by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have worked for many years as a waitress. I'm expected when first encountering a table of diners to say, "Hi, my name is Gail and I'll be your waitress this evening." For some reason, a number of male customers take this as an invitation to flirt, ask me out on dates or otherwise get uncomfortably personal. I always feel a little embarrassed and annoyed at this behavior, yet I'm not sure what to do about it. Is this something that should necessarily come with the territory? I don't think so, but I can't think of any way to avoid it. Got any suggestions?

-- Gail

Dear Gail,

Unfortunately for people who have an old-fashioned sense of decorum, there continues to be a great confusion in America about the difference between a formal relationship and a casual one. This manifests in a variety of ways, such as people arriving for religious services attired in tank tops, Bermuda shorts and sandals. Although some people believe that everything is casual, the relationship between a food server and a customer is, in fact, a business relationship. The customer is there to buy and consume food, while the waiter or waitress is assigned to serving if forth. Many restaurant employers, wanting to put their customers at ease, instruct their employees to proffer a casual introduction. This, however, can become a mixed message of sorts, and diners with troglodyte tendencies often react in the manner you've described. Perhaps you could encourage your employers to let you introduce yourself a bit more formally as "Ms. Doe," saying something along the lines of, "Good evening, I'm Ms. Doe. I'll be your waitress and if there's anything you need, please let me know."

While this bit of nuance is certainly not a fail-safe solution to the problem, it may create a little bit of social distance. Sad to say, there's little you can do about the epidemic of casualness that has infected the culture except to act as formal and businesslike as you can under the circumstances.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I know that this letter will not reach you in time to help with this year, but I am always flummoxed over what to buy a new girlfriend for Christmas. This has also cropped up a few times in the past. I've only been seeing this woman for a short time, so I think that something like jewelry is a bit too intimate for the current status of our relationship. I've been thinking about a book or one of those CD boxed sets. Either of these would seem to be good gifts, but I'm not really sure about her tastes. Do you think that books or CDs are good ideas as gifts and, if so, what would be a good one?

-- Puzzled at Christmas

Dear Puzzled,

Dr. Lovemonkey is not Nostradamus and can certainly not summon up your girlfriend's tastes better than you can. And, although I am also big on giving books and CDs as gifts, the thing that one must remember is that these presents always carry subtle messages. For instance, if you were to buy your girlfriend a Marvin Gaye collection with some of his latter-day hits like "Let's Get it On" and "Sexual Healing," it would be an obvious hint that you are hoping to engage in a bit of grappling on the couch wherein clothing will be removed.

Now, let's say you were to present her with a boxed set of the best of Molly Hatchet (presuming that there is such a thing as "the best" of Molly Hatchet). This would signal that you are genuine white trash, and, if this relationship is to continue, she can expect to eventually move to a trailer park with you, your unwashed mixed breed dog and frayed toothbrush sometime in the not-too-distant future.

Books are a good bet because it would imply that you know how to read and believe that she has mastered this skill as well. This is a good self-esteem builder. Now, if you were to choose one of those pop psychology or self-help books, you would be announcing that you are a veritable Mr. Sensitive and really care about how she feels. Let's say you gave her a vintage copy of Plutarch's Lives. This would announce, yes, I fancy myself a swinging intellectual and I'm expecting you to be just as tedious as I am. The fiction of Harold Robbins, on the other hand, might signal something akin to the previously discussed Marvin Gaye collection.

Movies on video are another option but, once again, they could be interpreted as sending a message. A copy of Casablanca might tell her that you are just an old-fashioned romantic. On the other hand, the 1963 Herschell Gordon Lewis classic Blood Feast might indicate that you are either a knowledgeable devotee of genre film or, quite possibly, a serial killer-in-training. The Wizard of Oz would be an indication that `this romance is going nowhere because, in actuality, I'm gay."

So, you see, there are many great gift ideas, but every gift tells a story.

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