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Delayed Gratification

Cheap stuff (under $20) you can buy at the last minute

by Mark Bazer

Right now, your more thoughtful friends and relatives are reading another story in this section. Or, more accurately, they read it a week and a half ago. And after careful consideration, they decided there was no gift more appropriate for their beloved Aunt Reva than the $70 10-foot-tall pink-elephant-on-ice-skates statue that sings different operettas depending on which part of its belly you squeeze. So they headed out to the only place where you can find this elephant -- the One-of-a-Kind-and-Even-This-One-Barely-Exists Knickknacks, Doodads, and Large Animal Statues Shoppe in Northampton (open Mondays, 7:30-7:45 a.m.) -- and plunked down their hard-earned savings to make someone close to them feel even closer.

You, on the other hand, couldn't be bothered. You're a selfish pig who's not only greedy, but so incredibly stupid that you're actually surprised when Christmas (December 25) rolls around each year -- even though the stores start putting up holiday displays in July. But, hey, I'm with you. Things get in the way. Work is crazier than ever. You start dating someone a week before Christmas and you have to think fast and not too fancy. You wake up December 23 from a three-year coma. You're on the way to a party and you realize you've left your original present at home.

Whatever your excuse, the bottom line is that Christmas is just days (hours?) away, and you need to finish shopping. What follows is a list of easy-to-find gifts that cost less than $20. (If you've waited this long, you're certainly not planning on shelling out the big bucks.) We'll start with the assumption that you have enough time to make one special trip. You may not be able to go shop-to-shop and down the back alleys, but we're not asking you to.

If you live near Harvard Square, you'll find everything you need in one location: the Garage (36 JFK Street, Cambridge). For that friend with a taste for kitsch, try Cool Beans (617-492-2244). One approach is to put together a gift package of assorted lesser-priced items, including Pop Rocks (strawberry or watermelon, 75 cents), a Pez dispenser ($2), an astronaut freeze-dried pizza ($2.95), a pack of mini Gobstoppers (50 cents), a Sesame Street beanbag pal ($5), and Bob the Glob putty ($1.50).

Other nice gifts here are the Wake-up Happy Ding Lings ($16), colorfully decorated alarm clocks, or that old standby, the Fighting Nun puppet ($8.50). At Cool Beans' cousin store, the Promised Land (617-547-3463, also in the Garage), check out the Jerry Gar-chia pet, Uncle John's Head ($19.95), or a black-light glow candle ($12) in the shape of a mushroom (not portobello). The Promised Land also has knit gloves for the fantastically low price of $4.50.

Across the way at Newbury Comics (617-491-0337), a $20 gift certificate isn't a bad idea. A more creative gift, though, would be the new Boston edition of Magnetic Poetry ($14.99), featuring words like cah and wicked. Newbury Comics also has a wide variety of T-shirts (featuring famous faces from Fat Albert to Che Guevara), all priced around $15.99.

Books are always a good gift, and there's no better place for them than Harvard Square. The closest bookstore to the Garage is WordsWorth (30 Brattle Street, 617-354-5201), though going here means you'll have to leave the Garage, run across JFK Street, and dash down the block. But it's worth it for this stocking-stuffer suggestion: David Sedaris's Holidays on Ice (Little, Brown, 128 pages). You'll find it at WordsWorth marked down from $14.95 to $12.71.

If you live closer to Coolidge Corner, another one-stop option is the new gift area at Brookline Booksmith (279 Harvard Avenue, 617-566-6660). Stuff is campy here, too, but a bit more sophisticated. Neat items include a Japanese kaleidoscope ($6), peanut-shaped erasers (25 cents), a little rubber ducky ($1.25), a squeaking Buddha talking on a cellular phone ($2.50), a Keith Haring flip book ($4.50), a gold kazoo ($1.50), and (my favorite) a funkily designed multicolored toothbrush ($5.95). Other items worth checking out: the Flying Circus wooden pastel birds on a stand ($18), Picasso or Matisse playing cards ($16 for two decks), and a bejeweled pen ($7.50). The Booksmith also has a large collection of non-idiotic cards and calendars. Sick of The Far Side? Try alternative-newspaper cartoonist Ted Rall's Is There Life Before Death? page-a-day calendar ($10.95).

