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Cutting Corners

Forget about wrapping gifts with Martha Stewart-like precision -- present them in takeout cartons instead

by David Valdes Greenwood

You know that person who approaches gift-wrapping with elegant precision, cuts paper into scientifically exact sizes, and applies the tape so expertly you can't even see the seams? That's not me. If you've ever received one of those epic junctures of physics and art, I didn't send it. I admit it: I cannot wrap presents neatly.

Occasionally I'll try anyway, but the Scotch tape gets crooked and my corners turn into bunchy folds. This hardly means that I've given up on gift-giving (seeing as how no one has given up on expecting gifts from me). It just means I've turned my flaws into a virtue. Are my seams puffy? No, they're billowy. Is my package an odd shape? It's cubism, darling.

Sometimes the alternatives I've come up with require more effort than a poor wrapping job would take, but this works in my favor: I look thoughtful for my effort, and the creativity of the result distracts the eye from wayward tape.

Small

For little gifts, I like to go with a playful presentation, and Chinese food takeout boxes are perfect. Make a tissue paper bed inside the box to hold your gift, and then decorate the outside: tie a ribbon to the handle, stick a flower with a shortened stem in the center fold, or print up a personalized fortune (or two, or dozens) to stick on the box.

If the present involves tickets of some kind, slip them inside a book. Go to Buck-a-Book (125 Tremont Street, Boston, 617-357-1919) to find a cheap title that either hints at the present (Dennis Rodman's autobiography Bad As I Wanna Be would be great for Celtics tickets) or references the recipient. Cover the book in plain white paper adorned only with a cryptic phrase: "page 79." It'll create mystery.

Tins of any kind are godsends: sturdy enough to protect something fragile, airtight enough for dry food gifts, and available in many sizes. Unless you really love the design on the tin, apply a coat of flat paint to the whole thing (or two coats, if you can see through the first one). After it dries, apply a contrasting or complementary color with a sponge. Add a ribbon or don't; either way, you've created a cool new container that can be used after the gift has been removed.

Or buy an old lunch box (try Cool Beans, 36 JFK Street, Cambridge, 617-492-2244, or an antique store) and use it to hold a single gift (wrapped in foil like a sandwich) or several small gifts, tucked separately into a baggie, a Tupperware sandwich box, and a Thermos.

Food-themed packaging, as you're probably beginning to notice, has myriad possibilities. If the lunch box isn't campy enough, try frozen food boxes. Using a very thin knife or fingernail file, carefully open one end without tearing the flaps, and empty out the contents. Line the inside with parchment or wax paper, place your gift inside, and carefully reseal with glue. An apparently unopened Hungry Man Dinner or box of Green Giant Baby Limas will always stand out in a pile of gifts.

For that matter, food itself is a great gift disguise. Tuck a small present into a bag of rice or dry beans, reseal the bag, slip it into one of those narrow wine-bottle bags, and tie with a ribbon. Both touch and sound will baffle the recipient.

Medium

One way to discourage your giftees from scrutinizing your wrapping abilities (or lack thereof) is to dazzle them with your choice of paper. To do this, why not bake your own gift-wrap? That's right, bake it. Get plain white paper and personalize it with rubber stamps (Black Ink, 101 Charles Street, Boston, 617-723-3883 has a good selection). While the ink is still wet, sprinkle embossing powder on the pattern, then gently shake off the excess. Bake on cookie sheets for five minutes or so at a very low temperature (200 degrees will do it), until the powder becomes glossy. I don't recommend leaving the kitchen while you do this: the goal is to cook the powder, not start a fire. Let it cool, and you'll have one-of-a-kind embossed paper. If you prepare 20 sheets to just before the baking stage, then bake them one after the other, you can make enough to cover the whole season in two hours.

If that sounds like too much work, try making your own Soap Opera Gift Box. (Have you ever noticed that characters on soap operas never unwrap their gifts, but simply lift the top of the box off?) Any two-piece box will do; simply glue wrapping paper, tissue, or fabric to the entire box, top and bottom. One simple ribbon will finish it off: suddenly, your gift recipient is Susan Lucci.

For cloth gifts (scarves, gloves, sweaters, throws), a white poster tube is an easy wrapping solution. Roll the gift, slide it inside the tube, tuck a little tissue paper on either end, and seal the ends. Then, wind a single wide ribbon tightly down the tube diagonally, yielding a candy-cane effect (or, if you prefer, avoid that imagery by using any color but red).

Even a plain brown grocery bag (without the Star Market logo printed on it, obviously) can be spiffed up. Place the gift inside, roll the top of the bag down twice in one-inch folds (like a lunch bag), and make holes in the resulting "handle" with a three-hole punch. To seal the bag, thread an imaginative "pin" of some kind through the holes: a chopstick, quill pen, bamboo skewer, flower stem, or pencil with a funny top. You can leave the bag plain, decorate it to match the pin (if you use a toy magic wand, find a Tinkerbell stamp to accent the bag), or just dress it up with some curled ribbon.

Large

Some gifts -- due to their awkward size or shape -- are simply beyond wrapping. In those cases, give a clue instead. This scenario yields creative options, all with the element of surprise that -- at least for me -- is half the fun.

Are you giving a Lifecycle and just don't feel like swathing it in paper as if it were some Christo artwork? Wrap one of the pedals or the odometer. Is your partner expecting a new china hutch? Wrap a handle from one of the drawers. Of course, the gift itself has to be hiding somewhere, but at least you don't have to carry it around.

I know someone who handed his daughter a bottle of rose-colored water and told her to hunt for her gift, which matched the water color. The gift was a truck, parked in front of the house -- and, yes, it was pink. If your holiday celebrations involve a Christmas tree, you can even decorate with the clue: hang a doll-house miniature of the gift on the tree. Obviousness of placement is dependent on how bright the recipient is.

Whatever your wrapping solution, the trick is to look like you came up with the idea yourself, in a flash of brilliance. If you've done your job, family members will be distracted by your sheer cleverness. While they pass your present around for a closer look, use the opportunity to find that one fanatically-wrapped gift in the pile and wrinkle its paper.