Que será

Keep an eye out for grooming scandals, border skirmishes, and one last fling with the '70s

1998 Preview: Predictions by Chris Wright

"History repeats itself," said the German philosopher Heinrich Schadenfreude, "weeknights at eight on Channel 38." Wise, if utterly made-up, words. Today, as we approach another "new" year, we can take some solace in Schadenfreude's observation. Yes, the coming year will bring its manifold terrors and disappointments, its wars and murders, frauds and famines, outbreaks and earthquakes. People will fall from great heights and be mauled by giant sharks as they always have. But the truth of the matter is, if you've seen one annus horribilis, you've seen them all. No matter what miseries the new year may visit upon us, we can just roll our eyes, secure in the knowledge that -- historically speaking -- we've been there, done that. So sit tight, turn down the lights, and thrill at the sights and sounds of an all-new 1998.

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JANUARY

"It was horrible! One minute he was there, doing his business, the next -- gone!"

-- Back Bay resident Marge Plabb on the demise of her pet schnauzer, Pooby

1 Tragedy strikes First Night celebrations when a group of revelers, said to have been incited by a rousing rendition of Handel's Messiah, go on a rampage in Boston's Back Bay. "They were everywhere," says a teary Eileen Bathrudge of Norwalk, "throwing streamers about willy-nilly and jostling in front of the glass-blowing demonstration." One man is reported to have been stabbed with his own First Night pin, and several bystanders spill coffee on themselves in the melee.

2 Filene's removes its NEW YEAR'S SALE banner and replaces it with Valentine's Day merchandise.

3 More First Night tragedy when a full-scale ice sculpture of the John Hancock building, weakened at its foundation by a peeing schnauzer, topples, killing the dog and flattening much of the South End.

10 Channel 7 decides to lead off every 11 p.m. weekday newscast with the "serial killing of the day." If there is no serial killing on that day, a station manager tells the Globe, they will run excerpts of the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson sex tape until 11:04 p.m.

11 Frank Sinatra passes away. Within minutes of the sad news, Elton John announces he is recording a memorial version of his '80s hit I'm Still Standing.

13 Thousands turn up to pay their respects as Sinatra's toupee is led on a procession through the streets of Chicago.

19 North Melrose Junior High School makes headlines when an eighth-grade class stages a production of The Full Monty.

23 In more tragic news, three are killed in an automobile accident as Seth Greenberg chases the paparazzi through a tunnel on Storrow Drive.

FEBRUARY

"The stubble should have clued us in."

-- A Globe editorial on the Razorgate scandal sweeping the State House

3 After a record seven feet of snow is dumped on the city, Mayor Menino declares a state of emergency, announcing he will be providing everyone in Boston with a folding chair. "We must protect our parking spaces," he explains to the press.

14 In Philadelphia, SWAT teams cut down a partly clad, impish-looking youth wielding a bow and arrow. Cupid J. Love is pronounced dead on arrival at City Hospital, and Philadelphia is forced to change its motto to "The City of Brotherly."

15 Filene's takes down its Valentine's Day display and replaces it with Fourth of July decorations.

17 In a press conference, Celtics coach Rick Pitino says that he "couldn't be more satisfied" with the team's performance so far. Forward Walter McCarty, he adds, is "indispensable."

18 Pitino trades Walter McCarty to the Golden State Warriors for forward Adonal Foyle.

19 "In two years, Adonal Foyle and Antoine Walker are going to be the best forward tandem in the Atlantic Division," Pitino says. "I can't imagine where I'd be without Antoine."

20 Pitino trades Antoine Walker and Travis Knight to the Los Angeles Lakers for four Laker Girls. "It occurred to me that we should not only play good, we should look good," Pitino explains.

29 Paul Cellucci's political fortunes plummet when a Boston Herald investigation reveals the governor has run up nearly $30,000 in unpaid bills with a Beacon Hill barber. Later, investigators discover more than a thousand unused disposable razors in Cellucci's State House locker. "I have a shaving problem," the teary-eyed acting governor admits at a press conference.

MARCH

"Groovy isn't just about mutton-chop sideburns -- it's a state of mind. Groovy just is."

-- Chanel designer Karl Lagerfeld, on his fall collection.

4 State House observers report spotting Governor Cellucci on the dome of the State House with a paint scraper. A janitor sent up to investigate discovers that three-quarters of the gilt covering the dome has been replaced with foil chocolate wrappers.

