E-Mail This Article to a Friend Small sensations (continued)

Brookline woman has near miss

Police said an elderly woman crossing a busy street in Brookline yesterday afternoon almost tripped over a curb. The woman, 68-year-old Constance Lipp, was reportedly making her way across Harvard Street to get an order of tsimmes with flanken at Rubin’s Deli when the mishap occurred. According to a police report, the toe of Lipp’s shoe hit the edge of the curb with such force that it nearly dislodged her hat. "One minute I’m walking, the next, gevalt!" Lipp said after the incident, adding that the tsimmes at Rubin’s is "beyond delicious."

Police question teens about ‘Dude’

Youths sitting on a porch in the Fields Corner section of Dorchester are said to have giggled excessively for three hours on Friday night. According to police spokesman Hiram Spritz, the youths sat on the porch between the hours of 7 and 10 p.m., during which time there were no reports of gang activity. "To the best of our knowledge, no one was stabbed, shot, or slapped," said Spritz. A neighbor revealed yesterday that the teens, who had allegedly been drinking large amounts of Mountain Dew, "butchered" the lyrics to Beenie Man’s "Dude," replacing the line "Mi love fi put it on when dem wiggle and scream (Hey!)" with "Mi love fi mash potatuh when it whip wiv cream (Hey!)." An investigation is ongoing.

Burger scare in Sudbury

A Sudbury man who consumed undercooked hamburger over the weekend is recovering from "bad, really terrible gas." Jeff Dilwad, a 46-year-old radiator repairman, ate the burger at a family barbecue over the weekend. "Don’t get me wrong," Dilwad said later, "it was a good burger." He did add, however, that the semi-raw meat made his bun "kind of soggy." According to hamburger experts, a burger that is cooked rare, or "bloody," will often tend to moisten the bun, and possibly slicken the cheese. Dilwad said yesterday that he plans to cook his burgers a little more fully in the future. "I’ll try them medium next time," he chuckled.

Pit bull captured

A pit bull escaped from its owner’s garden in Leominster yesterday and went on a licking rampage. "My hand was literally covered in spit," said a shaken Penelope Martin, who encountered the dog as she left a yoga studio. At least six people reported being licked by the dog, including Leominster’s oldest resident, 97-year-old Lawrence Tagbottom. "Damn fool tiger almost licked me to death," Tagbottom said from the hospital room where he has lived for 35 years. Animal-control officers captured the dog late last night as it gnawed on a baguette on the town green. "A potential disaster has been averted," said Robert A. Grubb, a spokesman for the mayor’s office. "Dog spit contains enzymes."

Cribbage board sought at local prison

An internal report at MCI–Cedar Junction has revealed that inmates have formed a "cribbage ring" at the facility. According to the report, an inmate was recently found to be in possession of matchsticks that had been fashioned into pegs, though a cribbage board has yet to be found. "These guys are playing, no doubt," said a correctional officer who asked that his name not be used. During one recent cribbage game, an inmate allegedly grew so enraged with an opponent who kept calling "one for his nibs" instead of "one for his nobs" that he threw down his cards and refused to play on. There has been no word on whether the game was completed.

Bee lands on arm, doesn’t sting

A Chatham man had a near miss recently when a bee landed on his arm, the Cape Cod Times reported yesterday. According to the Times, 65-year-old Allen Huff-Muldoon was tending roses in his garden when the bee landed on his arm and started to crawl toward his wristwatch. "It was a big old bugger, hairy as all hell," Huff-Muldoon said. "Bloody thing could have given me a right old stinging." Though many people are stung by bees in America, say entomologists, many more are not. Huff-Muldoon has been stung only twice in the 25 years he has lived in Chatham, he told the Times, despite seeing "hundreds" of bees.

Power stays on in Cambridge, Somerville

There were no power outages in the Boston area last night, according to local utility officials. "I was able to surf the Internet without interruption," said interpretive dancer Lance DuProng, who lives in Cambridge with his cat, Minge. DuProng was just one local resident who breathed a sigh of relief about the electricity situation in the area. "I vacuumed the whole house, upstairs and down," said Somerville seamstress Alice Dipstipple. "I don’t think the power went out the whole time." There have been no reported problems with area water supplies, either, although an Everett man said his toilet had been "flushing weird."

Man gets off at wrong stop

A Boston man who got off the T one stop early said yesterday that he felt "dumb" about the incident. Dave Agg, 22, said he had been riding the Green Line from Park Street to Copley Square, where he was to have lunch at Wendy’s. According to witnesses, Agg became distracted by the knees of a young woman as the train pulled into the Arlington station. "I thought it was my stop," Agg told reporters, "so I jumped up." By the time he had realized his mistake, Agg added, it would have been embarrassing to sit back down, so instead he got off and walked to Copley, where he ate his burger about five minutes later than he had planned. "In the future, I’ll be more aware," he said.

Man runs out of bread, eats bagel

A Braintree man surprised his fiancée yesterday morning by making himself a bagel for breakfast instead of toast. "Three years I’ve known him, and it’s been two slices of whole wheat every day," said the man’s fiancée, Lucy French. "I was shocked." The man who ate the bagel, Brad Lister, 33, attributed his sudden change of heart to the fact that he was out of bread. "I don’t even like bagels," he said. Bagels, say experts, are often used as a substitute for toast in the US, as are English muffins and, less often, Portuguese muffins. Asked whether he had ever eaten a Portuguese muffin, Lister said he hadn’t.

Paris Hilton mauled by shark, catches fire

Sexy celebrity Paris Hilton caught fire yesterday as she was being attacked by a shark. The scantily clad Hilton had been frolicking in the water off the coast of Australia when a tiger shark bit her leg just above the knee. Although the shark, which was old and almost toothless, did little damage to Hilton’s bare, downy thigh, tragedy struck when a hijacked airliner crashed into the water, setting Hilton and the shark aflame. Witnesses to the incident said that a muscular young man who had been swimming nearby saved the millionaire vixen by removing her bikini top and beating off with it. A few minutes later, a near-nude Hilton recovered on the beach. "She’s a very lucky girl," said Chad Hislop, the man who saved her. "What a rack!"

CORRECTION

In a recent story about Paris Hilton catching fire while being mauled by a shark, we implied that a young man named Chad Hislop had removed the rich sexpot’s bikini top and performed an unsavory act with it. The young man’s name is Brad Hislop, and he beat off the flames with the semi-nude celebrity’s top, not himself. Also, Hislop said, "What a shark!" not "What a rack!" as we reported. We regret the error.

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com