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Kidding around

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Iím in an odd position. Iím an early thirties guy who is involved with a mid-forties woman, and weíve been together for eight-plus years. I love her (that Iím sure of) and we connect on many levels: emotional, intellectual, and philosophical. Our sex life is not the greatest, but what man doesnít complain about sex? Iím committed to her (we live together, share bills, etc.), but there is one thing I want that we will never have together: children. We raise an older stepchild, but I know that Iíll never have children of my own with her, and this bothers me. I donít talk to her about it because itís a sensitive subject. She knows how I feel and has previously told me that I need to leave her so I can have children of my own, but Iím really entrenched in this relationship. I need someone to slap me on the head and say, "Suck it up. Your chance has passed and kids ainít in the cards for ya." What do you think?

_Planned Non-Parenthood

Dear Planned,

This is a question that only you can answer. That question, of course, is, how important is it that you have children? You mention some slight dissatisfaction with your sex life, as well as a desire to have children. You have to ask yourself some serious questions: Are you happy with the life you have and the life that you foresee with your partner? Do you fear that the age difference and your varying sexual desires will be more of an issue as you grow older? After eight years together, you owe it to her (and yourself) to make a decision -- and make it soon. Hanging on while contemplating bailing out is a lose-lose situation. Talk it out with her. No life or relationship is perfect. You have to make some permanent choices, and either go or stop pining for something else.

Get some (sense)

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

At my best friendís wedding, I hooked up with the brideís cousin. She is very unattractive and overweight. The problem is, a lot of people know it happened (both families, and friends from high school and college). I have lost a lot of respect with them. I also have not given the girl a call even though she was overly nice. I wish I didnít order doubles all night. Please tell me how I can get some respect back, because they are all ripping on me.

_I Know I Screwed Up

Dear I Know,

You did what you did. When people are young, any warm and breathing body is frequently a candidate for sex. Add alcohol and your alleged decision-making apparatus can be seriously addled. As you get older and (hopefully) wiser, you begin to mix something called "thinking" in with your raging hormones. The next time youíre in this situation, youíll think twice. If the woman with whom you took a roll in the hay was a hottie, would you still have regrets? Would you still consider this an indiscretion? If the answer is "no," and you believe that your friends would respect you had you thoughtlessly slept with a real babe, then youíre still a poster child for poor judgment. Your concern is not about making a mistake, but about having "bad taste." Youíll regain the respect of your friends when you start acting in a more thoughtful manner.

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Issue Date: January 6 - 12, 2005
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