FRIDAY, AUGUST 30, 2002 — Nick Tosches is no doubt a fine writer. In a blurb on the back of his latest novel, In the Hand of Dante (Little, Brown), he is characterized, by no less an authority than the Dallas Observer, as "One of the greatest living American writers." And so, when a parcel containing Tosches’s new book came in this morning, I decided to take a quick look, perhaps get an idea why the Chicago Tribune described the author as "Amazing." Upon opening the book to a random point, page 147, I was indeed amazed. Here’s what I counted over the next two-and-a-half pages:

Twelve uses of the word "fuckin’." Two uses of the phrase "fuck her legs," two uses of "fuck a stiff," and a single "sick fuck." There is also a "shit," a "dogshit," a "bag of shit," a "dogshit broad," a "dogshit hand," and a "dogshit cunt." There’s a "strokin’ your cock," a "suck my cock." There’s a "jerked off" and a "jerk off," plus a reference to "asses," a "bitch," and to "pissin’." Need I go on?

It is simply dreadful that the nation’s children can walk into any book store in the country, open up a work of so-called literary fiction, and encounter the words "Fuck Yeats ... Fuck Shakespeare too." Children are impressionable. They are inclined to repeat, unthinkingly, the things they read. Can you imagine that poor child’s next English lesson? "Fuck Edith Wharton. Thomas Hardy can suck my dogshit cock." No, Mr. Tosches, this simply isn’t good enough.

For one thing, such an endless stream of obscenity betrays a lack of imagination, poor analytical skills, and a woefully feeble vocabulary. For instance, instead of writing "fuck a stiff" (twice!), Mr. Tosches could have written, say, "have intercourse with a corpse" or even "copulate with a cadaver." Why use so much profanity when there are perfectly good words like "urination," "masturbation," and "fecal strumpet" at your disposal? Alas, such richness of language is sorely lacking in Mr. Tosches foul-mouthed tirades.

Furthermore, Mr. Tosches could have expressed his disdain for the Bard with a certain level of critical acumen. "Shakespeare’s work, while expressive and technically proficient, nonetheless fails to speak to contemporary concerns in a meaningful way." But Mr. Tosches instead chose to go with "Fuck Shakespeare." Why? Because he, like so many modern novelists, is intellectually lazy.

The profane nature of Tosches’s book is all the more lamentable because it evokes the name of Dante, and its plot even incorporates the great Italian poet’s The Divine Comedy. Can you imagine what Dante’s masterpiece would have looked like if it had been written by Tosches’s hand?

The ass, that in our rear was flaming red, Which had in me the sick fuck of its rays;

Unto one side I farted, with the fear Of being pissed upon, when I beheld Only in front of me the cock obscured.

"Why dost thou still mistrust?" my dogshit broad Began to say to me turned fuckin’ round; "Dost thou think that I jerk thee off?"

Absurd, yes? But no more absurd, surely, then the "fucking discombobulated fucking stiff" that makes an appearance on page 12 of Tosches’s sickeningly profane novel. Shame.