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Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I’m a lesbian living in a liberal, but very white bread suburb in which gays are pretty invisible. Guys who obviously don’t know that I’m gay, and whom I’ll have to see again — such as a friend of a friend or a fellow student — have asked me out several times. I don’t want to give a half-true excuse, like, "Sorry, but I’m busy that night," because 1) he’s going to ask again, and 2) I just can’t think on my feet for even social white lies like that.

In the past, I’ve said, "Oh, thank you, that’s sweet, but I'm gay." The reaction has been as if I’d pulled off a rubber mask and said, "I’m from the planet Hoo Haa!" I don’t like making these guys uncomfortable, but I can’t think of any lies that won’t make them feel unduly rejected. Any other "It’s not you, it’s me" line will eventually be found out, since I’m going to see this guy again. I feel badly for shocking these guys, although if I asked out a woman who said, "I’m sorry, but I’m straight," I would take it in stride. These social gymnastics make me feel like I’m making up for my "social faux pas" of being gay. Got any suggestions?

_J.L.

Dear J.L.,

Explaining your orientation to romance-minded bachelors isn’t rude. The unpleasant reactions of some of these heteros, however, are rude. If they can’t take it in stride, as you wisely suggest, just ignore their bad behavior. Another polite alternative would be simply to say, "No, thank you; I’m afraid I can’t." The guy may ask you out again, but your "No thanks" should be sufficient. You don’t have to give him a reason. (In some cases, the real reason for a "No thanks" is unnecessarily hurtful and therefore better left unsaid.)

A white lie can be very useful when you need to spare someone’s feelings. You’re right about how "I’m busy that night" is not quite strong enough and might invite further advances. "I’m sorry, but I’m not in a position to date new guys right now, for personal reasons," could be a winner for you, though.

HELDBACK

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently got out of a three-year relationship with a man I love. Throughout our relationship, he cheated several times. We broke up, but got back together. The reason for the break-up this time was because he is "not ready," in his words (This revelation took him three years to express!!!) We still talk every day, and when we get together we act like we are a couple. He proclaims his love for me, and tells me I am the one he wants to marry – "The only one."

I feel this leads to nowhere. My question is, do I continue to be his best friend, or should we not speak? I have done the no-contact thing on several occasions, but he says, "I’m throwing it all away," and gets really upset.

_Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Chances are strong that he may never be ready. He will tell you he loves you, though, that he wants to keep your friendship, and that you shouldn’t throw away what you have together. By doing this, he is keeping you from finding someone else.

As long as your heart is entangled with him, you aren’t free to love someone else. He doesn’t want you to be happy with someone else, even though he’s not going to make you happy. By continuing as a couple, he gets everything he wants, but you don’t get what you want.

If he wants to marry you and really thinks you’re "The One," leaving him is the only thing that will get him off the dime. He’s playing you, and he’s winning. I think he’ll fold and that you should move on, pronto.