6 A new beauty craze -- do-it-yourself liposuction -- sweeps the nation. Supermodel Kate Moss is photographed by the National Enquirer leaving the Sears on Rodeo Drive with a Sears Super Sucker under her arm.

9 The MFA continues its drive to broaden the museum's popular appeal with an exhibit titled "Where's Winslow?"

12 Designer Karl Lagerfeld, tapping into the last remaining veins of '70s iconography, unveils his fall collection in Paris. The fashion world goes gaga over his three-piece white suits, jeans with appliquéd back pockets, and "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts.

15 CBS gets in on the '70s act when a mustachioed Dan Rather ends his nightly news broadcast with two thumbs up and the words "keep on truckin'."

18 The Clinton administration jumps on the '70s bandwagon and announces that it is reinstating gas rationing, the draft, and serious hassling by The Man.

19 W magazine declares the '70s officially dead, and announces that the '80s will be in for at least the next three weeks. Trendy boutiques quickly stock up on leg warmers, ripped sweatshirts, and Members Only jackets.

APRIL

"What's that? Where am I going?"

-- Regis Philbin to Kathy Lee during an on-air coming out party.

1 In Fitchburg, an April Fools' Day prank ends in tragedy when a man shows up at a militia meeting dressed as Attorney General Janet Reno. Investigators vow to find all the pieces.

8 Shocked medical authorities announce that Chippy, an Indianapolis hamster, has given birth to eight healthy infants. The litter's proud parents make it onto the covers of Time and Newsweek. Later, Newsweek issues a formal apology for having airbrushed Chippy's protruding front teeth. "It is not our practice to alter photos," insists the magazine's managing editor, Mark Whitaker, "but there was a bit of cheese between them."

13 The Boston Marathon ends in tragedy when a misplaced sign on Boylston Street sends nearly 11,000 runners through the Prudential Mall, causing $1.3 million in damage and trampling 17 terrified shoppers to death.

16 Providence mayor Buddy Cianci, piqued by his 1997 failure to outmaneuver the Bay State in the battle for the Patriots' stadium, declares war on southern Massachusetts. Christopher Lydon, in a live interview, praises Cianci for his "ability to see the darkly funny side of things."

17 In a predawn strike, Cianci's forces annex Fall River and Attleboro. Massachusetts legislators express outrage but decide not to take immediate action.

19 Taunton, New Bedford, and Raynham fall to Cianci. The House and Senate issue a joint statement strongly discouraging local military aggression, but privately most legislators seem unconcerned. "We'll worry when he gets to Quincy," says one aide.

24 A week into the crisis, Buddy Cianci's forces push eastward into Plymouth but are beaten back by the Plymouth police department, which mistakes them for a breast-cancer protest march scheduled for the same day. Cianci, routed, declares victory and retreats to Rhode Island.

27 Puff Daddy scores a big hit with his remix of Puccini's La Bohème. "Da Bohème" stays at number one in the charts until the week before Christmas.

30 Regis Philbin denies accusations that his show's flagging ratings are behind his decision to come out.

MAY

"I don't remember anyone making this much fuss when I saw John Denver in a Frito."

-- Vineyard Haven resident Joe Bracken

3 Diana devotees flock to Martha's Vineyard after a young Chilmark girl reports seeing the late princess's image in a rice cake.

11 The rock world is shaken when Third Eye Blind merges with Blur. The ensemble immediately starts work on the album Where the F**k Are We?, featuring the hit single "Who Said That?"

15 A swish new sports bar -- Hoop-lah! -- opens in the South End. Opening night celebrations attract a host of Massachusetts sporting luminaries including Mo Vaughn, Drew Bledsoe, and Marvin Hagler. Larry Bird is denied entry when he refuses to check his neck at the door.

25 The New York Times, which recently introduced color photographs after 140 years of black-and-white front pages, ups the ante by launching the nation's first pop-up weather chart.

27 The Wall Street Journal rises to the Times' challenge by announcing the debut of "Alan Greenspan's Scratch 'n' Sniff Interest Rate Index."

JUNE

"We regret any inconvenience caused, but the package wasn't marked `perishables.' "

-- US Post Office spokesperson Barney Peebles on the latest bizarre turn in the Unabomber case

3 In order to enforce its townwide ban on smoking, Brookline installs smoke detectors in streetlights.

5 Jenny McCarthy's career takes a turn for the worse when her breasts go solo and are immediately offered their own sitcom on Fox. The debut of Just the Two of Us tops the daily Nielsen ratings in the coveted just-after-football-practice spot.

