I’m not usually the sort who goes in for prognostication, mostly because prognostication is so hard to spell. But the fact is, for anyone who’s followed my career, I have a pretty incredible track record when it comes to predicting the future.

I think most of us can agree that my last two calls – "Michael Jackson will keep getting crazier" (May, 2001) and "My income will drop this year" (January 2002) – were both eerily prescient.

So I’m going to set out the following predictions for Major News Events of 2003.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

President Bush Caught Doing Keg Stands in Oval Office

President George W. Bush shocked bystanders by imbibing 36 ounces of beer while standing on his head. The episode, recorded on videotape, took place during a visit to the Oval Office by the Texas Longhorns baseball team, who won the Division I NCAA championships last month.

The tape was released for sale last week, apparently by members of the Longhorns, under the moniker "Presidents Gone Wild."

It features Bush mooning the camera and demonstrating the proper technique for administering a "Texas tittie-twister" on one of his aides. At one point, the Chief Executive breaks wind and screams, "Duck and cover, boys! I just dropped some serious chemical weaponry."

A few minutes later, a noticeably wobbly Bush can be heard to say, "Fuck all this sanctimoronius bullcrap. Which one of you little pissants has blow?"

Spokesman Ari Fleischer, responding to press reports, noted: "Once again, the left-wing media has totally misrepresented the President on this issue. What he says, and quite clearly if you listen to the tape, is that he urges all decent Americans resist the evils of drugs."

Fenway Remodeled

Red Sox officials initiated a major overhaul of historic Fenway by removing all of its seats.

Critics of the current ownership team dismissed the move as a desperate attempt to rally support for a new baseball stadium.

"That’s nonsense," said owner John Henry. "We just felt the color scheme was all wrong. Nobody’s going with red seats this season. Nobody."

Ben Affleck and J. Lo Kill One Another in Vicious Knife Fight

The glamorous honeymoon of superstars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez ended in tragedy, when the two superstars were found stabbed to death in their deluxe suite on the island of Saint Tropez.

Police say all evidence points to a lover’s spat turned violent. Eyewitnesses say both had been drinking heavily before retiring for the night.

"Ben was being all, like, paranoid," said Ninny Lopez, a member of the couple’s entourage. "He wouldn’t let her dance. He kept saying, ‘Quit shaking your ass, J.’ And J. was, like, ‘I’m not shaking my ass, honey. It just shakes like that.’"

Matt Damon, Affleck’s best friend and fellow actor, refused to comment on the deaths. He did say that he hopes to set up a foundation in the name of his late best friend, to provide support and guidance for the chronically overexposed.

"I’m truly shocked by this turn of events," said Lopez publicist Lisa Morse. "The world has been robbed of two tremendous talents. Ben will be missed, as well." She added that she has no intention of selling the rights to J. Lo’s life story until the family has had a chance to mourn.

"You know how these Hollywood love stories go," observed celebrity columnist Liz Smith. "One minute they’re all lovey dovey and the next they’re sticking knives in one another’s throats."

Rap star Sean Puffy Combs, J. Lo’s former beau, could not be reached for comment.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow, Affleck’s former girlfriend, could not be reached for comment.

O.J. Simpson, reached for comment on his cell phone, said, "I don’t know nothing about that shit. I was playing golf, man."

Lott to Launch Rap Career

In a move being hailed as one of the strangest in recent political history, former Senate majority leader Trent Lott has decided to vacate his post in order to pursue a career in hip hop.

At a press conference held in the Mississippi Republican’s hometown of Pascagoula, Lott made a lewd gesture to reporters and announced that he planned to "drop a dickbomb on y’all." He added that he was legally changing his name to T-Lo.

"Don’t even be calling me Trent," he noted. "That shit was my slave name. Holla! Holla!"

The former senator was joined by his new Death Row Label mates, Snoop Doggy Dogg and L’il Bow Wow.

"Some peeps all down on his legislative record or whatnot," Dogg said. "But Lo knows how to suck a bong, you know what I’m saying? He’s my Caucasian."

Yassir Arafat Defends Suicide Bombers

Speaking from his Ramallah compound, Yassir Arafat dismissed allegations that Palestinian suicide bombers have been targeting Israeli civilians.

"These are kids," said the President of the Palestinian Authority. "Kids play with firecrackers. These things happen."

Former Cardinal Goes Public With Cookie

Deposed Cardinal Bernard Law, who stepped down last year amid allegations that he helped cover up sex abuse in the Boston Diocese, has become the spokesman for a new "faith-based, low-fat snack" called Cardinal Crisps.

Law’s image is already being used in a series of billboard ads, in which he is pictured sliding cookies to parishioners through the slot of a confessional booth. The tagline reads: Finally, a cookie you don’t have to feel guilty about eating.

"We feel there is a still a significant population, both in Boston and greater Massachussetts, who believes Bernard Law was wrongly accused," says Vincent Todaro, president of the Cardinal Crisp Company. "And from everything our focus groups tell us, this demographic is also hungry for a delicious new snack product. The fit is a natural."

Church officials declined to comment on Law’s involvement, though one official did comment that he felt the cookies, which come in the shape of a communion wafer, "taste like sawdust."

Cardinal Crisps are being sold in two varieties: Sinfully Cinnamon and Venial Vanilla.

Steve Almond’s collection of short stories is titled My Life in Heavy Metal (Grove, 2002). His website is www.stevenalmond.com.