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Seasons Greetings

Holiday letters from the rich (or soon-to-be-rich) and famous

by Mark Bazer

We get a lot of weird mail around here, so we can't vouch for the authenticity of the following family Christmas letters. But apparently Louise Woodward's parents, Mark "Don't Call Me Marky" Wahlberg, surviving Kennedy matriarch Ethel Kennedy, and famous dead-persons'-rights activist Elton John found it in their hearts to share the highlights of the past year with us while offering their fondest holiday wishes. And since you, dear reader, feel like family to us, we've decided to pass along their tidings for the holiday season.

Dearest family members and other close chums:

Seasons Greetings from the Woodwards! It's certainly been a year of ups (Sue again took home first prize in the annual Elton Gardening Exhibition for her dynamite daffodils) and downs (Louise, now 19 years old, killed a baby). As we celebrate the holidays and look to the New Year, we are fortunately all healthy, happy, and scot-free.

The year started off with a bang when Louise left for the States to work as an au pair (she's always been so gentle with children!) for the Eappen family near Boston. Unfortunately, she got off to a shaky start and one of her charges slipped away mysteriously in her care. Naturally, Louise moved out of the Eappen's home and into public housing.

In October, we vacationed in the United States and supported Louise during her exciting appearances on television. Louise is the first Woodward to be featured on American TV, and she looked sensational -- and this was before the new 'do! She was understandably quite nervous, having not acted since her lead role years ago as a bumblebee in her third-grade play (thanks again Cousin Jane for sewing the costume!). The best part of the trip for Gary was getting to watch a Boston Celtics basketball game at their marvelous new stadium. The NBA is definitely fantastic!

We are very proud to announce that after a tough few days, the court (thanks again, Zobey!) decided that Louise was not guilty of second- degree murder but just manslaughter. Whoopie! Unfortunately, our celebration was a bit dimmed when a nice dark-skinned man in courtroom B, whose family we came to cherish during our ordeal, was convicted and sentenced to three years in jail for stealing chewing gum (here's hoping the appeal goes well!).

Louise has decided to stay on in the States to do some long- postponed sightseeing (she's now our own little Statue of Liberty). I hope you got to see her on the cover of People magazine along with Julia Roberts! Our local paper also published a nice article about Louise. She, herself, is now considering becoming a writer. If only she'd improve her spelling! Gary got that much-deserved raise, and Sue has been busy baking Christmas goodies.

Wishing you and yours a happy holiday season,
The Woodwards

Yo everybody!

Word up to y'all and y'all's y'alls, and pass the mother-f**kin' eggnog.

It's been a big year for Marky Mark, I mean Mark Wahlberg, you know what I'm saying. First of all, I bought myself a belt. But more importantly, y'all, I managed to get everyone to forget what a poor musician and racist pig I am by playing a porn star with a humongous schlong. No, ladies, Mark Wahlberg's dick ain't really that big, but it's not much smaller either. It's such a Good Vibration.

The year has been awesome! I'm grateful for the loving support of Burt. The highlight was seeing Julianne Moore naked. I was fortunate enough to be very near her tits. Can you feel it? C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

Donnie (now 28 years old!) is fortunately enjoying good health and remains active with his church choir. He expects to sell three copies of his soon-to-be-released solo album. He often dates girls who have just woken up from comas after being trampled at New Kids' concerts. Donnie has never beat up any Vietnamese people, and I have never seen his dick. Fortunately, I am not gay even though they love me (thanks to all the homosexuals for buying my records)!

Peace out,
Mark "Actor" Wahlberg

Dear Family:

Nothing much to report.

Happy holidays,
Ethel Kennedy

My dearest friends,

The world has been shaken by unimaginable tragedy. Dearest Di and Gianni both slipped away. Other non-famous people may have kicked the bucket as well. It is necessary in times like these to remember how well my single did.

Spreading Yuletide joy,
Elton