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Christmas Carols

If RuPaul and the Kinks can't put you in the mood to celebrate, who can?

by Brett Milano

Christmas music comes in all moods and styles, from the sweet and sentimental (Bing Crosby's "White Christmas") to the bratty and sarcastic (Fear's "F*ck Christmas"). There are Christmas songs to suit just about every mood and sexual orientation. And every year a new batch of these seasonal classics-to-be gets released.

All of which can make putting together a Christmas-party tape a bit of a challenge. Here are our picks of holiday tunes worth listening to. They cover a variety of musical styles and include a handful of new releases interspersed among familiar classics, though we've tried to steer clear of anything really obvious (sorry, Bruce Springsteen: no "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town"). And we've timed the play list to fit on a 90-minute cassette, with a couple of minutes left for one of your personal favorites.

Smashing Pumpkins, "Christmastime" (A Very Special Christmas 3, A&M). New for 1997 is this pretty, poppish number that catches head Pumpkin Billy Corgan in an unusually warm-hearted mood. Good enough to make up for the band's lousy theme song for Batman Forever.

Joe Perry, "Blue Christmas" (Merry Axemas, Epic). Aerosmith's resident guitar hero gets off some hot licks in this lowdown version of a song usually associated with Elvis Presley. Will they play it at the FleetCenter on New Year's Eve?

The Gravel Pit, "Sucking on a Holiday Treat" (No One Here Gets in for Free, Q Division). Local rockers spare absolutely no innuendo in this tongue-in-cheek ode to seasonal gratification of all sorts.

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "It Sure Don't Seem Like Christmas" (Home for Christmas, Mercury). Reaching back to their local roots, the Bosstones just released this tune, originally cut in 1984 by the well-liked Boston punk band the Dogmatics. The Bosstones's treatment is a bit more upbeat than the bummed-out original, but the local references remain.

Matthew Sweet, "Baby Jesus" (Yuletunes, Black Vinyl). Alternative-pop hero Sweet makes his contribution with this little-known gem, hiding a bittersweet message behind one of his typically buoyant melodies.

Tom Lehrer, "A Christmas Carol" (Songs & More Songs, Rhino). The Cambridge humorist cut this one in the early '60s, but it still may be the most cynical Christmas song in recorded history. Who can forget the line about Santa Claus's "flying his reindeer across the sky/Don't stand underneath when they fly by"?

Big Star, "Jesus Christ" (Big Star 3rd, Rykodisc). Definitely the best -- maybe even the only -- explicitly religious Christmas carol to come from a rock band. With a chorus of "Jesus Christ is born today," Alex Chilton's soaring tune captures the essence of holiday wonder -- though the ever-contrary Chilton has changed the words to "Santa Claus is born today" when he's played it in recent years.

The Kinks, "Father Christmas" (Come Dancing with the Kinks, Arista). Head Kink Ray Davies's satirical Christmas classic is one of the least sentimental, most touching holiday songs in rock. And Davies's tale of a street-corner Santa who gets mugged by underprivileged kids gets more timely every year.

Spinal Tap, "Christmas with the Devil" (Break Like the Wind, MCA). Another classic of sorts that weds twisted Christmas cheer with over-the-top heavy-metal imagery: "The elves are wearing leather, and the stockings are in flames/Someone's comin' down the chimney, and Satan is his name!"

R.E.M., "Christmas Griping" (fan club single, also on the bootleg Rare Frequencies). Every year the R.E.M. folks send an exclusive Christmas single to their fan club, though it's not always a Christmas song; last year they went with "I Will Survive." This 1992 entry was the funniest of their holiday tunes, with some good-natured bitching between butchered versions of familiar Christmas melodies. "Now I've gotta take my nephew to the mall to see Santa Claus," whines guitarist Peter Buck. "I'm still having nightmares about Burl Ives," groans bassist Mike Mills. "Wouldn't you just love to throttle the person that invented fruitcake?" suggests ex-drummer Bill Berry. For his part, Michael Stipe sings a little verse about eating 100 graham crackers and throwing up.

