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Dad, un-tied
Unorthodox gifts for the guy who does nothing
BY MIKE MILIARD

WAY BACK IN 1909, when Sonora Smart Dodd first conceived of a day to honor her father, she surely had no idea what a massive marketing juggernaut her bright idea would become. But every year around the last week of May, the onslaught begins: gifts! Gifts! Gifts! For the outdoorsman! For the golfer! For the fisherman! For the handyman! How about ... for the guy who sits around on his ass all day?

It’s tough buying for someone who has everything. Even tougher is buying for someone who doesn’t do anything. You say your dad wouldn’t be caught dead on a golf course? Give him the Talking Golf Game ($24.99), available online at RedEnvelope, which will allow the pococurante paterfamilias to play the back nine or even all 18 from the comfort of his La-Z-Boy. Several choices of greens, 12 different clubs, and variable ground and wind conditions make this a formidable virtual challenge. There’s even a voice programmed to say things like "great shot" and "nice putt!" But we don’t think he’ll be hearing those too often.

If Dad does happen to correct his cyber-slice, offer him something more challenging. Everybody’s heard of Rubik’s Cubes, those little squares of brightly colored exasperation. They’re so 1983! But what about a Homer's Head Rubik’s Cube Puzzle ($12), sold at Toys "R" Us? Watch in stitches as Dad scrambles Homer’s noggin into an unrecognizable deformity, then sweats and curses as he tries to put it all back together again.

What better father to emulate than Homer Simpson? He’s smart, he’s fun, he’s nurturing, and he likes to drink beer. For like-minded dads, we were gonna suggest broadening his horizons at Realbeer.com with the Michael Jackson Real Beer Tour ($400 for a year’s membership, $70 for two months), which would have delivered two six-packs of the world’s fanciest beers to his door each month. But then we realized this godsend isn’t available in the Bay State, thanks to some silly rule about getting booze in the mail. However, Commonwealth denizens can head to Amazon.com for Michael Jackson’s Great Beer Guide ($17, DK Publishing), a lavish, full-color tome that’ll have Dad gazing and salivating at 500 glistening pictures of beer. When you feel guilty enough, trot to the packie and buy the old man a six pack of Millah Lite.

After drinking large quantities of beer, the first place most men go, of course, is the bathroom. Make it a little exciting for dear old dad with the Toilet Bog Monster ($18), available at wonderfullywacky.com. "WARNING," the box states, "The Bog Monster should not be used on the elderly or those of a weak disposition!!!" Attach it to the inside of the seat and close the cover. When unsuspecting pa goes to take a pee ... mrrroooarrrrrggh!!! Up it pops, to a cacophony of screams (his) and laughter (yours). Trust us — it’ll scare the crap out of him. (Not literally, we hope).

Finally, if you’re too poor (or cheap) to shell out the cash for any of these gifts, mosey on over to the Tacky Postcard Archive at www.tackymail.com, where an assortment of free and stupid e-greetings awaits your proud papa — who’ll surely never forget being slighted by you, his ingrate kid, on this, his special day.

Where to get it:

• Toys "R" Us, various locations, www.toysrus.com.

www.amazon.com.

www.realbeer.com.

www.redenvelope.com.

www.tackymail.com.

www.wonderfullywacky.com.



Issue Date: May 30 - June 6, 2002
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