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Am I out of bounds if I try to have a dialogue with my nephew about masturbation? He’s 17 years old and I’m 52. I’m also a balanced bisexual male in a good marriage. I masturbate a lot, "in private," and enjoy pornography sometimes. I have fun, easy orgasms.

What is appropriate? My nephew trusts me and brings up the topic constantly. He seems quite sophisticated — he says he uses condoms for jacking off (I use lotion); he is also upset because my sister’s latest boyfriend confiscated a blow-up masturbation doll from his personal effects. Some of my previous frank discussions with other nephews have been criticized, especially when a 15-year-old nephew got into my video library. (It happened 15 years ago; today the boy is straight, married, happy, and we have a good relationship.) Any advice would be welcome.

_Uninformed Nephew Craves Lasting Education

Are your motives pure, UNCLE? Your "previous frank discussions with other nephews" got you into trouble, which either means you’re a creepy old fart who gets off on talking about sex with his nephews — and your relatives know it — or that you come across that way when you talk to your nephews about sex.

Here’s how you can avoid coming across like a creepy old bisexual with designs on his nephew: let him initiate these conversations and refrain from following up answers to his questions with leading questions of your own. Let him begin these conversations, keep your answers simple, absolutely no over-sharing (he doesn’t need to know about your lube or porn preferences), and let him end the conversations. In short, do nothing that might give your nephew the impression that you beat off about your little chats.

Every year my family goes on a weeklong vacation to the beach. By family I mean my mom, my brother, my sister-in-law, and their kids (10–13). When I was married, I would go with my wife and our two kids. Two years ago, I came out of the closet and got a divorce.

This year I decided to invite my boyfriend. We have dated on and off since my divorce. But before inviting him, I forgot to mention it to my family. My brother is ultra-conservative and not totally sane about my gayness; I get along well with my sister-in-law, so I approached her with my idea of bringing my significant other to the beach. Her reply was: "David, this has always been a FAMILY VACATION. If your relationship with your boyfriend is stable enough that you consider him ‘family,’ I can sit my kids down and explain to them why Uncle Dave is bringing his friend and why they are going to be together at the end of the day. But if you don’t think your relationship with your boyfriend is that stable, then I don’t think it’s fair to put our kids through this."

I agree with her to some degree; after all, we all pay for the house and we should all feel comfortable in it. My boyfriend, however, thinks she’s full of crap, hiding her prejudice behind her kids. What do you think?

_The Gay Uncle

She’s family, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt, shall we? Instead of prejudiced, let’s just say she’s still working her way to full acceptance. Even so, she is trying to cover for her own lingering discomfort with that "I don’t think it’s fair to put our kids through this" crap. Here’s what she should have said instead: "We’re still getting used to you being gay, and we know we’re going to have a conversation about it with our kids sooner or later. If you’re serious about this guy, we’ll have it now. But if you’re not serious about this guy, please spare me from having a conversation I’m not ready to have with my kids."

That would have been more honest — still fucked-up, for sure, still full of crap, yes indeed, but honest. At 10 and 13, your nephews know about gay people and they’re old enough to know they’re related to one. You shouldn’t have to be closeted around them, serious boyfriend or no serious boyfriend.

So what do you do? Well, you insist. You tell your family that you realize your coming out came as a bit of a shock. But it’s been two years and that’s plenty of time to absorb the shock. From this point forward you’re going to insist on equal treatment. You’ve been dating this guy for two years — it’s time he met your family. If your boyfriend isn’t welcome, then your brother and sister-in-law will have to explain to their kids why Uncle Dave isn’t coming.