Bob Seger, "Sock It to Me, Santa" (Rock'n'Roll Christmas, Mercury). Long before he was into easy-listening rock and car commercials, Bob Seger was a hopped-up Detroit punk, and this obscure mid-'60s tune (which until this compilation album had been out of print for decades) may well be the best thing he ever recorded. "Santa's got a brand new bag!" he proclaims at the outset, the guitar player steals an appropriate James Brown lick, and two minutes of sheer mania breaks loose. Santa's reindeer still haven't recovered from the orders Seger barks at them in the chorus: "Come on, Comet! Come on, Cupid! Don't just sit there looking stupid!"

Steve Earle, "Christmas in Washington" (El Corazón, Warner Bros.). Warning: this one's a little depressing. But if Earle is brave enough to start his latest album with a somber, five-minute indictment of government greed, you can be brave enough to put it on your tape.

The Roches, "Good King Wenceslas" (We Three Kings, Rykodisc). From the sisters' holiday album comes the prettiest rendition of a traditional carol that I've heard yet. There's also a haunting undertone, since they sing all five verses, not just the two everyone knows. Bet you didn't know it was a ghost story.

The Cocteau Twins, "Winter Wonderland" (The Edge of Christmas, Capitol). Better than the more famous Eurythmics version is this warm, fluffy take on the romantic standard. It may be the only Cocteau Twins song where you can understand all the words.

The Pretenders, "2000 Miles" (Learning to Crawl, Sire). One of the more familiar items on our tape, Chrissie Hynde's lovely and hopeful song still rings true. Can it really be 13 years since its release?

Sonny Boy Williamson, "Santa Claus" (Blue Yule, Rhino). From the blues vaults comes a song with one of the stranger story lines around: the singer gets arrested for rummaging through his girlfriend's dresser drawers; he swears he was just trying to find out what she got him for Christmas.

The Christmas Jug Band, "Somebody Stole My Santa Claus Suit" (Bummed Out Christmas, Rhino). Folk hero Dan Hicks is responsible for this jolly ditty, in which our hero wakes up Christmas morning to find his beloved costume has been ripped off: "Somebody took the whole shebang/If I find that roly-poly mutha, he's gonna hang!" But cooler heads prevail, and he figures that whoever stole the suit must be making somebody happy with it: "So deck the halls and what the hell, I still have my jingle bells/So sucker, you can keep the suit, 'cause frankly, I don't give a hoot!"

RuPaul, "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" (Ho Ho Ho, Rhino). Had to happen sooner or later, right? RuPaul puts a very up-to-date spin on a holiday classic and gives the tune pretty much what it deserves.

Wayne Newton, "Jingle Bell Hustle" (Have a Nice Christmas, Rhino). While we're getting campy, here's the ultimate, so-bad-it's-great disco atrocity from the mid-'70s.

The Partridge Family, "White Christmas" (The Partridge Family Christmas Card, Razor & Tie). And if we must get into '70s kitsch, let's go all the way -- though we must admit that David Cassidy's countryish version of the song isn't as awful as it could have been.

Jet Boys, "Merry Christmas, Fuck You" (Happy Birthday Baby Jesus, Sympathy for the Record Industry). The title alone is enough to earn this one a place on your holiday tape, though it's a happier-sounding tune than you might expect. The artists are a Japanese punk band whose command of English seems to be limited to the two phrases in the title.

Aaron Neville, "Please Come Home for Christmas" (Soulful Christmas, A&M). The New Orleans crooner turns in the best version yet of the R&B chestnut made famous by the Eagles. What would a party tape be without a little make-out music?

Dean Martin, "Baby It's Cold Outside" (Christmas Cocktails, Capitol). On the subject of make-out music, here's one to play in front of a warm fireplace with a cold martini in hand.

Frank Sinatra, "Jingle Bells" (A Jolly Christmas, Capitol). Since we have Dino, we've got to have some Frank. And modern-day swingers will appreciate the finger-snapping hipster slant he puts on this familiar tune.

The Sonics, "Santa Claus" (Cool Yule, Rhino). In 1966 this Seattle garage band recorded what stands as the ultimate rock-and-roll Christmas song. Stealing the chords (all three of 'em) from the Treniers' "Farmer John," singer Gerry Roslie offers the definitive wish list: "I want a brand-new car, a twangy guitar, a cute little honey, and lots of money!" Timeless sentiments, indeed.

Brett Milano is a music critic for the Boston Phoenix.