by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm about to have a first date with a guy and, as the time approaches, I'm starting to get cold feet. The fact is I'm starting to hear things about this guy that are a little unsettling. A mutual friend told me recently that when he was with this person, he regaled my friend with anti-Semitic jokes. I would not consider this amusing. I believe what I heard to be true because I checked with another person who knows this guy, and she said that he did have "a problem" in this area. Would it be wrong to call off the date, and what reason would I use?

-- Anxious

Dear Anxious,

Calling off the date at the last minute would be rude, but if there's still time, say five days or more, then I'd call the guy up and cancel. You don't need much of an excuse. Just say you've rethought the idea, and you've decided that you're not really up for going out with him.

If it's only a day or two before the date, the best course would be to steel up your courage and go. If, right off the bat, he shows clear signs of anti-Semitic ugliness, I would tell him that you find his comments despicable and you really would like to go home. When faced with people who engage in such blatantly offensive behavior, you should let them know just where you stand -- that you find such comments to be offensive and disturbing.

Of course, he might not get into this with you. You obviously believe your friends' reports to be true (there would be no reason not to) and if anything else off-putting crops up during the evening, it would be smart to just say, "Look, I don't think that we match up very well. This is not something that I think is going to work out," and cut the evening short. If everything turns out to be okay, remember you're not obligated to go out with this guy again just to wait for the ugliness to surface. Sometimes people who hold offensive and hateful opinions are capable of keeping them in check for an evening, but they will crop up, and you don't want to be there when they do. Bite the bullet once, if you must, but you don't have to bite it again.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

You're not going to believe this one. I was visiting with friends of mine about a week ago and they were showing me photographs of their recent vacation at the seashore. The photos included a lot of other couples who they met while on vacation. Well, a few of the pictures featured a happy couple that they befriended. The guy was someone I work with and the woman with him was not his wife, but another co-worker who is not married! There had been some speculation that they were engaged in an office romance, but no actual evidence had ever surfaced. I didn't want to believe that this was the case, and so I tried to avoid the gossip and, until this, I paid it no mind. Both of these people are friends of mine, and I was shocked and angry at this man's betrayal of his wife (who I am also friendly with).

I held my tongue and didn't say anything when I saw the photographs, but I'm wondering what, if anything to do about this. Should I tell my friends about my co-workers and the apparent soap opera they're engaged in? Should I confront my co-workers? Should I keep my mouth shut?

-- Thoroughly Disgusted

Dear Thoroughly Disgusted,

As far as the friends who showed you the photographs are concerned, they are blissfully ignorant and there is no reason for them to be otherwise. There's no need for them to know about the truth of the "lovely couple" they met on vacation.

Your office friends, however, are another story. You were wise and correct not to engage in the office speculations up to this point. To blurt "the evidence" out to the office at this stage would also play into what you were trying to avoid, so I wouldn't do that. But, you might mention to the guy from your office that you were surprised to discover that he's in the habit of going on vacation with someone other than his wife. This will serve notice to him that his little side romance is known to others and may likely soon be known to his wife as well. It might just prod him into ending his dishonesty. That could mean dropping the office romance and reconnecting with his wife, or if the marriage is truly broken, dealing with that in a forthright manner. Who's to know what it will mean?

Maybe the deceit will end if you bring to the attention of your co-worker the fact that you have knowledge of his bad behavior. You can't control what he will do. But, by subtly implying that you know what is going on, you just might bring him to his senses.

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