by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 58-year-old who really has the smoking fetish to an extreme. I used to smoke but gave it up nine years ago after I went to the hospital with a terrible foot infection. I was an extremely heavy smoker, but I knew it was horrible for my health, so I quit. To this day I am so happy I enjoyed all those years as a heavy smoker. I really carried it to an extreme, even using fancy cigarette holders. I must say females were attracted to me. I find it just incredibly adorable and appealing to see a nicely dressed sweet wholesome, family-oriented young lady who is an accomplished heavy smoker. Unfortunately, this is rare today in America, but was so much fun to observe when it was common in the '50s and '60s.

One of the happiest times I ever had was back in l971, when I was visiting an old farmhouse up in Vermont where you could stay for ski vacations. This place was cheap and really homey. While I was there, a group of chaperoned girls from the Masters Unfortunately School (an elite private girls' school in New York state) arrived. They were all 15 or 16 years old and very, very nice polite young ladies -- but guess what -- they were all smokers. A couple of them were really heavy smokers and seemed incredibly passionate in their love of cigarettes. I remember the closed-up little room became so smoky -- it was just so neat. None of these girls seemed guilty or made any excuses for their smoking.

-- A Robert T.

Dear Robert,

Thank you for sharing your heavy smoking memories with all our readers. Dr. Lovemonkey has observed that here are still quite a number of women who smoke. You need not even retreat to Vermont farmhouses to search for them. You can find them huddled outside office buildings in all kinds of weather, puffing away. Some may even be polite and/or graduates of elite private girls' schools. Hopefully, your fetish does not extend to looking for those 15- and 16-year-olds of your youth. That is something called "pedophilia," and Dr. Lovemonkey, along with the rest of mainstream society, does not approve. Provided you are looking for someone in a reasonable age range, you shouldn't have too much of a problem sparking up a romance with a smoking woman. It is my fervent desire that your foot infection doesn't flare again when you finally make contact.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've recently been introduced to a guy, "Todd." We attend the same college, and he lives across the street from me. I find Todd very attractive, fun, sincere, and generally likable. I am attracted to him in every way. Through a number of coincidences in my favor, I've come to find out that Todd is looking for a relationship, as am I. The things that we are looking for are so similar that it's really unbelievable. Todd, being a transfer student, feels that our campus is frigid and he's having a hard time meeting people. How do I let him know, without being too forward, that I'm looking for the same things as he and that I'd gladly be the one to help him warm this campus up?

-- Playing the Same Game

Dear Playing,

Perhaps one of those "coincidences" is also a friend of Todd's. You could probably wrangle another introduction or maybe even arrange to bump into Todd "by accident" through this "coincidence" and strike up another conversation. If you have already been able to determine that you share a number of similarities, you could probably find out what types of activities he enjoys. Suggest that you engage in one of those activities together. None of this should be too painful or difficult.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am having the hugest crush on this guy, and he flirts with me a lot. I've asked him out several times, but all he said was he'd think about it. We talk on the phone a lot, and we seem to have a lot in common. However, he still doesn't like me. I am not the most beautiful girl in the class, but I do not think he judges beauty. I feel like something is missing in my life, and I think that thing is him. Will you help me get his attention? I want to be more than friends! Please help!

-- Lovesick

Dear Lovesick,

If you've already suggested that you go out together, you've pretty much done all you can do for the moment. It could be that he's just a pathological flirt and is not seriously interested in sparking up a romance with you. Everyone "judges beauty" to some extent. Some people are more enlightened than others and experience beauty as more than a skin-deep phenomenon. It could be that this guy is an enlightened sort, but does not see you as a potential romantic mate. It could also be that he's very slow moving on this type of thing.

You could always drop your knickers, but Dr. Lovemonkey wouldn't suggest such a desperate act. It almost always leads to disappointment, if not disaster. You have been made yourself available by talking on the phone, asking him out and being open with your feelings. If he hasn't gotten the hint by now, he either isn't interested or isn't ready. Sorry, but there are no surefire ways to build a fire under someone who just isn't there.

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