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DEPT. OF REVENGE
The train drain
BY CHRIS WRIGHT

Some people gripe about the inefficiency, others about the smarmy, condescending tone. Either way, since it was introduced two years ago, Amtrak’s robotic customer-service representative has been driving people nuts. Following a recent maddening attempt to book a ticket from New York to Boston, we decided to return the favor.

Hi, I’m Julie. What can I help you with? You can say schedule, reservation, or train status.

Aspiration.

Great. If you are calling about a reservation you already made, say, " I already have a reservation. "

Revolution.

We are in the reservation section.

Consternation.

I think you said I wanted to back up a step. Is that correct?

Nope.

My mistake. Please say one-way or round-trip.

Masturbation.

I think you said goodbye. Is that correct?

D’oh.

My mistake again. Please say one-way or round-trip.

Round way.

Sorry, I didn’t understand.

One trip.

Okay. Let’s take care of outbound trip first. Do you know the train number you are interested in?

Ho.

No problem. We’ll find your train a different way. What city are you departing from?

Paris, France.

I think you asked for Ashland; is that correct?

No! No! No!

Okay. If you know the name of the city, say it now.

Boston, Connecticut.

I think you asked for Baltimore, Maryland; is that correct?

Sure.

There are two stations in Baltimore, Maryland.

Conjunction Junction.

Okay, I’ll look for a train from Princeton Junction.

Bliss.

Got it. What day would you like to depart?

Yesterday.

I think you asked for Saturday, October 12. Is that correct?

Joe.

Please say yes or no.

Whatever.

I think you said you want to start over. Is that correct?

Guess.

Okay, let’s start over. Which part would you like to change?

All of it.

Would you like arrival or departure?

Neither.

Sorry, I can’t get you both right now. Please choose arrival or departure.

Arrival-departure.

Should I look for a train departing today?

No!

I need to know which day —

Yesterday.

I think you said you want to talk to an agent. Is that correct?

Blow me.

Sorry, I can’t tell whether you said yes or no.

No.

What day would you like to depart?

The ides of March.

I think you asked for Saturday, October 12. Is that correct?

Sure.

How many passengers will be traveling?

Forty.

Of those four passengers, I need to know how many of each type of passenger will be traveling. For example, you could say two adults and two senior citizens.

One adult, two senior citizens, and a madman.

Do you have a special discount you’d like to use?

Frankly, I’d rather not pay anything.

Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

I forgot the parrot.

Sorry, I still didn’t hear you.

Two adults, one senior citizen, a madman, and a red-bellied parrot.

Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you. Let me transfer you to an agent.

[Click ...]

Issue Date: October 10 - 17, 2002
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