E-Mail This Article to a Friend Giving it up

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Is it appropriate for a woman to give a modest, inexpensive gift to a man after only a few dates? I was wondering if there is a normal protocol about this, because I’ve found something that is really great and fun that I’d like to give this man, but I wouldn’t want it to be interpreted as being too forward. What do you say?

— L.

Dear L.,

I can’t think of what could possibly be wrong with doing this. It might be different if we were talking about something expensive, as it could be interpreted a number of ways. Then again, if you have the resources for such a spectacular gift, you could send large piles of non-sequentially numbered federal currency to others – perhaps someone like Dr. Lovemonkey?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About a month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of almost three years. I have dated one person since then, while my ex just told me of her intention to date someone. This person is sort of a friend of mine. He works at a store, near where we lived, that I went to once a week. I’ve been very friendly with him for three years. My ex would occasionally accompany me on my weekly trip and was nice to the guy, never implying anything else. Since our breakup, we’ve tried to stay friends. One rule we have is not to date friends of exes’. Or at least she didn’t, until now. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by both of them. She should have had more consideration for me, and obeyed her own rule. He should have had more respect for me, and politely declined when she asked him out. Now I don’t want to have anything to do with either of them. Am I overreacting?

— Still Friends (?)

Dear Still,

Your hurt and disappointment is certainly understandable. Undoubtedly, you feel a sense of betrayal. The "rule" your ex once claimed to adhere to is a good one, for the very reason of what you are going through, and what she would have felt if you had started, after a month, to see a friend of hers. The rule is also somewhat unrealistic. We all tend to become romantically involved with people within our pool of friends. That you were with this woman for three years means, most likely, that your pool of friends overlapped.

Your ex and your friend should understand how you feel. Dr. Lovemonkey thinks it not unreasonable if you want to abstain from being friendly with either of them for a while. At the same time, you should attempt to put things in perspective and not judge these two too harshly. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, although understandable, is not a good thing.

In cases like this, time has a healing effect. With time, you will be able to more objectively evaluate why you and your ex split up. After a while, you may be able to renew your friendship with both of these people, but it’s just not doable for now. You need some distance. Just as your ex realized it was unrealistic to rule out dating someone friendly with her former boyfriend, it is unrealistic for her to expect you to be able to maintain a close friendship with her right now. Your hurt feelings will heal.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net