by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been seeing someone for the last nine months, and for the past 3 months I have been unhappy with our sex life, or lack thereof. He has no desire to have sex, and if he does it seems to be one-sided. I have addressed this problem with him, and he knows the situation is serious and claims he will make an effort -- but still no effort has been made -- and it's a waste because he is hung like a horse! Do I have any other options before ending this? Sincerely,

-- Sexless

Dear Sexless,

Well, there is always the option of sex with an actual horse, but if you choose this route, try to keep it quiet with the ASPCA, as I assume that there are laws against such things. If, however, your attachment to this man has to do with more than the sum of his parts, the most reasonable direction is to pursue some (if you'll pardon the expression), joint counseling. If he is uninterested in sexually pleasing you, it could be that he's just a self-centered type or lost interest in you, and ridding yourself of him, equine-like member and all, would be prudent. If he is uninterested in sex in general, there is probably something else going on here, and counseling is at least an opportunity to find out what that is.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm happily married, but my husband works at night. For a long time, I have enjoyed going to singles bars for a night out --something my husband fully approves of and, as far as our relationship is concerned, there is no problem. The reason I like to do this is that I like to dance.

My problem is that, too often, guys ask me to dance and then they either hit on me or, in other ways, get a little too close for comfort. I don't want to constantly be explaining that I'm married to these people. Is there any solution to this annoying problem?

-- Taken

Dear Taken,

The solution would be to seek out dancing in places other than singles bars. They are called singles bars because they are places where singles go to seek out other singles. This is basically their turf, and they are just behaving in the classic way people at singles bars act. If part of the attraction of singles bars for you is because you enjoy the opportunity to flirt a bit, you should know that flirting in this setting generally gets the results you've been getting. If, however, it is really the dancing that you desire, join one of the many clubs or groups that meet strictly for that purpose. That way your common bond will be dancing and not finding dates, which is the primary activity of singles bars.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I believe within the next year or summer I will be very wealthy. I have been successful with a single record which has been recorded by a recording company from LA. I also own more than one business.

I am looking for a girl who is very pretty. I like blondes with blue eyes who are honest and someday would want to travel with me. I am 37 years old. I am experienced in the art of making love in two ways; love between a man and a woman, and I also know the secrets of lovemaking with another.

I know that I can make any woman happy. In tomorrow's world, it's not going to be based on how high your IQ is, but on how nice you really are. If any girls wish to write to me, I would be happy to hear from them, and I hope that God will bless them. They can call me Louie.

-- Taken

Dear Luis,

I fear that you have me confused with either the personals or the heretofore unknown "Dr. Pimpmonkey." Although I shall refrain from commenting on some of your more interesting statements, I must say that your notion that "tomorrow's world" will not be based on IQ levels is undoubtedly accurate, if not already an established fact. I used to write a column called "That Proves It" and I believe that your contention that intelligence quotients are passe, coupled with your missive in its entirety, certainly fits the bill.

I have duly recorded your address and, if there are any honest blue-eyed blondes out there who would like to go on excursions with the soon-to-be-wealthy Louie, you can obtain his address by contacting Dr. Lovemonkey.

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