relationship, there is always the strong likelihood that loins will continue to lead in just the scenario you have described. Trying to back-pedal and create some balance after starting out in the sack is difficult indeed. So, chalk this one up to experience and realize that, if you are in search of a relationship that will be about more than just sex, it's best to move slowly and surely, getting to know each other. That there was mutual attraction was obvious from the beginning, so the real question is, "what else is there?" Developing the friendship and intimacy will also make the sex more rewarding and meaningful.

There is also something incredibly erotic about a slow dance that delays ultimate sexual gratification Women tend to be much more cognizant of the power of this type of foreplay than men. Sometimes you have to teach men the merit of holding off and, during this process, you get to know each other better and actually appreciate the sexual act even more. Guys who are merely interested in sex won't stick around if it's not quickly forthcoming. If you are looking for a relationship of some depth and meaning, it makes sense in every way to refrain from immediate sexual gratification.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I do not have trouble talking to other people once there's an established context for our conversation. I am not good, however, at creating those contexts on my own. This is a problem,because as a testosterone-driven college guy, I suffer from chronic attacks of severe infatuation. As I sit typing this letter to you, I'm casting more than a few surreptitious glances at a fellow sitting at a computer just ahead of me and a little to my left. I've scoped this fellow out more than once, but I've had an extraordinarily hard time trying to think of a reason to start a conversation with him. The problem is that there's absolutely no context to start from. I've had the same problem recently in a local bakery that I visit frequently. This one waitress behind the counter always attracts my attention -- but I have no idea how to say, "God, You're gorgeous!" without sounding just a bit sorry-assed. Can you recommend any strategies for approaching total strangers? I'm sick of being infatuated from afar. Sincerely,

-- Sick

Dear Sick,

Everyone has their own style when it comes to formulating conversations out of whole cloth. As you already seem to have intuited, rushing up to someone and declaring, "God, you're gorgeous," is generally bad form. One reason why this is true is that such an approach is usually a dead end. I mean, how does one respond to such a declaration? It also has the ring of the primitive come-on to it.

If one wishes to master the art of oblique small talk, one must be observant of oblique and small things. Let's say you're in the library, ogling that fellow at the nearby computer, and he's wearing something unique, like a "Wendell Wilkie for President" button? This would be the signal to rush off to the stacks and bone up on the Barefoot Boy from Wall Street, so that you can later bone up on the object of your affection.

Assuming that the waitress you have glimpsed is in the process of serving something to eat or drink to you or someone else, you could spark up a conversation having to do with the wide world of food and beverage. Obviously a stereotypical lounge lizard come-on like, "I'd like to have a Sex on the Beach" (a cocktail name apparently dreamed up for just such low-grade encounters) would be strictly taboo. Dr. Lovemonkey is thinking more about something along the lines of, "Did you know that the Aleutians consider meatloaf a sacrament, to be consumed only with a 12-ounce Diet Rite Cola?"

Blurting out something as transparently desultory (and stupid) as this may indicate to the waitress that you are a fun-loving kind of a guy. Likewise, it may also indicate to her that you are a moron, but these are the risks one must take in attempting to subtly hit on another individual.

Take heart, however. Judging from your letter, Dr. Lovemonkey ascertains that you are bi-sexual (the "fellow" and the "waitress"). This means that you are open to potential romance with the vast sea of humanity and are not limited to a single gender.

A Note from Dr. Lovemonkey:

In last week's column, Dr. Lonely, a dentist, wondered whether or not it was appropriate to date a client. While I said that it seemed fine to me, considering Dr. L. is not a doctor, psychiatrist, or psychologist, I neglected to address the fact that, as a dentist, you are able to prescribe drugs. This could put you in a compromising situation. I still think that it is okay to date this woman, but if you start seeing her, it may be wise to refer her to another dentist.

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