This is the end

A Y2K survival gift guide

by Nick A. Zaino III

In this holiday season of the apocalypse, the best way to show your loved ones that you truly care is by helping to ensure their future. Here are 12 simple gift suggestions:

1) A weapons stockpile
Guns are a keen gift any time of year. Giving someone a gun really says, "I love you and trust your judgment enough to give you an implement of death." But at the turn of the century, anyone who's seen The Omega Man knows that no matter what else you give someone this year, those who can't defend themselves will see it stolen by dangerous scavengers after the technological holocaust. And besides, ammunition makes a great stocking stuffer.

2) Firewood
True, bundles of firewood can be difficult to wrap, but gas and electric heat will be in short supply when the power companies fail. You can never have too much firewood, especially after all the generators go kaput too. While everyone else is huddling around a Zippo, you and that special someone will be able to toast your tootsies in the warm glow of a raging fire and look out on the destruction of humanity in peace and
comfort.

3) Batteries
Let's face it, the world is going to be a boring place without electricity and computers. In fact, the Amish are fond of calling the millennium bug "The Great Equalizer." But it doesn't have to be that way -- if you plan ahead. That special person on your list can keep the Game Boy going well into the new century with a good supply of batteries. Get them now before distraught parents and cultists raid the stores!

4) Freeze-dried space food
Eating pizza and steak from a bag can seem unappetizing, but it might be your best alternative if the big farms go down. And with products like "shelf-stable tortillas," "thermostabilized chicken à la king," and "rehydrated chicken consommé," your loved ones will be eating like kings in even the most remote corners of militiadom. Hey, if it's good enough for John Glenn, it's good enough for you. (To learn more about space food, visit your local library, or go to http://www.jsc.nasa.gov/pao/factsheets/nasapubs/food.html.)

5) Fruitcake
A popular gift already, good old fruitcake should really come in handy this year. With the exception of canned goods and Twinkies, fruitcakes have the longest shelf life of any semi-edible product on the market. They have been known to outlast even the most powerful batteries, and are only slightly less tasty. The perfect dessert after a NASA reconstituted turkey, the fruitcake adds a little color and panache to any stock shelf.

6) William Shatner's "Tek War" books
This is one your friends and family may not appreciate right away, but if they want to read something in the future, they will thank you for it. When the world is reduced to loose bands of warring tribes, whole families will be forced to move on a moment's notice to avoid the advancing hordes, taking only what they can carry. Their instinct will be to bring books they actually enjoy. This is a mistake. They will read through them quickly and soon have nothing left. To date, no one has ever been able to finish a "Tek War" novel -- keep them around, and there will always be something new to read.

7) Body bags
Your friends and loved ones may not appreciate this one right away either. But when the weaklings in your post-apocalyptic shelter start to drop, and the ground is too frozen to dig even a shallow grave, they will be extremely grateful for your foresight.

8) Lead dentist's coat
Remember how cool you felt as a kid when they put that big lead shield on your chest and left your face totally exposed to the deadly radiation aimed directly at your teeth? Well, you can feel that cool again if the Y2K bug sets off the nuclear arsenals of countries that don't have the foresight to fix such problems. While everyone else is huddled in a concrete hole, waiting for the half-life to pass, you can step out into the nuclear winter in style. Of course, there's still the matter of your face . . .

9) Pong and a black-and-white TV set
If you've got a good enough generator, you can be sure this family favorite from the late '70s hasn't been affected by any technological developments in the past 25 years or so. And retro chic should hit an all-time high after the collapse of modern civilization.

10) The Ronco Squirrel Rotisserie
For the hunter on your shopping list. This is the perfect gift for those prone to killing and maiming small woodland creatures for meat that tastes like chicken. Turns Elmer Fudd into Paul Prudhomme in three easy steps (not included).

11) Martha Stewart's Entertaining Without Electricity
This woman is hell-bent on throwing history's most elegant dinner party, so let's all just be cool like little Neville Chamberlains and appease her until we can get a safe distance from her minions. If she survives the aftermath of Y2K, the future is going to be like Road Warrior in evening wear. Hide your favorite place settings.

12) Any Y2K survival book
It's possible that we haven't thought of everything, though that's highly unlikely. But these books are always worth a chuckle anyway. Everyone knows we're all going down at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. So have a few laughs between Christmas and the end, and save the book for your outhouse after your plumbing explodes.