by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have just broken up for the third time with the same woman. There were several reasons for our demise: differing goals in life (hers: travel, living abroad; mine: settling down, possibly starting a family), a considerable age difference (13 years), and her unwillingness to commit to our relationship.

Whatever the case may be, we will find ourselves on the same school campus next summer, with the same cast of characters who have watched the melodrama of our on-again, off-again relationship over the past two summers. How can I face her and my fellow classmates with a certain degree of dignity? I'm almost 40 years old, and feel a bit foolish at the moment.

-- Lovelorn

Dear Lovelorn,

We all have our insecurities and nothing brings them to the surface more immediately than the end of a romantic relationship. It is only natural that you feel vulnerable, but you must not allow these feelings to overwhelm you. Be assured that the end of a relationship does not rob either of the partners of their dignity.

Sure, there are always some people who like to gossip and speculate about things that are none of their business. But, as far as your friends and close acquaintances are concerned, continued friendship and support should be assumed. Most of the people you know have probably experienced break-ups of their own, and common sense should tell them that these things happen to most everyone. The fact that the age difference may have been an issue to you does not necessarily mean that it was an issue to anyone else.

Whatever embarrassment you may feel is the result of believing that everything in life should run smoothly. This is not the case with human beings. Sometimes we make mistakes; sometimes things don't work out; sometimes people change their minds. Nothing you have said indicates that anything transpired that should make either of you feel foolish or undignified. Life goes on.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am an attractive 23-year-old girl who has been virtually single since I was raped three years ago. I have been dating a 23-year old boy for five months now.When I met him, he was a virgin, and we have a good relationship.I am worried about a lot of things, though -- such as I think that I can only be with inexperienced men since the rape. Right now,the sex is pretty bad, and I am confused about what to do.I feel like I can do a lot better (my boyfriend is awkward and very immature). But then I feel that I have to stay with him, because he was a virgin and will always like me, and not realize that I have flaws that other women do not have.

-- K.M.

Dear K.M.,

Rape is a horrendous violation and something that has profound emotional and spiritual implications for the victim. I assume that you received therapy/counseling after you were raped. If you have not continued with some sort of help, I urge you to return to a regular therapeutic regimen. The after-effects of such a traumatic experience are usually long lasting.

My assumption that you are not currently receiving some sort of appropriate treatment is based on your troubling statement that, "I feel I have to stay with him, because he was a virgin and he will always like me," and, "I have flaws that other women do not have." You were the victim of a terrible crime. Ongoing counseling would help you in combating the false notion that you are somehow flawed. If I am robbed on the street, it does not have to do with flaws of mine; it has to do with the fact that I was unlucky enough that an evil, desperate person attacked me. This is simple and obvious logic, yet victims of street crime frequently feel emotionally devastated for a good long time. Sexual violation is a far more complex emotional devastation -- one of the most horrible a person can experience. You seem to be assigning some blame to yourself and, while that is not unusual for a victim of sexual assault, it is also not right. I don't understand your thinking when you say that, because the person you are dating started in the relationship as a virgin, he will always like you.

It would seem that these thoughts are related to the crime committed against you. Dr. Lovemonkey is not a counselor or psychologist, and is not equipped to deal with such heavy issues. Please speak to real professionals about this and get some help. Your belief that you can only be with inexperienced men is a notion that emerged from, and is shaped by, the trauma you have experienced. I think that, with help, you can get through this and overcome such self-limiting restrictions.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Hi, I was wondering what the average white 15-year-old male's penis length is? I love your site. Thanks so much for your time. Sincerely,

-- Bobby Midnight

Dear Bobby Midnight,

We have dealt with this male dick-size obsession on a number of occasions here, and I have decided to place a moratorium on answering such queries. Remembering my own foolish concerns at age 15, suffice to say that the correct answer is "not big enough."

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