by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I feel that I have a small penis. I am 5-foot-10 and well-built, but my penis is only 5¹/₂ inches. Is this below average? Please help. Thanks.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I'm assuming that the penis length that you are referring to is your member in erect state, for 51/2 inches flaccid is a fairly gigantic lizard, and your problem would then be trying to stop potential sexual partners from running away while screaming in horror.

Let me assure you that your penis is within the average dimensions. Dr. Lovemonkey certainly understands the schlong concerns of the male of the species, but a few things do come to mind after reading your letter. First of all, your knowledge of the exact length of your penis indicates to me that you have taken the trouble to measure it when aroused. Dr. Lovemonkey would be very interested in knowing what you used to measure it with (this merely for educational purposes). The other thought that comes to mind is, what you were planning to do if told that your member was woefully small?

There are certainly people out there who are only interested in very large penises, just as there are people who are partisans of very large breasts. Neither have much to do with sexual satisfaction, but with some sort of rigid (if you'll pardon the word) sexual aesthetic. This, I can tell you, is not the majority. Women and men all come in different sizes and shapes, and I'm sure that there are people out there who will find your penis just fine. More to the point, you should realize that your penis is just fine and not worry about it any further.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 19-year-old male and share an apartment with another 19-year-old male. We have been friends for a couple of years and, although he's a really good guy and everything, he has one habit that drives me crazy. I have a very close female friend (not my girlfriend) who visits quite often. When she visits, my roommate frequently will hang out in full view of her in his Jockey short underwear.

When I mentioned to him that this was not really acceptable, he pretty much waved it off by saying that he felt like Julie was practically a part of the household, and that he just felt very comfortable around her. He also claims that being in your underwear is not much different than wearing a bathing suit. Am I being too tight-assed about this?

-- Mortified

Dear Mortified,

I would check with Julie on how she feels about your roommate's casual attire. But, in general, I agree with you that this is inappropriate. While technically there may be little difference between, say, a white Speedo bathing suit and cotton Jockey shorts, clothing has a number of functions, and one of them is as a signifier of respect. The problem with appearing in front of visitors to your home in your underwear is that it signals a lack of respect. In other words, "you are not important enough to put clothing on for."

Obviously, there has been a great deal of breakdown in this notion that clothing indicates respect. It used to be, when Dr. Lovemonkey was growing up, that no one would ever think of entering a church or synagogue wearing anything less than a jacket and tie or a dress or a somewhat formal skirt and blouse. Most women would also wear hats.

While there is something to be said for a more casual attitude toward dress, Dr. Lovemonkey is one who believes in a certain measure of decorum. For instance, if you were going to see your lawyer at his or her office, you would not expect to see your attorney in pajamas, despite the fact that a good set of pajamas functions quite well in terms of covering up one's private parts. Likewise, when attending the opera, one does not usually appear in rugby shirt, lederhosen and flip-flops.

Granted, lounging around the house is generally a more casual scene, but, from my perspective, Jockey shorts do not quite make the grade.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

This is one of those etiquette questions. A friend and I have been arguing about the appropriateness of inquiring about the whereabouts, health and welfare of a former boyfriend or girlfriend. I say that it's inappropriate and my friend says that it's perfectly okay, because everyone was friends at one time, even if relations are currently at a distance or strained. What do you think?

-- Ms. Wager

Dear Ms. Wager,

Dr. Lovemonkey's advice is to not go there. Find out this information elsewhere. Knowing that a couple has broken up does not necessarily inform you on what terms they have parted. You might bring up painful memories, and you might also end up on the receiving end of a tirade that is not only likely to be a highly inaccurate and unbalanced account of the former spouse or lover's situation, but will include far more than you ever wanted to know.

I frequently run into people that I haven't seen in some time, and I have found that, even then, it is not always a good idea to inquire about a supposed domestic partner. That's because your assumption that they are still together may not be correct. I once ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while who was married to an even older friend. When I asked how "Bill" was doing, I got it with both barrels. Unbeknownst to me, the couple was going through a bitter separation (there was a child involved) ,and I was not only sorry that I had brought up such a painful subject, but I felt great embarrassment and shame as well. If the other person wants to bring this up, it's okay, but it's a very bad idea to introduce the subject of a former love.

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