What if?

2000, the Y2K that wasn't

Top 10 lists of the best of 2000 have come and gone, but before we get too far into the new year, Smallmouth takes one last look back at 2000, the year that wasn't. Here's a guide to the top albums that might have, should have, almost did come out last year.

Skumbag, Blow a Lode (Megaversal). Nobody's ever seen any of the eight, uh, members of this band without the giant penis costumes they wear on stage. Propelled by an endorsement from Fred Durst (later retracted when he realized he meant to endorse a different band, Scumbagg), they've built their reputation on their outrageous live shows, where frontmen Mr. Happy and the One-Eyed Bandit, along with their wacky five-year-old sidekick, Little Elvis, toss bags of Rohypnol into the audience. No one over the age of 17 can name any of their songs.

Recidivi$t, Fort Hard Knox (Cash Limit). The dauphin of the New Orleans bounce scene celebrated his first huge hit, "Surrey Widda Fringe," by having his head replaced with a solid gold brick. Dozens of guest appearances on other performers' records feature his signature yell of "cha-ching!" at the end of every line; those performers were so eager to return the favor that "Surrey" is the only track on his album on which he actually had room to perform.

Portuguese Vehicle, My Eyes! Are Burning! (Jaded Tree). They were the emo band so intense that their singer kept two hospital orderlies just off stage in case he had a mid-show psychotic breakdown. Sad to say, they were featured on the cover of Punk Planet -- in a dispute over hermeneutics. All four members have now started projects of their own "to explore nautical themes."

Superhead, VH1 Behind the Music: The Superhead Collection (Betty FordWorks). These "bad-boy" Seattleites were signed eight years ago, during the big grunge scare of 1992, on the strength of their publicity photo. All subsequent recording sessions were cut short because at least one member was in stir and/or rehab (the place, not the band). But this year management hit on the brilliant idea of kicking off their career with a "Behind the Music" special and this companion CD.

Roly Poly, Jesus Fuck (Bandwagonesque). A veteran of the British big-beat scene, Roly Poly finally struck crossover gold this year when he overlaid a bunch of his old tracks with voice samples from two sources: soul siren Dido crooning Jonathan Edwards's "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" and a vintage Library of Congress recording of a longshoreman who'd just stepped on a rusty nail.

Spartacus, Don't Take It like That (Kiddie Corn/Megaversal). These clean-cut lads got a big push from the Fox tie-in Cloning the Band, which followed the process of creating a boy band from the initial Carter-sibling skin scrapings (i.e., Backstreet Boy Nick, younger brother Aaron, and 14-year-old sister Leslie) to the development process in Swedish nutrient vats and the final stages of coordinating Team Spartacus's focus groups, hairstylists, and plastic surgeons. The Vaguely Dangerous-Looking Goatee'd One broke hearts all over when the news got out that he's romantically linked to a computer-animated newscaster.

Of Grammatology, Derrida Cock-Horse (Grille Jockey). This group of young Chicago hipsters had never actually played instruments before entering the studio, but they planned to employ Pro Tools' new "subtle, jazzy, evocative, futuristic, improvisational" plug-in. Because of a hard-drive error, what came out was scrambled fragments of tuning noises and Sean O'Hagan's collection of Jessica Simpson MP3s. Produced by Jim O'Rourke, who has noted that he "doesn't especially enjoy it," the album has done exceptionally well on college radio.

Maude, Representing Maude (Designated Hitter). A scratchy-voiced soul diva with a neon fright wig, she got a major media blitz devoted to her debut: a two-part feature in the New Yorker, a special clothing line designed by Donna Karan, appearances on Leno and Letterman on the same night, and full-length posters at the Body Shop and Burger King. Because of a management oversight, she neglected to record an album. Fortunately, her street team hit chain stores and one-stops nationwide and pasted her photo onto every copy they could find of the last three Pat Benatar albums.

Lou Reed, The Complete Metal Machine Music Sessions (Rhino). Rhino's ultimate indulgence of its archival impulses: 11 CDs featuring rehearsals, false starts, trial arrangements, and unedited complete takes of Reed's screeching-feedback classic, as well as studio chatter (mostly Reed talking to himself in a methamphetamine frenzy). An enhanced bonus CD includes footage of the tape machine that recorded the album, as well as the promo-only single edit of "The Amine Beta Ring."

Extreme Smackdown, Let's Get Ready To Rumble! (Wickedest Disc). Underemployed local heroes Gary Cherone, Nuno Bettencourt, and Sully Erna gladdened the hearts of the "Cellars by Starlight" crew when they assembled this Boston supergroup to stage historical re-enactments of Rock 'n' Roll Rumbles of years past. Nat Freedberg has announced his intention to form a competing group, the Boston Brahmins, who will play Mighty Mighty Bosstones covers with new lyrics about Hindu caste distinctions.

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