Best place to wreck your two-wheeler

Remember those dirt-bike courses you used to make in that vacant lot down the block? You'd have a pitcher's-mound-type-thing to do Evel Knievel stunts off of, and a mud pit that got good and slimy when it rained, and then a path through the weeds you'd fly down when your mom called you for dinner. Well, Boston's got something just like that -- and it's a nostalgia trip in the worst possible way. As you tear south across the BU bridge from Cambridge on Route 2, prepare yourself for phase one: the Green Line tracks on Comm Ave. Reminiscent of a toll-booth fart strip for bikes, the metal rails and rutted concrete might be bearable were one to take it slow, but the honking cars and the timed lights force even bicycles to barrel over it at warp speed. If you survive, continue to phase two: veer left onto Mountfort. Notice the painter's palette of gray patches (we've detected eight different tones) that rise a good four inches from the level of the pavement. With the four-inch-deep potholes in between, that gives you ample opportunity to catch air, and even do a flip if you're so inclined. Notice that said patches are more plentiful near the shoulder (bike territory) than they are in the center, where cars would be better able to handle them. Listen to the drivers swear at you ("Get outta da fuggin' road!") as you do your best to avoid them. If you still have two wheels, continue on to phase three: what we call ribbon road. Sounds nice enough, except that the ribbon just happens to resemble a black-diamond mogul run, complete with sewer grates with bars spaced just wide enough to devour your front tire. If you survive that, you have our sympathy, because it's worse on the way back, especially at night when you can't see what's coming. . . .