However, if you have a bunch of last-minute gifts to buy, these specialty stores won't cut it. You need the CambridgeSide Galleria (100 CambridgeSide Place, near Lechmere Station). When you get there, walk right on past J. Crew, the Gap, and Structure. Unless you want to buy a sock, there's nothing at any of these stores in your price range. But you may be in luck at Suncoast Motion Picture Company (617-252-9035). Most videos here are $19.95 or less. Some good films, like The Big Sleep and Dead Poets Society, are only $9.99. Pick out a movie your recipient loves, or that you think he or she will love. The person will probably watch it only once, but it's still a fairly thoughtful gift. Stay away from the Hanson T-shirt ($16.99), which comes on a hanger marked HOT TREND.

While you're crossing people off your list, don't forget the ridiculous-gift approach -- that is, giving something that your recipient would never buy but wouldn't mind getting. Which means you'll need to pick up a Waddle Quaddle ($20), one of those silly but cute battery-operated stuffed animals that walk around. They're available at Natural Wonders (617-577-0664). Also available are Baby Biff Bear and Baby Elephant (you'll get that elephant after all!).

If you're looking for something a bit more distinguished, try the Yankee Candle Company (617-494-8855). It's got more than 75 different scented candles, smelling of everything from gingerbread to rain forest to home-for-the-holidays, and they're all reasonably priced (a 22-ounce candle jar goes for $18.95). For the moron in the family, pick up a Princess Diana poster with lyrics to Elton John's "Candle in the Wind" at Prints Plus (617-252-6564). It's $10, and a portion of the proceeds from each sale goes directly to the owner of Prints Plus.

But hold on, you're saying. I don't have time to traipse over to the mall. The party's tonight, and it started 15 minutes ago. Well, then, I've got three words for you -- Osco, CVS, and Brooks. Of course, by shopping at a large drugstore you're entering dangerous territory, where the line between a funny, tongue-in-cheek gift and something that's crassly inappropriate isn't always clear. But I'll try my best. The following items are available at the prices listed at the Fenway Osco (1295 Boylston Street, Boston, 617-262-4450).

Stay away from the perfume. I don't give a damn if the $19.95 Lady Stetson gift pack is really a $40 value. Give it to Mom and get ready for a slap. On the other hand, you may have a winner with the Limited Edition M&M Sports Dispenser ($12.99, including a bag of M&Ms). It's the big blue dude holding the basketball. Pull his arm, and out come the goodies. A bit cheaper, but just as sweet, are the Santa or Mickey Mouse candy tubes ($2.29 for Milky Way, M&M, Snickers, Reeses, or Hershey Kisses; $2.99 for Nestle Crunch or Butterfinger).

May I also recommend the Rubbermaid Barn-Style Bird Feeder ($12.99) and Kay Tee wild bird food ($2.99); the as-seen-on-TV "cool in the summer, warm in the winter" Aquatech Water Pillow ($12.99); a Black & Decker citrus juicer ($16.99); Animaniacs bubble bath ($5.99); and, for the dad you dislike, some STP fuel injector cleaner ($4.59)?

Last, but not least, Osco's answer to last season's smash Tickle Me Elmo -- drum roll please -- the Tickle Me Happy Face! Yep, $15.99 for a smiling yellow circle that giggles.

The key to all the above: remember to take the price tag off. And then attach a more expensive one -- say, from the gift you bought in October and kept for yourself. If you're caught, well, look on the bright side. One less gift to give next year.

Mark Bazer is on staff at the Boston Phoenix.