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Shifting gears


Dear Dr. Lovemonkey:

I was in a relationship for three years with a great girl. We met when she was in high school, and continued to date through most of college. Now it seems that things are all screwed up. We have decided to lower our relationship, to friends. The problem I’m having is that I still love her. We both felt we needed space to discover who we are. I know what I want, but I keep a lot of my feelings to myself. When I try to express how I feel, we get into a fight, which causes even more problems between us. What should I do? Should I tell her that I still love her? Or should I just stay with the friendship and move on? I believe she still loves me. (She told me she doesn’t want to lose me.) When we decided to move to "friendship," we were both a mess. This girl means a lot to me. I just don’t want to give up on something that was good.

— P.C.

Dear P.C.,

If, as you say, discussing your strong feelings for her would initiate an argument, it would seem right now that she is comfortable only at the friendship level. She may find an intimate relationship with you confusing, and possibly isn’t quite sure what she wants at this time. Pressing the issue is not likely to work. As the saying goes, the one who is the least committed to the relationship is, ultimately, the one in charge. Stay with the friendship and move on. If she’s interested and just needs a little push, this ought to do it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m 21 years old and haven’t been in a relationship since I was 14. I get out a lot, do lots of things, have tons of friends, and am fairly attractive. Everyone’s always asking me why I’m not in a relationship, and all I can say is, I don’t know! What's going on? Is cupid just bypassing me? At this rate, I won’t get married until I’m 73!!

— Life Sucks

Dear Life,

Just the other day, Dr. Lovemonkey was loudly complaining to a number of associates about how he is 55 years old, and for some mysterious reason, has not received a luxury automobile nor a large check hand-delivered by Ed McMahon. Later, while scanning the US Constitution, it suddenly hit the doctor that certain things he covets are not categorized as inalienable rights.

Although there is no comparison between possessing a late model BMW and being involved in a romantic relationship with another person, there are a few similarities. One is how they are not perks of citizenship, and therefore one must work to attain them. Granted, stockpiling enough money to afford a consumer item is a much more straightforward proposition than sharing real intimacy with another person, but both require effort. They do not just land in your lap.

Dr. Lovemonkey did not have his first real girlfriend until after he was 25, so he can tell you that there are many late bloomers out there, and despite your feeling the parade is passing you by, you should not despair.

Some of the "relationships" you have witnessed among your friends may have been deeply flawed if not downright stupid. The "rite of passage" aspect of young love is frequently just as filled with pain and uncertainty as the mojo-less existence of your special frustration. It is much more frustrating than it was when Dr. Lovemonkey was a youth with raging hormones. Today’s relentlessly marketed youth culture suggests that virtually everyone, upon reaching puberty, is engaged in frantic couplings, making the beast-with-two backs, if not actually involved in a satisfying and life-enhancing relationship. This is just not true.

The only helpful advice I can give is to not to try too hard. Doing so creates a whiff of desperation that the object of one’s affections invariably can smell a mile away and acts as a real turn-off. Live your life. When you are happy in your own skin, people become magically attracted to you, and that’s when the opportunities for romance commence.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net


Issue Date: February 4 - 10, 2005
E-mail Dr. Lovemonkey here.
Go here for Dr. Lovemonkey archives 2005 | 2004 | 2003
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