12 John F. Kennedy Jr. spends a week in intensive care after he slips on a wedge of brie and damages his hair.

19 Police divers searching a Quincy quarry discover the body of Amelia Earhart.

20 A routine mail delivery turns to horror when a package mailed by the Unabomber in 1996 finally reaches its destination. Fortunately, the contents, a selection of home-cured pork sausages, are discovered to be harmless unless eaten.

29 Sensing that his popularity may be waning, Governor Cellucci announces that he's "categorically opposed" to murder, the New York Yankees, and rainy days.

JULY

"We would have recovered it sooner, but ironically, our winch operator was on strike."

-- Boston police spokesman Sam O'Grady on the body of Jimmy Hoffa

2 New Age superstar Yanni follows up his successful orchestral concerts at the Taj Mahal and China's Forbidden City with an all-American schedule that includes performances at the Statue of Liberty, the Grand Canyon, and Mount Rushmore. WGBH initially agrees to help underwrite the project, but balks at the cost of airlifting six marimba players into Abraham Lincoln's right nostril.

4 Tragedy mars Independence Day celebrations when an errant sparkler ignites the Kennedy family compound in Hyannis. John F. Kennedy Jr. is reported to be in serious but stable condition, with burns on 90 percent of his shirt collection.

5 Jordan Marsh replaces its Fourth of July display with Christmas decorations.

12 A combination of tar-bubbling temperatures and a broken air-conditioning system forces the Massachusetts Senate to conduct its business in the nude. C-SPAN ratings dive.

29 Divers searching a Quincy quarry discover the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

AUGUST

"Actually, it's no big deal. The beeping sound was getting to us."

-- Tokyo cabinet member Itzi Bitzifuro on the death of Japanese prime minister Kyuru Tamagotchi

2 Record high temperatures lead to frayed tempers, with an alarming rise in violent crime, rioting, looting, robbing, lying, cheating, spitting, and lounging around in tatty underwear watching soaps. Governor Cellucci, in a live television address, appeals for calm.

6 As the hot weather continues, the last few chunks of the John Hancock ice sculpture melt, revealing the frozen bodies of the Channel 5 news team. "Why hadn't anyone noticed they were missing?" asks an angry Mike Barnicle.

12 Lipstick feminist Katie Roiphe replaces Cindy Crawford as a spokesperson for Revlon. Crawford goes on to host PBS's Wall Street Week.

16 The Improper Bostonian publishes an influential essay on "Summer Soirees," ushering in great changes in the public's attitude toward crudités.

20 In order to cement its position as the world's leading manufacturer of electronics, Japan elects its first virtual prime minister. Tragedy strikes, however, when the "Giga-Pol" starves to death after being lost under some couch cushions.

24 In the latest controversy to hit hunkish nonfictionite Sebastian Junger's superselling disaster book The Perfect Storm, Harper's reveals that there was actually no storm; Junger created the whole event in his bathtub, naked. Sales skyrocket.

26 The public's appetite for disaster books continues unabated; the top three places on the New York Times best-seller list are held by Norman Mailer's I Am Vesuvius!, Stephen Hawking's The Biggest Bang, and Keanu Reeves's My Life in Film.

29 Divers, still searching a Quincy quarry, discover the lost city of Atlantis, the stolen Gardner Rembrandts, and all the missing minutes of the Nixon tapes.

SEPTEMBER

"Well, it's not like anyone was really using it."

-- Bill Clinton on Delaware, responding to reporters' questions about Belgiumgate

3 Three months after her guilty verdict is reinstated, Louise Woodward announces her engagement to Eddie O'Brien. A musical inspired by the Woodward case, Oh, Nanny!, continues to break box-office records.

9 The Internet goes the way of pet rocks and Cabbage Patch dolls. Modems gather dust in attics across America.

12 Barnes & Noble buys the Boston Public Library and promptly closes the reference section due to "low turnover." The library's collection of Civil War documents is sold off to make way for the Literati Latte Bar, which subsequently wins a Best of Boston award for its cranberry scones.

22 The philanthropy wars heat up when Bill Gates, responding to Ted Turner's $1 billion gift to the UN, donates $5 billion to an ailing Radio Shack. That gift is quickly overshadowed by Rupert Murdoch's $8 billion donation to an underfunded Nevada whorehouse.

28 Bill Clinton sparks an international furor when he attempts to donate Delaware to Belgium.

OCTOBER

"Push! Push!"

