E-Mail This Article to a Friend Up the establishment A party crasher’s guide to the DNC

Politics, as the man said, makes for strange bedfellows, but the 2004 Democratic National Convention will ratchet the outrageousness up a notch. Bill Clinton sharing the stage with Biz Markie? Liz Phair headlining over Hillary? Bono serenading Ted Kennedy? Oh, that’s just the beginning. When the Dems invade Boston this week, they’ll bring traffic nightmares, police-state security, millions of dollars in special-interest party favors, and, most important, megawatt pop and political star power. Heavyweight newsmakers will be jockeying for their 15 seconds before the glare of an international media circus. And a staggering coalition of grassroots activists will converge on the Hub, laying siege to the DNC from Boston Common to the Orwellian "Free Speech Zone" set up amid the locked-down DMZ encircling the FleetCenter. What follows is a brief guide to crashing the party.

While the FleetCenter plays host to homie John Kerry’s tightly scripted coronation, the real action will be taking place elsewhere, as the Democratic hierarchy deploys its superstars along the corporate-party circuit. Bill Clinton canned a book signing this week so as not to overshadow Kerry, and Hillary had to mount a PR campaign to get face time on the FleetCenter podium, but for political firepower, there are no hotter tickets than the ones featuring the former prez and the possible 2008 nominee. Bill and Hillary sure have interesting tastes in musical guests, though: is it a coincidence that they have a thing for singers obsessed with screaming infidelities? On Sunday at Avalon (15 Lansdowne Street in Boston; call 617-262-2424), the pair host "The Jumpoff," a rally and dance party where the mad-lib guest list includes Jerry Springer, Jon Stewart, the Rev. Al Sharpton, DNC honcho Terry McAuliffe, and Princess Leia herself, Natalie Portman, while Biz Markie mans the turntables. (Imagine the sidelong glances during "You Got What I Need" if nobody-beats-the-Biz were to pull a slight gender switch-up: "But you say she’s just a friend . . . ") For tickets, e-mail jumpoff@democraticgain.org, or register for Democratic GAIN’s weekend-long youth-mobilization boot camp at the Hynes Convention Center by visiting www.democraticgain.org. On Tuesday, meanwhile, Hillary lends her presence to the "Revolutionary Women" conference at the new Boston Conference Center and Exhibition Center, 415 Summer Street in Boston, where pretty much the entire female congressional delegation joins newswomen, activists, and Howard Dean for a day-long workshop session followed at 3:30 p.m. by a concert and rally featuring — wait for it — the Monica Lewinsky of indie rock, Liz Phair. Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi, former senator and ambassador Carol Moseley Braun, Newsweek’s Eleanor Clift, Dem strategist Donna Brazile, and veteran White House correspondent Helen Thomas are among the speakers. You can snag a $10 ticket for the whole shebang at www.revolutionarywomen.com — a bargain at any price, especially if Liz decides to serenade Hillary with, say, "Fuck and Run" or "Divorce Song" (to say nothing of "H.W.C.").

There are a quite a few rock gigs planned this week, but the bad news is that unless you’re a lobbyist, or loaded, you probably don’t have a prayer of getting in. On Monday, retiring Louisiana senator John Breaux, a friend of Hollywood, throws his notorious "Caribbean Beach Bash" (estimated price tag: $300,000) at the New England Aquarium, with Ziggy Marley performing; meanwhile, convention chair Bill Richardson brings in Los Lobos to play the Congressional Hispanic Caucus party at Felt, 533 Washington Street in Boston. The Recording Industry Association of America gets into bed with Rock the Vote for an invite-only gig by the Black Eyed Peas at Avalon on Tuesday at 10 p.m. On Tuesday night, Glenn Close hosts the Ted Kennedy gala at Symphony Hall (301 Massachusetts Avenue in Boston) featuring the Boston Pops, John Williams, Yo-Yo Ma, and U2’s Bono. The evening, a celebration of Ted the K’s 42 years of public service, is among the most coveted tickets in town, surpassed only by the Creative Coalition gala on Wednesday at Louis Boston, 234 Berkeley Street in Boston, at which the RIAA will court lawmakers with a set by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and a Hollywood guest list including Ben Affleck, Wes Craven, Billy Crystal, Bianca Jagger, Rachel Leigh Cook, Kate Mulgrew, Mandy Patinkin, Ron Reagan (who’s giving Republicans ulcers by steepping to the Democratic podium on Tuesday), Montel Williams, and Harvey Weinstein. For a measly $1000, you can suck up to them too: visit www.thecreativecoalition.org. And Time-Warner throws its weight around next Thursday, July 29, at the Roxy, 279 Tremont Street in the Theater District, where its Nomination Night gala is headlined by Maroon 5.

As for events you don’t need a trust fund to attend: Boston’s official kickoff celebration, a free concert featuring the Boston Pops conducted by Keith Lockhart and a set by Philly soul godfathers the O’Jays, gets going Sunday at 7 p.m. on City Hall Plaza at Government Center; call (617) 635-2004. (The Kerry campaign is also trying to get the Pops for a freebie at UMass-Boston on Wednesday with John Williams and James Taylor, but details were still unconfirmed at press time.) Across the river on Sunday, the City of Cambridge kicks off its "Destination: Cambridge — The Unconventional City" campaign to remind visitors there’s life on the other side of the Charles. (It appears to be working: the New York Times reports that the Clintons are staying at Harvard Square’s Charles Hotel.) Beginning at noon on Sunday, the Central Square World’s Fair returns to Massachusetts Avenue with eight stages of live entertainment, including performances by jazz violinist (and Vietnam vet) Billy Bang, Twinemen, Rubyhorse, the Rebirth Brass Band, and many more; visit www.cambridgema.gov/dnc. Elsewhere in Cambridge, turntable acrobats the X-ecutioners headline a Comcast-sponsored youth forum on Sunday at 2 p.m., at a location that was still being determined at press time. The rally will include a Politically Incorrect–style panel including appearances by Dave Chappelle, MTV News softballer Gideon Yago, and Cambridge homie Ben Affleck followed by a Harvard Square after-party at the Charles Hotel; call (617) 349-4325.

Chappelle won’t be the only high-profile comedian in town this week. Serving as the unofficial comedy HQ of the DNC is Jimmy Tingle’s Off Broadway, 255 Elm Street in Somerville, where an "Unconventional Comedy" festival brings in SNL alum A. Whitney Brown tonight (July 22) and Friday; Air America hostess Janeane Garofalo and her Majority Report co-host Sam Seder on Saturday and Sunday; and Tingle’s own solo-with-surprise-guests show "All Politics Is Loco" on Monday and running through July 31. (The Tuesday gig will be a tribute to the late Tip O’Neill.) Call (617) 591-1616. Elsewhere, the feisty Margaret Cho, whose latest material has gotten her yanked off stage in less progressive markets, debuts shtick from her upcoming theater show State of Emergency on Monday at 11 p.m. at Avalon; it’s part of the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund’s "Unity ’04" convention happenings. Tickets are $35; call (800) 494-TIXS. And the award for most elaborate puns goes to the local improv-comedy troupe Improv Asylum, 216 Hanover Street in Boston, which debuts two convention-oriented shows that run July 23 through 30: "Run DNC: A Democratic National Convention Tribute Show," and "Burlesque Exposes Bush or: How Dubya Got Kerry’d Away." Call (617) 263-NUTS.