FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2001 — Anthrax? What anthrax?

After weeks of fanfare, the big A was consigned to the piddling back bits of the papers this week. Has the threat diminished? Not quite. The fact is, Americans are BORED by anthrax. Sick of it. Never want to hear the damn word again. Unless O.J. or Britney gets it, not another word, please. The New York Times seems to have muddled its Zeits and its geists on this one. Above the fold of Saturday’s issue: "FBI Asks for Aid in Solving Riddle of Anth ..." Shhhh. Sunday’s Boston Herald, however, gave us what we wanted: "America Is Winning the War on Fear."

Yay!

Isn’t it just bracing to read about those "daisy cutter" things we’ve been dropping on to the hate-filled heads of the evil ones over in, as Bush might say, Afsht’n? The daisy cutter — a 15,000-pound-fuel air bomb, reportedly the biggest, baddest non-atomic bomb in the world — will make mincemeat out of your average evildoer. Indeed, anyone who didn’t feel a twinge of tumescence at the images of wall-to-wall carpet bombs raining down on the Taliban front lines must have a heart of stone. "Taliban Losing Its Grip," the Herald advised us on Monday. Better yet, the New York Yanks lost their grip completely, falling to the Arizona Diamondbacks in the final game of the World Series. The Diamondbacks, a team that has been around for less time than your average can of soup. Start spa-redding tha nyooooze.

By Tuesday, smallpox (a much more compelling affliction than you-know-what) jostled against the awesome might of the American military machine for headline space. "US Looking to Increase War’s Thrust," blared the Globe. Rest assured, not a single ox-eye daisy was left standing on the blighted suburban hillsides of Mazar-e-Sharif that day. We know this, of course, because the dailies are providing us with those helpful little maps superimposed with "Special Offer!"–like starbursts to show us where the big bangs are.

In his front-page mug shots, the so-called 20th hijacker, Zacarias Moussaoui (pronounced Mnemenblerblah), looks fearsome enough ("Say grrr!"). Yet, as the Globe reported on Wednesday, the sneering goateed one was "the least able and discreet of the hijackers." Apparently, Mnemenblerblah went to a pilot-training school in Florida and asked to learn to fly a plane into a large building. Incompetence in the pursuit of evil is a wonderfully mollifying concept, don’t you think? Whatever fuzziness we were feeling at this news, however, vanished like a plate of pasta in the Menino household as we learned that the Mayor had "romped" to victory in the blah blah blah. Time for a snooze.

The War on Terrorism came close to home on Thursday when it was revealed that the US had dropped cluster bombs on Dorchester ... no, wait, sorry ... when it was revealed that US officials had raided the Dorchester office of the Bank of Terror, otherwise known as Barakaat. Two Somali brothers were charged with funneling money to Osama bin Laden’s Terror Network (no, not al Jazeera). A front-page map illustrated where similar raids had taken place across the nation. Frankly, we missed those gratifying little starbursts.

By Friday — that is, today — the front pages brimmed with the stirring words of our commander-in-chief: "Bush Seeks to Comfort Nation." Somewhat incongruously, the headlines also revealed that a large part of Bush’s much-heralded speech in Atlanta focused on "an era of 'new responsibilities.' " What this means exactly — helping old ladies across the road? capturing evil ones single-handedly? — remains unclear. Still, who could fail to be moved by the president’s closing line? "My fellow Americans, let’s roll." Let me tell you, I laughed so hard that anthrax came out of my nose. Ooops! Sorry — I meant milk. The Herald, meanwhile, took a time-out from the War on Terror to remind us that Harry Potter’s on his way to the big screen.

All together now: yay!