-- Tom Cruise to Nicole Kidman in the debut broadcast of OBGYN-TV

3 The Canadian government, citing a 300-year-old Indian treaty, claims fishing rights to the Quincy quarry but backs down after Governor Cellucci threatens to send the Plymouth police force into Montreal.

9 Tragedy strikes the annual Make Way for Ducklings walk at the Boston Public Garden when the ducklings are mowed down by a rogue bike messenger. "Why can't they just watch where they're going?" asks an incensed Mike Barnicle.

12 OBGYN-TV -- a station that provides live, 24-hour delivery-room coverage -- airs its celebrity special; the show scores the highest ratings in television history.

16 A United Airlines flight from New York to Atlanta is hijacked by members of the Belgian terrorist organization Delaware Now.

17 After tense negotiations, the hijacked United Airlines plane lands safely in Brussels. One weary passenger emerging from passport control says that the ordeal wasn't so bad. "Frankly, the service was better than usual."

19 In an unrelated incident, Delaware changes its name to De La Ware.

19 The lid is finally blown off the JFK mystique when former White House dishwasher Leonard M. Plopper publishes his controversial biography Dishing, in which he alleges that Kennedy was actually a monogamist. "He was very solicitous of his wife," recalls Plopper in one of the book's most incendiary passages. "If she wanted to have some of her friends over for tea, he might put out the doilies. Or not. He liked animals. He was a pretty nice guy."

23 Clint Eastwood secures his place as a serious director when his latest film -- a remake of The Battleship Potemkin, starring Marky Mark as a well-hung Russian sailor and Oprah Winfrey as the battleship -- fails miserably at the box office.

28 Scientists predict that the earth will be destroyed by a giant comet within 10 years. The American Association of Retired People immediately throws a "Full Life" gala celebration. "Ha-ha!" says Herbert Claprod, the evening's MC.

NOVEMBER

"Ahh! Eeech! Jesus Christ!"

-- A stunned MC Hammer at the Vibe music awards ceremony

1 Fluctuations in Asian stock markets causes panic on Wall Street. Panic on Wall Street causes the Asian stock markets to fluctuate. European traders, unsure whether they should be panicking or fluctuating, choose instead to hyperventilate.

3 A Thai peasant carrying home a pail of water trips and drops the bucket. The incident causes a man on Manhattan's Upper East Side to lose his job.

14 The East Coast/West Coast rap feud intensifies at a Vibe magazine awards ceremony, as Puff Daddy's posse surrounds MC Hammer and administers a vicious wedgie.

17 Entertainment Weekly reports that Hillary Clinton turned down an offer to star in the sequel to The Bodyguard, as she had already committed to starring in the sequel to Liar Liar.

31 Halloween celebrations end in tragedy when a partygoer dressed as Herman Munster is set upon by a group of right-wing militiamen who, the Globe reports, mistake him for Attorney General Janet Reno.

DECEMBER

"How did the man manage to shoot himself seven times in the back of the head?"

-- Mike Barnicle on the suspicious death of Phil Plabbert

2 Boston's Christmas tree lighting ceremony goes horribly awry when the tree, a gift from the province of Novia Scotia, erupts into a massive fireball, badly singeing the mayor.

5 Mayor Menino blames the Christmas tree catastrophe on a combination of the tree's tinder-dry, kerosene-soaked branches and a set of cheap Korean Christmas lights purchased by himself. "Mwe muft frotect our coffers," a tightly bandaged Menino tells the press.

9 Right-wing newshounds, suspicious of Chelsea Clinton's straight-A academic record, discover that two days before finals the entire Stanford faculty was treated to high tea in the Vermeil Room, and that Phil Plabbert, Chelsea's history professor, was allowed to fiddle with the Red Phone.

10 The Stanfordgate imbroglio intensifies after it is revealed that Plabbert committed suicide three days after reminding Chelsea that colonialism is not a type of architecture.

14 This season's hot holiday item -- My Little Chelsea -- is pulled from toy-store shelves. Wooden hoops and sticks sell like hotcakes. Ironically, sales of hotcakes plummet.

20 Former Riverdance star Michael Flatley holds a press conference to announce he is leaving the company of his new touring show, Lord of the Dance, due to "creative differences with the director." Informed by a reporter that he is the director, Flatley removes his shirt, strikes a dramatic pose, and hands out videos of his newest production, Michael Flatley Jumps Around the Stage.

23 Divers searching the Quincy quarry discover the remains of Bill Weld's political career. "It was eerie," says police diver Chad McBends. "A leather briefcase, a blue suit, and a sombrero -- just floating there."

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com.