Love in the outdoors

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months and I need to try to spruce up the relationship a little bit — not the sex life, the outdoor life. Do you have any ideas? I’ve looked through the Internet and found nothing to help me seem sweeter to him. Please help me with my problem.

— Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I’m not entirely clear on what you mean. Are you referring to activities like hiking, camping, boating and fishing, foraging for nuts and berries, and otherwise communing with the great outdoors? Or are you referring to all activities that take place away from your dwelling?

If the former is the case, you can pick up some wonderful ideas in the section of the library that stocks outdoor sporting books or in the appropriate part of your favorite bookstore. There’s also the more adventurous approach of wandering out into the wild and chatting up the first Jeremiah Johnson (Robert Redford’s famous 1972 Òmountain manÓ turn, co-starring former Woody Guthrie traveling buddy Will Geer) type that you bump into. A word of caution, however: Charles Manson types are frequently indistinguishable from Jeremiah Johnson-types.

If your definition of Òoutdoor lifeÓ is more expansive and you’re talking about all activities outside the home, you must have some similar passions or interests. Maybe you have one that is foreign to your boyfriend or vice versa. If your boyfriend digs opera, but you don’t, it might be fun to try it together. Or maybe you’re a major fan of Hungarian art films. Take the boyfriend along.

Of course, you can’t go wrong with the high school play. Find out when the local high schools are putting on the senior play and get

tickets. This is especially good if it is a very, very bad or very, very good play (ÒLarry Guappo of Bumpoke High’s Hamlet is not to be missed).

Also, I don’t get the Òseem sweeter to himÓ part of the letter. Perhaps there is some parallel universe in which English is spoken but has a different meaning. I am not familiar with that alternate universe, so I need help.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I find dating very stressful, mainly because I’m never sure what’s right or wrong or what is expected of me. I know there aren’t any rules for this sort of thing, but how often should you see someone when you’re first dating? Three times a week, once a week? Is there a point where the excitement doesn’t happen because you are too distant?

Also, I have a tendency to rush into Òthe first kiss.Ó I feel like I’m in limbo until I cross that border. If after three or four dates, I’ve still just kissed her goodnight on the cheek, am I being too laid back about it or does it mean she isn’t interested? I’m 38 years old, but I’m still wondering about a number of these issues.

— Inquiring Mind

Dear Inquiring,

Just because you’re 38 and haven’t figured some of this stuff out doesn’t mean that you’re a hopeless buffoon (in this case, however, the Dr. is leaning in that direction). When you’re first seeing someone, it’s not a bad idea to see each other rather infrequently. Then you really look forward to seeing each other. At the age of 38, if you’re not doing full-mouth kisses by the end of the second date, you can pretty well accept that she’d rather be home, color-coordinating the last three months of lint from her clothes dryer trap, than sipping Champagne with you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

No, no, no! The correct response [to ÒTattoo Fan,Ó who wrote in last week for advice on how to convince his girlfriend to have his name tattooed on her buttocks] should have been: ÒTell her to go ahead and get the tattoo of your name on her butt. That way every time she wipes her ass, she’ll think of you.Ó

— GBC